When you try your best,
But you don't succeed
When you get what you want,
But not what you need
When you feel so tired,
But you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone,
But it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

 

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

 

Sam awoke very early the next morning to an empty bed.  She sat up, glancing at the clock, and started to get out of bed when she almost stepped on the sleeping form of Daniel.  He was curled up on the floor next to the bed, wrapped in a blanket and hugging a pillow.  He was still asleep, but whimpering restlessly.

 

She sat and watched him sleep for awhile, until his movements became erratic and Sam knew he was having a nightmare.  Lord knows all the members of SG-1, past and present, had plenty of nightmare material to draw on.  Slipping out of bed she got dressed, then went to his side and sat down with him.  Sam ran her fingers through Daniel’s sweat soaked hair.  Very gently, she shook his shoulder.

 

“Daniel,” she whispered, “baby, wake-up.  It’s just a dream.”

 

As she continued to rub his head, she noticed that he must have gotten up at some point in the night, since he now had his sweatpants on again.  All the candles were down to nubs and the music was no longer playing.  When he quieted, Sam thought that maybe was it was a good time to leave.

 

“Daniel,” she said quietly, “I’m going to go now, but I’ll be back later today.  Don’t get upset, okay?  I promise I’m not deserting you.”

 

She wasn’t sure if he heard her.  Placing a light kiss on his head, she stood and began to pacing around the room.  This night with Daniel had been extraordinary.  The love they had made that night, had been so sweet and chaste.  How could she leave him alone now?  He was improving faster than anyone expected.  It seemed that only his speech, writing, and some trouble with keeping his emotions reigned in were the only things that really needed work.

 

Sam was startled when a soft knock at the door interrupted her thoughts.  Glancing at Daniel to make sure he didn’t wake up, she answer it.

 

“Carter?”  The low voice of General O’Neill sounded as she opened the door, “I saw that your car was still here.  Aren’t you supposed to be in your new apartment?”

 

Stepping aside she let her CO in, giving him a sheepish look and said, “Something came up, sir.”

 

Really up!  She thought and was thankful for the dimness of the room.  She felt the blush rise on her face.

 

“Ah huh,” he grumbled, his eyes taking in the remains of Daniel’s romantic arrangement of the room.  Then O’Neill spotted said archeologist fitfully asleep on the floor.  Pointing to him the general looked at Sam.

 

“What’s going on?  Why’s he down there?”

 

Shrugging, Carter replied, “I’ve found him like that before, sir.  The nurses at the Oregon Center told me he would feel more secure when he was curled up in a corner.”

 

Nodding, Jack turned to Sam, “You’re not thinking of staying here, are you?”

 

A pained expression crossed her face.  The night she just shared with Daniel was fresh in her mind, and the thought of leaving was really tearing her in two.  She had considered the idea of having him come home with her.  The apartment was big enough for the both of them.

 

Jack read her face as if it was an open book.  Shaking his head, he pulled her into a hug.  “Oh, Carter.  This whole thing has really got you turned every which way, doesn’t it?  You want to be with him and help, but you know that the strain is just not health for the baby.”

 

Feeling hot tears burn a path down her face, she nodded into his chest.  “In all honesty, I don’t know what to think.  Sometimes, he’s just so… Daniel.  Like there’s nothing wrong.  And I really think he’s getting better—”

 

“MacKenzie doesn’t,” Jack interrupted.  Feeling her tense at the name and start to pull away, O’Neill tightened his hold on her.  “NO, you will listen.  Daniel is not mentally healthy yet.  He has made a lot of progress, but his outbursts are not under control.  He is still volatile and none of the doctors have any idea what sets him off.”

 

Sam let out a choked sob, “I know…”

 

The next instant, Sam was flung across the room and into a wall.  As she slid down to the floor, she saw Daniel on top of Jack, beating him mercilessly.  The younger man had O’Neill pinned and it was all the general could do to protect his head from the onslaught of punches.

 

Daniel was screaming at the top of his voice, “MMMMINE  MMMMINE!”

 

Sam jumped up to stop the archeologist from hurting Jack.  When she put a hand on Daniel’s arm, he spun around in a blind rage and punched her full force in the stomach.

 

The shear pain of the blow caused her to momentarily black out.  When she was able to focus again, Sam saw the horror on Daniel’s face.  Jack took the opportunity to throw the stunned man off, and went to Sam.

 

“Carter!  Are you all right?” Jack asked urgently.

 

Daniel scrambled away to a corner, howling, as Jack reached up and hit the alarm button on the wall.  When the siren and red lights went off, Daniel leaped to his feet and ran for the door.  O’Neill tried to stop him, but couldn’t get a hold of the fleeing man.  He was about to go after Daniel when Sam cried out in pain.

 

Clutching her stomach, she curled up into a ball, “Jack… the baby…”

 

Daniel would have to be found by the SF’s; his concern now was getting Sam to the infirmary.

 

When the security team came running in, Jack began to bark out orders, “Get the med team down here now for Carter!  Jackson’s on the loose, find him and put him in a straight jacket.  I DO NOT WANT HIM SEDATED!”  Turning his attention back to Sam, he growled through clenched teeth, “He is going to see what he just did.”

 

***

 

Daniel knew every inch of Stargate Command and managed to avoid everyone that was looking for him.  He found his way to the archives storage room and hunkered down in a back corner.  He knew, somewhere in his fogged and addled mind, that he had done something very bad.  He had hit Sam.  He looked at his knuckles, they were swollen and red with blood.  Not his blood… Jack’s.

 

It was like a movie being played over and over in his head.  When he closed his eyes the images would get clearer.  He saw O’Neill holding Sam.  His Sam.  Something roared inside of him and he felt a primal instinct inside, screaming for him to protect her.

 

Jack has always liked her.  Maybe even loved her.  Jack thinks I’m just a waste of space.

 

No!  Jack… Jack is my friend, right?

 

But why was he hugging Sam?  Is he going to take her away from me?  Take her away because I’m broken?

 

Maybe Sam doesn’t want me anymore.  But, but she said she loved me…

 

Why can’t I think straight?

 

Rocking back and forth, crying silently, Daniel started clawing at his bandaged arm.  Soon, the gauze was gone, the wound reopened and bleeding profusely.  The pain was bad, but in his current mental state, it just wasn’t bad enough.  He began to slam his head against the wall behind him with force.  It still wasn’t enough pain.  He needed more… needed the physical pain to block the pain in his heart.

 

His rage came to boil.  The angrier he got, the more confused his emotions became.  He could see what he had done to Sam, and he knew it was wrong.  But he wondered if maybe she would prefer Jack.  That she no longer loved him because he was damaged and unmanageable.

 

Jumping to his feet, Daniel went on a rampage.  Pulling down racks of artifacts, pushing over cabinets and tables, tearing shelves from the walls as he screamed his torment to the world.

 

His naked chest heaved with effort as he destroyed the room that held all the things he once considered precious.  What were they to him now?  Just… bits of a broken past.  They meant nothing to him now.  Only Sam was mattered.  And he just hurt her.

 

Distraught and heedless of the injuries he was inflicting upon himself, he wanted nothing more than to end this torment.  To take away the torture of what he had done to his lover and best friend.  With all of his strength, Daniel continued to decimate the room, seeking some relief.

 

The security personal found him by following the noise and were trying to get into the room.  The entrance was wedged shut with a file cabinet that Daniel had pushed over.  Three airmen put their shoulders to the door and broke it open.

 

What they saw, stop them in their tracks.

 

Daniel was on the far side of the room, standing on an overturned desk.  In his hand he held an antique, yet very sharp dagger, the blade of which was against his own throat.  The blood haze in once deep blue eyes, made the airmen freeze.

 

Sobbing wildly and crazed with grief, the archeologist cried, “I… nnnot… gggg, gggood.  Bbbbad…”  Slumping against the wall, Daniel pulled the blade across his throat.

 

A flash of blue came from behind the still forms of the SF’s.  Daniel dropped to the floor unconscious from a single zat blast.  Turning, the airmen snapped to attention.  Face as hard as stone, General O’Neill came into the room and looked at his friend with a mixture of sorrow and fury.

 

“Get him to the infirmary.  Make sure his is restrained, tightly.  No one is to let him loose and I want a guard on him at all times,” he barked his orders to the SF’s.

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

Turning on his heels, Jack left to check in on how Carter was doing.

 

***

 

When O’Neill got back to the infirmary he noticed right away that Samantha Carter was not there.  Snagging a passing nurse, he asked where she was.  The woman’s face spoke volumes as she informed him that Colonel Carter was now in a private room and that Dr. Lam was with her.

 

With a sense of foreboding, Jack turned to go as the SF’s brought a very agitated Daniel in.  Jack winced at the feral sounds he was making.  In all his years of service, time spent in Black Ops and on SG-1, he had never heard anything as defeated and pitiful as what was now coming from his friend.  He had a feeling that something very bad must be going on with Carter, Jack knew that Daniel was only going to get worse.

 

His perfect plan of bring Sam and Daniel back into the fold was crashing around his feet.  He began to wonder if there was a level any lower than where he was now.

 

He left the orderlies to wrestle with Daniel and walked to the private medical suite.  Dr. Lam turned when he stepped through the door and hurried over to him.

 

“General O’Neill,” Dr. Lam quietly said as she placed a hand on his arm to lead him back out the door.

 

Jack stopped abruptly when they reached the hallway and snapped, “What’s happened?!”

 

Carolyn took a deep, steadying breath and said softly, “Colonel Carter has lost the baby.”

 

For the second time in his life O’Neill felt like giving up.  Falling back against the wall he slid to the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest, his face buried in his hands.  Flash backs of this very position as he remembered another doctor, at a different time, telling him that his son was dead.  Now he knew there were plenty of levels to sink into.

 

The grief and pain that wrapped around Jack was palpable, but his concern now needed to be for Sam.  As he stood, readying himself to comfort his friend, the grief began to twist into a seething anger.  Jack struggled to keep control and to bury it deep inside for the time being.  Yet, when he opened the door to Sam’s room he saw her lying in the fetal position, shaking with unrestrained sobs.

 

Before anyone could react, Jack was pelting down the hallway towards the main infirmary.

 

“Oh, crap!”  Dr. Lam yelled, “Get a security team into the infirmary NOW!”

 

***

 

The orderlies had just finished bandaging the wounds on Dr. Jackson and were replacing the restraints around his wrists.  Per General O’Neill’s orders, the archeologist had not been given a sedative.  Although he was no longer thrashing about,  He still fidgeted restlessly while whimpering in despair.

 

Jack burst into the room and ordered everyone to leave.  Confused and hesitant, but bound by orders, the room was cleared.  With the door closed and locked behind the last to leave, O’Neill turned on the restrained man with a vengeance.  Barely in control of himself, Jack grabbed Daniel by the hospital scrubs and began to punch him repeatedly.

 

With every blow he landed he spat out vehemently, “YOU. STUPID. SON. OF. A. BITCH!”

 

Stopping his attack on the defenseless man, Jack yelled, “I don’t give a DAMN what the fucking doctors say!  I know you could understand what you were doing…”

 

Seeing the confused and terrified look on Daniel’s bloodied face, Jack shoved him down onto the bed.  Taking a few steps away and trying to calm down, O’Neill pressed his fist against his eyes.  He winced in pain, remembering the beating he took from the man in front of him.

 

How did this all go so wrong?  Jack asked himself.

 

He heard shouting coming from the hall outside.  The banging on the door startled both he and Daniel.

 

“General O’Neill,” Cam Mitchell’s voice yelled, “open the door, sir.”

 

Jack walked back over to Daniel.  The younger man cringe away, his cerulean eyes wide with.  Hanging his head and letting out a long sigh, the general sat heavily on a stool by the archeologist.  He was exhausted, in pain… physically, emotionally and mentally.

 

Cam’s voice came from the hallway again, “Sir, please open the door.  I really don’t want to have these guys break it down.”

 

O’Neill called back to the Colonel, “I’ll be out in a minute, Mitchell.  I’m just talking to him.”

 

Turning to face Daniel, Jack quietly spoke, “Sam… Sam lost the baby.”

 

He watched his friends face, waiting for a reaction.  All he saw was confusion.  Daniel’s forehead wrinkled, his eyes darted this way and that.  He started to bite his lower lip and Jack could hear a low whine coming from the linguist.

 

“Do you understand?” he asked.  “Daniel, the baby Sam was carrying, your baby… is dead.  When you hit her in the stomach… you killed the…”

 

Jack couldn’t continue.  His gaze fell to the floor.  Daniel wasn’t going to understand what he had done.  And O’Neill began to think maybe he shouldn’t be made to understand either.  Standing up and walking to the door, he decided the best place for him right now was with Sam.

 

Just as Jack reached the door, he heard Daniel’s voice, cracked and distressed, “Bbbbbabbby?  Mmmeee hur, hurt, hurt?”

 

His hand on the door, Jack turned to face him again.

 

“Yes,” he replied, “You killed Sam’s baby.”

 

For an instant, Jack swore he saw total clarity in Daniel’s eyes before he fell back against his pillow, and let out the most anguished cry that anyone had ever heard.

 

The door flew open and Dr. Lam rushed in with Mitchell hot on her heels.  The former rushed to Daniel’s side immediately, while the latter halted by O’Neill.

 

“What did you do to him?” Cam asked heatedly.

 

“Told him the truth.”  Dropping his eyes down, Jack walked out.

 

Dr. Lam called out orders as her patient began to jerk and foam at the mouth.  “He’s seizing!  I need 10mm of valium and stand by with the ambu-bag…”

 

As he headed back to Carter, Jack’s mind was a whirl of contradicting thoughts.  He loved Sam and would do anything for her.  He hated what happened and yes, right then… he hated Daniel for causing it.  On the other hand, Daniel was his best friend and he wouldn’t want to upset Sam by hurting the man she chose to love.

 

This was getting way too complicated.  He didn’t even noticed when he reached Sam’s room.  Pausing outside for a moment, Jack took a deep breath, then went inside.  The very least he could do was be with her for comfort and support.

 

 

***

 

Several hours later, Mitchell and Vala entered Sam’s room.  O’Neill was sitting with his head resting on her bed.  Even though she was asleep, grief was clearly seen on her face.  Vala pulled up a stool and sat.  She rubbed Sam’s back gently, comfortingly.

 

“General O’Neill,” Mitchell spoke quietly, “sir, you’re wanted in your office.  General Landry is here to see you.”

 

Jack stirred, sat up and stretched.  Both of his eyes were swollen, black, blue, purple and bloodshot.  The right side of his jaw was similarly colored.  With slightly unfocused eyes, he turned to Mitchell.

 

“How is she doing?” the Colonel asked.

 

Standing up, O’Neill gazed down on the sleeping form of Samantha.

 

“She hasn’t spoken.  Stopped crying shortly after I came in.  For a long time, she just laid there and stared off into nothing.  Dr. Lam came in an hour ago and gave her something to make her sleep.”  He turned to Cameron, “How’s Daniel?”

 

Surprised that the general was concerned about the archeologist, Mitchell looked at him warily.

 

“He’s unresponsive.  The Doc says that after the seizure he just went comatose.”

 

Jack nodded solemnly.  He turned to go, then paused at Mitchell’s side.  “Please stay with her.  I don’t want her to wake up alone.”

 

“Actually, sir, I have to go with you.  I brought Vala to stay with Sam.  I thought another woman would be better anyway.  In case she wanted to talk.”

 

Nodding his head thoughtfully, Jack gave Cam a small, appreciative smile.  The two men left the room, heading to O’Neill’s office and what the general figured was going to be his last day in the USAF.

 

***

 

The light was intense.  Blinding.  There was no sound at all.

 

Daniel was lying on the floor of… what he wasn’t sure.  Sitting up he looked around, trying to think why he was here, where ever here was, and how he had gotten here.

 

Standing, Daniel began to walk around.  He felt… funny.  Not like he’d been feeling but more like himself.  Lucid.  Normal.

 

He couldn’t bring to mind why feeling normal was strange.  A few images flit through his mind.  Disturbing images.  Scenes of anger, hostility and violence.  All done by him.

 

Shaking his head to scatter the thoughts away, Daniel cleared his throat, “Uh… Hello?”

 

His voice echoed slightly.  Being alone in an unknown place, with no real memory of how he got there, was unnerving to say the least.  He wrapped his arms around himself in his customary self hug of protection.

 

“Anyone here?” he asked quietly.

 

“Yes,” a small voice answered him.

 

Daniel spun around to see who was speaking.  But no one was there.  Not one who was easily spooked, the hair on the back of his neck on end.

 

“Who are you?  What’s going on?”

 

“You know who I am, Daniel,” the voice said quietly.

 

A bright light shown behind the archeologist and he turned.  The image became clear as a young man walked towards him.  Daniel was stunned.

 

“Shifu?  You’ve grown,” smiling, the former ascended Dr. Jackson stated.  “I didn’t think that you would keep growing while you were… you know, with Oma and the others.”

 

“All things grow, Daniel.  Even if you are ascended,” Shifu grinned at him.

 

“I understand… I think,” Daniel looked around to see if Oma was going to show up as well.  When nothing happened, he turned his attention back to Shifu.  “Why am I here?”

 

“Only you can answer that,” the boy told him politely.

 

Trying hard not to roll his eyes, Daniel let out an exasperated sigh.  “Shifu, I… I really have no clue what is going on.  I can’t remember… I, I can’t remember… anything.”

 

Shifu nodded sympathetically at the frustrated man.  Daniel shoved his hands into his pockets and began to pace nervously.  The young man sat down cross-legged on the floor and waited for him to stop.  When he did, Shifu indicated for him to also sit.  Silence stretched into impossibly long minutes.  Daniel began to fidget.  He wanted to know what was going on.

 

“Um… Shifu.  I, I know that your ways are… rather cryptic with the explanations, but, I really would appreciate it if… maybe you could give me a straight answer.  Please?  You know, no little… Oma’isems,” Daniel pleaded with the young man seated in front of him.

 

Shifu smiled gently at him, “You have always been impatient, Daniel.  Even Oma said she could not teach you the value of patients.”

 

Daniel grumbled under his breath, “That’s because humans don’t live long in comparison to Ancients.”

 

The younger man nodded, but remained silent.

 

Daniel closed his eyes, took a deep breath and relaxed.  “Okay.  I remember being with Sam… on a date.  We had been talking about…” he bit his lip, scrunching up his face in concentration.

 

“We were talking about getting married,” his eyes snapped open.  “There was a scream down an alley and I went to help a girl that was getting pushed around by some boys.  One of them pulled a gun on me… Oh my god!  Am I dead… again?”

 

“No,” Shifu replied.  “Keep searching..  The images you see now happened four months ago.”

 

Daniel was shocked.  “Wait, what?  Four months?!  I don’t understand.  What’s been going on since then?”

 

The boy shook his head slowly, “You must find it inside of yourself.”

 

“Oh come on!” the archeologist fumed, “Shifu, I can’t remember.  Four months?  Was I unconscious?  Have my memories been taken?  What?”

 

When there was no answer, Daniel jumped to his feet and stormed around.  “OMA!  Give me something here!  Anything!”

 

Angry and confused, Daniel desperately wanted to hit something.  It was that feeling which sparked his memory.

 

“I was in a coma.  I don’t know how long, though.”

 

When Shifu nodded, Daniel sat back down in front of him and resumed the meditation.  After some calming breaths, he continued to delve into is fractured memories.

 

He saw images as if he was ascended again.  Like when he was dying of radiation poisoning.  He could see Sam walk into a hospital room…  No; it looked more like a rehab room.  He strained to hear what was being said by a nurse to Sam, but couldn’t make it out.  Then Daniel watched as Sam went over to his still form and leaned down.

 

“Daniel, I have something to tell you.  I know you can hear me; you need to find your way back.  Now more than ever.  Daniel, we’re going to have a baby.”

 

In his lotus position, on the floor of god knows where, Daniel tensed as he recalled her statement.  Not wanting to break the connection with the memories, he forced himself to concentrate on the images.

 

“Daniel, please…” Sam quietly pleaded.  “I need you.  We need you.  You are going to be a father in six months.  Please come back to us.”

 

He couldn’t take it any longer.  Leaping to his feet, Daniel searched for a way out.  Tears making his eyes even brighter than normal.  He turned to Shifu.

 

“I have to go back, Shifu,” he bagged, “Send me back now!”

 

Shifu shook his head sadly, “No, Daniel.  Not yet.  There is more.”

 

Indicating for the archeologist to resume his seat and proceed with his memories, Shifu smiled gently.  With a huff of annoyance, he grudgingly sat back down again, and with eyes closed, he began his quest.

 

This time, he saw Jack standing beside him, and he looked angry.

 

“All right, Daniel.  Enough is enough.  You’ve got a beautiful woman pining for you.  A kid on the way.  Friends all over this freakin’ universe, and can’t bother to wake up?”

 

The memory faded suddenly, but only for a moment.  When it cleared, Daniel jumped slightly.  Jack O’Neill was in his face.

 

“Now you listen to me, boy.  I loved Carter long before you had any inclinations that she was a woman.  But I knew it wouldn’t have worked between us.  When she told me that you two were together, I just about jumped on the earliest plane from D.C. to come back and kick your ass.

 

“After a few shots of J.D., I realized that it was actually the best thing that could have happened for her.  For both of you.  Now you go and pull this bullshit?!

 

“Nah ah, Danny boy.  You will not leave her to pick up the pieces of your scattered brained life.  I will not let you do that to her again.”

 

Daniel recoiled as if Jack had actually been beside him.  He laid down and covered his face with his hands.  What Jack had said was ringing in his ears.  Like it was his fault that he had been shot by some teenaged punk.  That he wanted to be separated from the woman that he was madly in love with.  Why was Jack blaming him?

 

Sitting up again, he looked at Shifu and quietly said, “I didn’t mean to leave her.  I don’t want to leave her.  I promised.”  Trying to swallow a golf ball size lump in his throat, he begged, “Let me go back…  Now.  I can search for the rest of the memories later; I need to get back to Sam.”

 

Shifu’s soft eyes betrayed his emotions for the man before him.  “There is more for you to see, Daniel.  More for you to understand.”

 

With a miserable groan, Daniel relented and closed his eyes again.  The images came to him as if someone had pressed the fast-forward button on a DVD remote.

 

He did wake up.  Sam was with him, helping him to relearn how to do basic things.  Feed himself, brush his hair, and even tie his shoes.  The part of his mind that was analytical, watched in dismay at seeing he could not read or write.  That he was being taught and rewarded like a child.

 

Then to his horror, he saw, himself lose control with anger and rage.  Breaking things and fighting with orderlies.  This wasn’t him.  He wasn’t like that.

 

The scenes began to slow down and he heard Sam tell him that they were going home.  And he was to be the first patient at the new Air Force Academy Mental and Behavioral Center.  It was a facility created primarily for soldiers suffering from PTSD and other mental trauma, and was on the Air Force Academy grounds close to the Cheyenne Mountain complex.  It was a state of the art facility staffed with personal that knew about the Stargate Program.  But he didn’t understand.

 

Daniel was confused and scared.  He began to withdraw and was very irritable.  Sam would tell him every day that they were going back to where his friends were waiting for him.  Back to one of the few places he had actually called home.

 

What happened next pulled a cry from his throat.  He saw himself in a rage again and destroying his room.  He had hit an orderly in the nose, breaking it.  Then he saw Sam come in to try and calm him down only to have his ‘memory self’ shove her away so hard that she fell.

 

Again, Daniel was on his feet.  He wanted nothing more than to run away.  Everything he was seeing was crashing down on him, smothering him.

 

“No more, Shifu!” he cried, “Just let me go home.  Let me make it right.”

 

“No, Daniel.  You must continue,” the young man replied.

 

Screaming at the top of his lungs, then squatting down onto his haunches he wrapped his arms around his knees.  Rocking back and forth with his head buried in his arms, Daniel reluctantly went back into his memories.

 

He saw Sam sitting with the doctor that had been there when he was fighting with the orderlies.  Daniel now saw things from Sam’s point of view instead of his.  He figured that this memory was not his own.

 

The doctor spoke to Sam in a gentle voice, “What Daniel is experiencing is called Broca’s Aphasia.  The type he seems to be experiencing is called non-fluent aphasia.  Some people that have had damage to the frontal lobe of the brain often have this problem.  They frequently speak in short phrases that make sense but are produced with great effort  People with Broca's aphasia usually understand the speech of others reasonably well.  Because of this, they are often aware of their difficulties and can become easily frustrated and are more prone to depression.  Daniel is aware of his deficiencies, but can’t do anything about them.

 

“With a traumatic brain injury like his, behavior problems will also surface.  Sudden acts of aggression towards himself or others, explosive anger, non-compliance, even tantrums and crying.  Daniel is showing signs of depression, paranoia, agitation, and insomnia that are very common with TBI.”

 

Daniel could tell how upset Sam was after hearing everything that was said.  He was disturbed by the idea of being that… disadvantaged too.

 

The scene shifted again and he saw that he was strapped to a gurney on what he assumed was an airplane.  He saw Jack and Sam talking quietly.  Feeling the rage building up inside of him as he witnessed Jack putting his arm around Sam, Daniel couldn’t shake the sensation of jealousy.  The next instant he could actually taste the blood from Jack’s arm in his mouth.

 

Daniel fell backwards onto the floor.  “Why?  Shifu, why did this happen?  Why can’t… whoever has it out for me, just stop?”

 

“I am sorry, my friend.  But I cannot answer what I do not know.  You must remember that the wind blows on the just and unjust equally.”

 

“Then why am I living in a fucking hurricane?”

 

Shifu stood and walked over to the distraught archeologist.  He placed his hand on Daniel’s forehead.  At that moment, he was back in his memories.

 

He saw himself happy to be home at the SGC.  Saw how relieved Sam seemed to be also.  Then the atmosphere changed as Sam had tried to snuggle up with him.  He ran away from her.  Why?

 

The flood of thoughts became clear as he watched his ‘memory self’ rocking in a corner, banging his head against the wall.

 

Eyes darting around like a caged wolf, he tried desperately to think of why he was scared of her hugging him.  He knew her touch.  He knew that he liked it when she held his hand.  But she had not been with him at night… in the same room… with only one bed.  Somewhere in the vastness of his mind a notion that he belonged to her flitted just out of reach.

 

The more he tried to focus, the more confused he got.  He didn’t like that.  What was going on?  Why couldn’t he pull all the images together?

 

Daniel felt all of the pain and frustration welling up inside and wanted nothing more than to find some way to release it.  But the memories kept coming in earnest.

 

All of a sudden he stilled.  Opening his eyes, he cocked his head to one side.  Samantha.  He loved her.  Like a flash of light, it hit him.  Yes… he loved her and she loved him.  He remembered her arms around him… holding him close.  The feel of her naked skin on his.  The sensation of her tongue plumbing the depths of his mouth.

 

Daniel slowly stood up and inched his way over to the sleeping woman.  Listening to her breath and watching her chest rise and fall with each inhale, exhale, it was familiar.  He carefully sat down on the edge of the bed, still watching… studying.  Something inside his body was pushing him to touch her.

 

With painfully slow moves, Daniel reached out and caressed Sam’s shoulder.  She stirred slightly, but did not wake up.  Smiling, and feeling a little braver, he gently ran his fingers through her hair.

 

Yes!  He knew this.  He knew that this was right and it felt good.  Encouraged by his own boldness, Daniel decided to lie down next to her.  As soon as he was prone, Sam rolled over and nestled up against his side throwing an arm a crossed his waist.  Hesitating for a moment, he closed his eyes and let his primal instincts take over.  Daniel wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.

 

With a sigh, he relaxed in the sensation of peace and contentment.  This, he remembered as one of his favorite places to be.  No longer afraid, Daniel nuzzled his nose in the crook of her neck.  Inhaling deeply, her scent reawakened many of his memories and sensations.  The warmth that was flowing through his body made him ache.

 

Relaxing a little, Daniel let himself be consumed by the feelings of love and contentment.  He liked this memory.  He wouldn’t mind more of them.  But that was not going to happen.

 

The next moment he saw himself going hysterical at the sound of the klaxon going off.  Saw his memory self lashing out at Sam and sending her flying across the room.  He watched as Jack came in and put him in a headlock to try and calm him down, but unintentionally choking him into unconsciousness.

 

The images began to speed up again.  He saw his chess games with Cam Mitchell and felt that he was happy.  Then the rage kicked in again when Cam had given Sam a friendly hug.

 

He watched as he went through speech therapy and how happy he was when he could say Sam’s name without the stutter.  That feeling lasted all of three minutes.  Sam had sat him down to talk with him.

 

“I’m moving off base, I have an apartment in the city.  It’s close to where you will be.  I just can’t stay here at night any longer.”

 

The shock and panic on his face made Sam cringe.

 

“Please understand, Daniel.  It’s not you.  The doctors and I feel you would do better without me as a distraction.  I’m not leaving you, just giving you some space.  Like it was before, in Oregon, remember?  You stayed at the home and I came everyday to see you.”

 

His breathing became erratic and he started rocking back and forth hugging himself as he always did when he was upset.  When Sam reached out to touch him, he jumped up and ran away from her.  She went after him as he tore into the room that they had been sharing at night.  Looking around, Daniel saw that all of her things were gone.

 

“Nooooo!  Noooo!” he cried.

 

Sam touched his back gently, “I’ll be here with you during the day…”

 

Shifu removed his hand from Daniel’s head and pulled the man into a sitting position.

 

“Daniel, the things you will now see are very recent.  They are also very disturbing.  But you must see them in order to complete your journey.”

 

He whimpered piteously, “No more, Shifu, please.  I don’t like that man.  He’s not me, not who I am.”

 

“No, he is not, Daniel.  That is why you have been brought here.  To understand not only what you have been through, but also what those that love you have suffered,” Shifu told him compassionately.

 

Placing his hand on Daniel’s head again, Shifu let the memories begin.

 

Daniel watched in shock as he saw himself cutting his own arm with broken glass.  Then how Jack had talked him down and got him back from the edge.

 

The next scene was that of he and Sam dancing to music that he had picked out to let her know how he felt.  To say the words he couldn’t.  He was filled with the passion that burned within his ‘memory self’ as he and Sam made love for the first time in months.  The utter joy he felt when the baby in Sam’s belly moved beneath his head.

 

Then it all disappeared.

 

The rage came upon him again when he saw Jack and Sam hugging.  He heard his primal screams as he ripped his lover from the arms of another man and then started to beat his best friend.

 

Daniel thought for sure he would die right there under Shifu’s hand.  Yet all the previous memories were a minor sorrow compared with what he saw next.

 

Sam jumped up to stop the archeologist from hurting Jack.  When she put a hand on Daniel’s arm, he spun around in a blind rage and punched her full force in the stomach.

 

“NOOOOO!!!!!  STOP THIS!!!” Daniel screamed out, shoving Shifu away from him.  But the images kept coming.

 

  Daniel knew something extremely bad was about to be reviled to him. And Jack's voice came in loud and clear…

 

“Daniel, the baby Sam was carrying, your baby… is dead. When you hit her in the stomach… you killed the…”

 

Weeping inconsolably, Daniel curled into the fetal position.  The only conscious awareness he had was Shifu’s hand on his back.  Time was no longer passing.  Daniel didn’t know what he could do to make things right now.  He wondered if maybe he shouldn’t even try.

 

He had finally been with the woman he loved.  The one he had pined over for years and was soon to have a child with.  And now he has hurt her— more than any System Lord or Ori priest could have.  How could Oma have ever thought that he was noble enough to ascend.

 

He didn’t even like himself.  He just never realized how unstable and violent he truly was at the core of his being.

 

“Daniel,” Shifu’s voice came to him from far away, “you are a virtuous man.  You have overcome more than any other human could even imagine.  Now you need to find that resolve again and embrace it.  You have someone that needs you.”

 

“How can I go back to her?  I killed her baby.  I’ve done something that I can’t even forgive myself for.  How could I ask her to forgive me?  How could I believe it if she did.”

 

“Because she loves you more than you will ever know, Daniel.”

 

Daniel opened his eyes when he heard that voice.  Oma was kneeling beside him, smiling.
 

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, then you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

 

***

 

The brightness of the lights was overwhelming.  Jack blinked several times trying to get his eyes to work.  He felt as if he knew this light… had seen it before.  Looking around, he realized that he was no longer in his office being yelled at by General Landry.  No, he was on a different plain of reality altogether.  How and why he was there, was still a mystery.

 

“Jack,” a voice called to him.

 

He turned and saw Daniel with Oma and the boy, Shifu, well young man now.  Cocking his head he approached the trio.

 

“Daniel,” he answered in his no nonsense tone, “what’s going on?”

 

Oma was the one that answered him, “I have brought you here, Jack O’Neill.”

 

Jack nodded slightly then asked, “Why?”

 

Daniel moved forward only to stop when Jack step away from him.  That act sent waves of grief crashing through the archeologist.  His shoulders drooping and wrapped his arms around himself, Daniel looked down.  He knew this was going to be difficult, but he wasn’t ready for Jack’s obvious rejection.

 

Turning to Oma, Daniel mumbled, “I can’t do this.  After what I did, Oma, how can I?”

 

She smiled that annoying, all knowing grin of hers, “When wandering alone, parted from loving friends.  When the shapes of empty thoughts collide and overwhelm you.  Put forth the power of divine compassion.  Approach it with neither trepidation nor terror, for you will find peace in the truth of the judgment.”

 

Closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, Daniel heaved a deep sigh.  Turning again to Jack, he bit his lip in concentration of what he wanted to say.

 

Swallowing the lump that formed in his throat, Daniel looked at anything but Jack.

 

“Oma has brought you here so I could… ask for your… forgiveness,” he spoke quietly, voice filled with dread at what his friend would say to this.

 

Jack stared at him.  He really didn’t know what to think.

 

“Ask for my forgiveness?  I just took some punches.  It’s Carter that you’ve nearly killed.  She hasn’t said a word since you… you know,” Jack paused a moment, “or, do you know?  Do you remember what happened?”

 

Daniel staggered away.  He couldn’t do this.  He just wanted to disappear, crawl away, and never be any trouble for anyone again.

 

“Yes,” Daniel mumbled as the tears again shown in his eyes.

 

Watching his friend fight with the internal demons that were attacking him, Jack moved to Daniel side.  Pulling him into a hug, he spoke quietly to him.

 

“I will always be here for you, Daniel, just like you have always been there for me.  I know that the things you’ve been doing are not really your fault.  It’s just so hard on the rest of us, seeing you in this state.  Not knowing if… you will ever get back to being… well, you.

 

“Forgiveness is going to be hard, I won’t lie to you.  But I will help you in any way I can.”

 

Jack pulled away from his friend, seeing the shame on his wet face.

 

“I can’t guarantee that Sam will totally understand, but I know that she loves you.  It’ll be long and difficult to rebuild your relationship with her.”

 

Sniffling like a child, Daniel wiped his hands across his face, “I don’t think I will even ask her to… stay with me.  Not after…”

 

“Daniel,” Jack took his shoulders and gave him a shake, “don’t underestimate Sam’s love.  That’s the mistake I made with Sarah when Charlie died.”

 

Jack turned to Oma and Shifu, “When he comes back, will he be… you know… normal?”

 

“What is normal?” Oma asked.

 

Rolling his eyes Jack scowled at the Ancient, “Will he be back to the way he was before he was shot in the head?!”

 

Shifu smiled at the irritated general, “He will not.  However…” he glanced at Oma.  When she nodded her agreement, he continued, “we will heal him from some of the violence that has taken over.  It is, in a way, my fault.”

 

Both men stared at Shifu looking for clarification.  The boy smiled and answered, “The violence he has been dealing with was never his in the first place.  It was a remnant from when I was teaching him of the evil in the Goa’uld.  These urges, will be lessened, but not wholly gone.”

 

Oma then placed a hand on Daniel’s back, “Daniel, when you return, you will still not be able to understand everything that has happened to you.  And the road you are on will still be long and hard.  But with the help of your friends and Samantha, will you be able to recover sufficiently.”

 

Daniel nodded his understanding, but Jack wasn’t so sure.

 

“But will he be back to his old self?  I mean, the one doctor said he would never fully recover,” Jack’s voice sounded pleading.  “Can you make it so he will?”

 

“I cannot.  But I believe that Daniel can overcome anything he puts his mind too,” she replied.

 

“That’s for sure,” looking at his friend, Jack ruffled his hair like he use to.  “The most stubborn man I’ve ever met.”

 

“I still don’t think I can do this,” Daniel mumbled.  “Face Sam and, and, try to…”  He looked away from everyone, burying his face in his hands again.  “Please, Oma, just let me die.  I don’t deserve to ascend, and I really don’t want to screw-up Sam’s life.  It’d just be better for everyone if I just… disappeared.”

 

Jack grabbed Daniel’s face with both hands and looked into his eyes.  Daniel tried to pull away from him, but the general would not let him.

 

Through clenched teeth, Jack growled, “I don’t ever want to hear that from you again, Danny!  Now, you’re comin’ home with me, and you will get better.  We will help Sam get through this… together.  Do you understand me?”

 

Daniel didn’t respond.

 

Jack shook his friend firmly and asked again, “Do you understand me?”

 

Eyes downcast and with a shudder, Daniel nodded.

 

Jack put his arm around his broken friend’s shoulder, “It’s time to come home then, Danny.”

 

Oma smiled at them and the light began to intensify.

 

“The road is hard and the journey long, but with the lasting ties of true friendship, all will seem as if it were only a moment in time.”

 

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

 

Tears stream down your face
I promise you that I'll learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

 

Fix You
by Coldplay

To be continued...