Chapter Five: House of Cards

 

After three and a half months, most of the outward signs of Daniel’s attack were gone.  His inner turmoil was still very evident.  His speech was still very hard to understand by anyone that wasn’t Jack.  When O’Neill asked about it with Daniel’s speech therapist, she told him it was more mental than physical.  He was trying too hard to sound like he used too and not relaxing his tongue enough for the words to come out correctly.

 

So, Daniel was still distant and uncommunicative.  The meds he was now taking for his mental wellbeing made him sleepy all the time and a mere shadow of the man Jack knew.  However, they helped keep the night-terrors to only a few times a week, instead of every time he slept.

 

Jack asked Daniel to move in with him until he was back to ‘normal’.  It just seemed dumb for Daniel to pay for a hotel room he rarely used.  Jack’s house was plenty big enough for the two of them.  And now Daniel had his fish tank back.  O’Neill never understood the attraction of the fish tank, but Daniel would sit and watch them swim around for hours after a particularly bad day.

 

Daniel was also sleeping in bed with Jack more and more.  When the younger man slept in his own room, the dreams came and Jack would be up half the night trying to calm Daniel down.  It just became easier to sleep together.

 

As promised, Daniel met with the new psychiatrist, Dr. Beth Fleming, and took the pills that were prescribed.  She was an older woman, formidable but had kind eyes.  Her fly-away hair was mostly white and she wore reading glasses half way down her nose.  The first meeting, Jack had insisted in sitting in with Daniel.  He wanted to make sure this would be a good fit.

 

For the first few appointments, Daniel would huddle in his chair and only answer Dr. Fleming with short, quiet answers.  After two weeks, she revised the diagnoses of Bi-Polar.  However, in place of that label, she told him Daniel had Borderline Personality Disorder.  She was going to reduce the number of drugs Daniel was taking, nevertheless.  Jack asked the doctor what Borderline Personality Disorder was.

 

“The main characteristic of BPD is a prevalent pattern of unpredictability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions.  People with BPD quite often very impulsive,” she told them.

 

“What makes you think that’s what Daniel has?  I mean… are there symptoms I should’ve seen a long time ago?” Jack asked.  He really wanted to get to the bottom of his friend slip-sliding away every couple of years.

 

Dr. Fleming pulled out a sheet of paper and handed it to Jack, saying, “These are the most common symptoms of BPD.”

 

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

 

 

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating

between extremes of idealization and devaluation

 

 

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

 

 

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,

substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

 

 

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

 

 

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,

irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

 

 

Chronic feelings of emptiness

 

 

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper,

constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

 

 

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

 

He quickly scanned the document and nodded.  He could see Daniel in many of the points.  With a heavy sigh, Jack accepted her diagnoses.

 

Now that Jack was more informed with what Daniel was working through, he starting to give him more space.  Daniel was still scratching at his arms, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been.  Jack was still having to clean up the wounds when he noticed his friend’s fingernails were bloody.  Most of the time, Daniel didn’t even realize he was doing it.  If Jack saw him scratching, he would reach over, pull his hand away from his arm and hold on it for a while.

 

***

 

Daniel’s new friend, Drew, dropped by to visit.  He brought his boyfriend Joey to meet them.

 

“Daniel, Jack, this is my Joey,” Drew introduced the men.

 

“Hey, Joey, nice to meet you” Jack said warmly, shaking the new comers hand.  “Come on in guys.  Get you something to drink?”

 

“Sure, but we can’t stay long,” Joey said.

 

When everyone had their beverage, they all sat in the living room.  Jack studied the new arrivals.  Drew was about as tall as himself and built like a brick wall.  His short military hair was dark and he had a look of Native American about him.

 

Joey was a little shorter and stockier with a shock of white-blonde hair, pulled back in a ponytail.  They made a cute couple.  Drew was holding Joey’s hand loosely and would lean over every now and then to bump shoulders.

 

Drew opened the conversation.  “So, Daniel, we came here to formally ask you to come to our support group.  I really think it will help… and so does Joey.”

 

Daniel looked over to Jack with his eyebrows raised.

 

“What?” he asked with an innocent look.  “So, I called them.  Thought it’d be good for us to try it out.  Dr. Fleming did too.”

 

“Daniel,” Joey gently said, “We would like to help you through this.  I know how painful this has been for you.  Please consider coming to a meeting. The group is small and very welcoming.  I’d like to do some one-on-one counseling with you also.  What’da say?”

 

At first, Daniel shook his head, then he caught Jack’s pleading eyes staring at him.  With a deep sigh, he acquiesced, “I guess.”

 

“It’s a good thing to do, Daniel.  I didn’t think so at first either, but it has really helped me,” Drew said.  “I’m in Joey’s group too.  We can get to know each other better.”

 

Nodding his head, Daniel gave his two new friends a small smile.

 

Jack clapped his hands, startling Daniel, and said, “Outstanding!  When’s the next meeting?”

 

“On Thursday at 15:00.  We meet at the library on the Academy campus.  Some of us go out afterward too, just to unwind.  You’ll be welcome to come also,” Drew said.

 

“We’ll see how it goes,” Jack answered him, “if Danny’s up for some socializing I think it would be good.  Danny’s a real party animal when he wants to be.”

 

Rolling his eyes at Jack, he bowed his head and mumbled, “’ack-ass.  ‘ook, I’m gekking ki’ah ‘ire.  ‘hink I’oo go oo my room.” <I’m getting kinda tired.  Think I’ll go to my room,>

 

Jack looked over to see if they understood him and was pleased to see both men nod.  Daniel stood and shook their hands and shuffled off down the hall to his room.

 

 “Sorry.  He’s still not use to all the meds they have him on.”

 

“Sure, we understand,” Joey said with a grin.  “Looks like you could use some rest too, Jack.  Drew took a lot outta me when I was helping him last year.”

 

“And he never lets me forget it, too!  Right, Love?” Drew kissed him on the cheek with a smile as they rose to leave.  Jack showed them to the door.

 

Just before they exited, Jack asked, “I forgot to ask, can I come with him to the group meetings, Joey?”

 

The blonde-haired man nodded with a huge grin on his face, “The meetings are for victims and their support family.  You’ll be welcomed.  Most of the men were very reluctant to speak at first.  When I opened the group to the people that were helping them, it seemed to make all the difference.”

 

“We’ll be there,” he confirmed, “Thank you… both of you!”

 

Jack was only slightly surprised when they each gave him a bear hug before leaving.  After he closed the door, he leaned against it for a few minutes.  So much had happened in the time that Daniel had be back on this mortal plain.  And all this crap was done on good o’l planet earth.  Jack was used to having to clean-up shit that occurred on missions, but this felt entirely different.  He couldn’t pin point what was atypical about it, though.  Maybe because he didn’t have a Goa’uld to blame everything on.  They were easier to hate.

 

He thought about his friend.  Jack was a little concerned about Daniel’s sudden need for a nap.  He wandered down the hall and knocked on the bedroom door.  There was no answer.  He tried again.  When there was still no answer, he weighed his options.  Invade Daniel’s privacy and check on him like he was a kid?  Or believe that his friend would honor his promise and not do anything to harm himself.

 

Just as Jack chose to trust, Daniel called quietly, “’hif ok, ‘ack, you cam coom ii’” <It’s ok, Jack, you can come in.>

 

Opening the door, he smiled thinly, “How’d you know I was still there?”

 

Daniel snorted, “You hook ‘he ‘oor ‘ob off… I ‘oulg ‘ee you.” <You took the door knob off… I could see you.>

 

The older man looked back at the door, “Oh yeah,” he mumbled.  Walking over to sit next to his friend, he bumped shoulder to shoulder.  “How you doin’, Danny?”

 

Daniel thought for a long time.  “I’m fi’e.” <I’m fine.>

 

Jack lifted an eyebrow, “That’s not an answer.”

 

“Yeff, ‘hif iv.” <Yes, it is.>

 

“No, it’s not.”

 

“Iv fo!” <Is so!>

 

They both looked at each other when they realized they had fallen into their usual banter.  A second later, both began to laugh.  Actually laugh!  Hard.  By the time they got themselves under control, Daniel was holding his still sore ribs and Jack was wiping his eyes.  Neither of them had laughed like that in a long time.

 

Daniel looked into Jack’s eyes and his heart burst with overwhelming feelings.  Without thinking, he leaned over and kissed him full on the mouth.  His healing tongue softly brushed against Jack’s bottom lip, asking for entrance and after a second, was granted.  Then suddenly Jack pulled back, a look of utter shock on his face.

 

Realizing what he had done, Daniel vaulted off the bed and sprinted to a corner of the room.  He slid down the wall and pulled his knees up.  Rocking and muttering to himself, he began to bang his head against the wall, emphasizing each word, “oopig, oopig, oopig fu’hing quwer!  I’m ‘orry… I’m ‘orry… I’m fo ‘orry!  ‘umb ma’erfu’ing faggok!” <Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking queer!  I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry!  Dumb motherfucking faggot!>

 

When Jack came to his senses, he rushed over and tried to pull Daniel into his arms.

 

“Danny, stop it!” he said with a raised voice, “Stop it, Danny!”  Jack finally got his friend wrapped tight in a comforting embrace. 

 

Daniel was weeping and gasping for breath.  What the hell had come over him to kiss Jack like that?  What for fuck’s sake was he thinking?  That was the problem, he wasn’t thinking.

 

When Jack sensed Daniel start to calm ever so slightly, he released his hold on him, sitting back a little to look at his miserable friend.  He placed a warm hand on his cheek, rubbing a tear away with his thumb.

 

“I’m gonna get one of your anxiety pills, Danny.  Can I trust you not to do anything stupid?” Jack asked.

 

Daniel turned pain and panicked eyes to him, muttering “L‘ille la’e for ‘hak!” <Little late for that.>

 

Jack gave him a slight smile and pulled him in for a quick hug, “I’ll be right back… don’t move.”

 

When Jack left the room, Daniel wrapped his arms around himself and curled up on the floor.  How could he?  How could he have just kissed Jack like that?  He ruined everything in one split second.  Jack wouldn’t want to be around him now.

 

But where would he go?  He had no apartment, no job until he was medically released by Fraiser.  Maybe he could find a cheap SRO to move into.  He was better off alone anyhow.  Always had been.  Scrubbing a hand over his face to wipe the tear trail away, he stood up and got his duffle bag from the closet.  As he began to stuff his clothes into the bag, Jack came back in the room with a glass of water and the pills.  He stopped short when he saw what Daniel was doing.

 

“Um, Daniel?” he said carefully, “What’cha doin’?”

 

“’eaving.” <Leaving.>

 

Jack moved closer, “Leaving for where?”

 

“’usf ‘eaving.” <Just leaving.>

 

Setting the glass of water down, Jack put his hand on Daniel’s shoulder, only to have the younger man move away from the touch.  He held up his hands, placatingly.  “Danny, what’s goin’ on?”

 

Daniel sat on the end of the bed, head hung miserably.  His left hand began to itch his right arm as he rocked back and forth.  Jack grabbed the laptop off the nightstand and handed it to him, more because it would stop his scratching than he needed it to understand ‘Daniel-speak’.

 

“Talk to me, Danny.  Please.”

 

“Don’t want to talk.  Don’t want to think,” he typed.  “I ruin everything!  I’m sorry, Jack.  Please let me leave.  It’ll be better for you.”

 

Jack scooted next to him, putting his arm around his shoulder.  When Daniel tried to move away, Jack pulled him back into the half embrace.

 

With a firm voice, he said, “You don’t ruin everything, Danny.  In fact, of all the people I know, you are the one person that can heal others without effort.  If you leave, it would have the exact opposite effect on me than being better off,” Jack put his other arm around Daniel’s chest, wrapping him up, and rested his head on his shoulder.  “I need you, Danny.  I need you near me… with me.  As infuriating as you are, the times you are with me… are the happiest and dearest to my heart.

 

“While you were all glowy, I thought I’d lose my mind.  When you came to visit me in Ba’al’s prison…” his voice hitched and he felt a sting in his eyes.  “I was close, very close, to letting you help me ascend, but I didn’t know if we would be together, so I told you no.  I wanted you in my plain of existence, not theirs.  You have no idea how hard it was to let you go… again.

 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.  As for this whole being gay thing?  So, the fuck what!  I love you, Daniel Jackson, with all of my heart.  And knowing that you love me too?  Well, it makes my insides all mushy.  Please don’t push me away from you.  Please, let me help you get through this mess.  And when you are back on your feet and a little more yourself, we can talk about this thing we have between us more.  ‘Cause I know, there is something between us that doesn’t fit in the world view of love, but it fits into mine.”

 

Jack could feel Daniel sobbing quietly in his arms.  He held him close, trying to hold him together as best he could.  They sat taking silent comfort in each other for a long time.  When Jack felt Daniel begin to sag in his arms, he extracted himself and retrieved the glass of water and pills.  Holding them out in his hand, Daniel took them without protest.

 

“Come lay down, Danny.  You said you were tired, take a little snooze.  I’ll get dinner going while you sleep, okay?”

 

Daniel nodded and dumped his duffle bag on the floor and crawled into his bed.  Jack covered him up, ruffled his hair and left him to sleep.

 

***

 

As it seemed to happen at least once every few missions, things went south almost as soon as the ‘gate shut down.  The locals were aiming a myriad of weapons right at SG-1 and they had absolutely no choice but to lay down their arms.  Taken into custody the four-member team were tossed unceremoniously into a small, dirt floor prison to await their future.

 

“They did not have any indication of which system lord they serve, O’Neill,” Teal’c said quietly.

 

“Yeah, I noticed that too,” he answered.  “If they question us, mums the word.  Got it?”  Jack looked right at his archeologist, “Daniel?”

 

“How am I supposed to help you if I can’t talk to these people and find out why we’re here?”

 

With an angry stare, O’Neill cuffed him upside the back of his head, “Just do what I tell you to do, Jackson!  That’s an order!”

 

Before he could argue back, two big, burly men came and dragged Carter out of the cage.  The three male team members tried to fight them off, but the guards had Goa’uld pain-sticks and used them liberally.

 

An hour later, the same men came back, without Carter, and took Teal’c.  Again, Jack and Daniel were hit with the pain-sticks.  It was quiet in the cell.  O’Neill was still irritated with his remaining team member.  When they heard the outside door to their prison open, Jack grabbed Daniel by the jacket and snarled into his face, “You keep that pretty little mouth quiet!  Or else!”

 

Again, the guards were without their missing comrades.  This time they took Jack.  Daniel stayed back away from the doors so he wouldn’t get the pain-stick.  It seemed a long time before they came back for him.  The jailers dragged Daniel out and into what seemed to be a small throne room.  There was a huge man sitting on an ornate throne with a wicked look about his face.  He had nothing on but a crown that looked to be made of human finger bones.  Daniel looked around for his teammates, but there was no sign of them.  He was shoved to his knees before the ruler.

 

“My, my, my… aren’t you a pretty one?” the man said with a deep and foreboding voice.

 

Daniel looked for Jack again, but didn’t see him.  The archeologist squared his shoulders and remained silent.

 

“I think I’m going enjoy taking you,” the big man licked his lips.  “I didn’t care for the woman, she was too fragile anyway.  Broke her without even raising a sweat.”

 

Daniel gasped but stayed quiet.

 

“And the big Jaffa…” the ruler sneered, “I don’t do Jaffa!  But then came the other man.  I liked the look of that one.  Made me very hard.  I was about ready to pleasure myself with him when he said that the last one of his team would be much better to take than his old bones.  I see that he was right!”

 

The big man leered at Daniel, almost drooling with lust.  “He told me that you would amuse me greatly.  That you would love every minute of my affections.”

 

“What?” Daniel shouted out, “Jack told you that?”

 

“Oh yes, little one,” he said as he stood up.  “Told me how much you love to have dick.  All hot and hard.  Told me how you enjoy being taken violently.  Quite the little bitch you are, he said.  A real screamer too!”

 

Daniel’s eyes went wide when he saw the erect penis of the man.  Huge would be an understatement.  He looked like the model for every male fertility god image he had ever seen.  Shaking uncontrollably, Daniel tried to back away from the advancing ruler.

 

“No…” Daniel panted and tried to scramble away, “Jack wouldn’t tell you those things!!”

 

The guards grabbed him forcefully.  They took out their knives and cut the clothes off his body, not caring if he was slashed along with them.  They pushed him to his knees as the King reached his victim.  Running fingers through Daniel’s hair, he brushed his cock all over his face, leaving a pre-cum trail.

 

“Nice little queer, the other man said.  Made him sick to even be around you.  Told me how you lusted after him, wanted him to take you from behind.  Informed me how nauseating it was to even look at you!”

 

“Jack… he, he would never say those things!! He said that he was okay with my love for him!” Daniel screamed.

 

“Really?” the ruler said, “Jack?  Is that true?”

 

Daniel turned to see his friend lounging on a smaller throne.  The horror on Jack’s face ripped through his spirit.  Unbridled fury overcame the colonel. 

 

“Fucking fairy!!  God damn queer!!” Jack scorned as he got up from the chair and took a pain-stick from one of the guards.  With a terrifying glare, he used the business end of the stick and hit Daniel over and over.  When that torture wasn’t enough, O’Neill began to hit him and kick him.

 

“Really, Daniel!  For someone so smart, you sure are dumb!  You really think I would want a fucking homo on my team?  You don’t even deserve the life you have, faggot!

 

“I HATE YOU!” Jack snarled in his ear as he slammed his head down onto the floor.  “I hate that I’m always having to look out for you!  Always having to yell at you because you never listen!  You are a disgrace to the uniform they let you wear.”

 

Jack spit in Daniel’s face, then turned away and said, “He’s all yours.  Fuck’em to death for all I care!”

 

***

 

Just as Jack began to fix dinner, his cell phone rang.  Looking to see who it was, he frowned.

 

“O’Neill,” he said rather gruffly, “No, sir, I didn’t mean anything… Yes, sir…  But General, I’m on leave until Daniel gets back to normal…  Send Reynolds and his team, sir… I can’t just up and leave him like this… Yes, sir… sorry, sir… I’ll be there in an hour, sir.”

 

He gently laid the phone on the counter, walked to the sliding glass door and out onto the back deck.

 

“FUCK!!” he screamed to the evening air.  Leaning on the railing, he bowed his head.  Should he wake Daniel and let him know?  He was still not sleeping well and Jack really didn’t want to do that.  Who the fuck was he going to get to stay with him?  Just then an idea jumped into his head.

 

Going back inside, he picked up the phone and dialed.

 

“Hey Doc,” he said with forced pleasantness, “I really need a favor!”

 

***

 

Daniel awoke sobbing into his pillow, this latest dream fresh on his mind.  He was confused.  Which Jack should he believe in?  The ones from his nightmares or the one that has been with him since this whole rollercoaster ride began?  Was their friendship a fraud?

 

It was time to find out.  Getting up, Daniel headed to the kitchen.  He stopped suddenly when he heard, not Jack’s voice, but Janet’s.  What was she doing here?  Slowly and quietly he approached the kitchen and looked around the corner.  The doctor’s back was turned and she was on the phone.

 

“Cassie, I will be at Colonel O’Neill’s place for a while… If you need anything, just give me a call… No, I don’t think that it would be a good idea for you to stay here also.  Too much estrogen in one place may overwhelm Daniel… No, I don’t know how long… The Colonel had to go off-world… Okay, Cass… love you too, bye.”

 

Just as she hung up the phone, Daniel quickly returned to his room.  With pent up agitation, he took his hand splint off and threw it across the room.  Flopping down on his bed and thought about what he just heard.  Jack had to go.  Didn’t know when he’d be back.  Didn’t bother to wake him up and tell him himself.

 

This all coming on the heels of Daniel fucking up and kissing his best friend.  That was why he left.  Daniel knew it.  That had to be why he left.  He couldn’t take having a fairy-boy as a teammate.  The dreams were trying to tell him that.  He wasn’t usually this slow with the uptake, but now he understood.  Daniel grabbed his pillow and screamed into it, while he punched himself in the head with his fist.  He needed to feel the pain.  Needed his outward self to feel the same as his soul.

 

When that wasn’t enough, he sat and picked at his scabs from where he had been scratching while he slept.  He needed to think.  Needed to figure out how to get out of the house and gone from the state, while Jack was off doing… whatever he was doing.  Janet was a first-rate doctor, but he was sure that he could slip out without her noticing until it was too late.  Reaching over to his bedside table, he took and opened his wallet.  He had $300.00 cash.  That was good enough for a bus ticket to just about anywhere.

 

Daniel considered his destination.  Where would he go?  Setting up, he pulled the duffle bag over to him and rummaged through it.  Thank God!  He had his passport too.  Looks like he was heading to Canada.  He always heard that Vancouver was beautiful.  He could lose himself there.  Big city, lots of places to hide out.

 

First things first.  He had to figure out how to get out of the house without Janet knowing.  He listened to her humming in the kitchen, happily oblivious to her awake and scheming charge.  He almost felt bad for trying to figure how to trick her.  She’d always been a very good friend.

 

Footsteps grew louder as he was brought back to the here and now. 

Stuffing his wallet and passport under his pillow, Daniel curled up

on the bed and waited for her to knock.  When he didn’t answer her

gentle rapping on the door, she peeked in to see that he was awake. 

It broke her heart at how defeated Daniel looked.

 

Janet smiled at him, “Hi, Daniel.  Guess you’re kinda surprise to see

me here, huh?”

 

Daniel merely nodded.

 

When he looked up she saw a bruise forming on his right temple and sat next to him to see if he was okay, “Daniel,” she said in her doctor voice, “what did you do?”

 

He shrugged and pulled his head away from her hand.  It wasn’t too bad, so she let it drop.  But when she saw the scratch marks and picked scabs that were weeping blood, Janet let out an exasperated sigh.  However, she was there as his friend, not his doctor.  She took some tissues from his nightstand and wiped the wounds gently.

 

“Well, I hope I don’t disappoint you too much.  The Colonel and SG-1 were called away off-world.  Shouldn’t be gone for long, though.  So… you’re stuck with me.”

 

He shrugged his shoulders.  He didn’t care anymore who was with him.  His mind was made up.

 

“Where’s your splint, Daniel?  You shouldn’t take it off except for showers.”

 

He pointed to the corner of the room where he had tossed it.  After retrieving the splint, Janet had him sit up and put it back on his healing hand. 

 

With another soft smile, she asked, “Why don’t you put some sweats on and come out to the kitchen.  Are you hungry?  I have some Chinese food coming.  Should be here pretty soon.”

 

“Sure.” Daniel said softly, standing and putting his sweatpants on, and followed her out.

 

As soon as they made to the kitchen, the doorbell rang.  Janet went to collect their dinner and Daniel sat down.  She placed the box full to bursting on the table and he raised his eyebrows at her.

 

“’hink ‘hak’s e’ough?” <Think that’s enough?>

 

Janet looked at him confused, “I’m sorry?”

 

Closing his eyes, and concentrating his hardest, he asked again, “th…ink thaaat’s ee…enough?”

 

“OH… sorry,” she said with a slight blush.  “I wasn’t sure how hungry you’d be, so I ordered… well, a lot.  And I have a special surprise for you after dinner.”

 

His brows shot up his forehead in surprise.  Doctor’s with gifts were always suspect in his book.  She just smiled and opened all the little boxes, pointing out what each item was.  Janet fetched plates and drinks for them, then sat down with him.  They ate for a while in silence.  Daniel was still trying to figure out how to run away.  Janet stealing glances at him, wondering what was going on inside his head.  She hoped that what she brought would help him with the pain and agony he was trying so hard to bury.

 

After they finish what they could, Daniel helped Janet to clean up and put the left-overs in the fridge.  They went into the living room and he sat in his corner of the couch, with Janet perched on the coffee table in front of him.

 

“Give me your hands, Daniel,” she said in a firm tone as she produced a fingernail clipper.

 

Daniel shook his head vehemently with a pout.

 

Janet gave him her no-nonsense doctor look and said, “I clip the fingernails or you get socks put on your hands.  And what I have as a surprise, you’re gonna need your fingers.  So, fork over the hands.”

 

As he grumbled in languages that Janet really didn’t need interpreted, she carefully cleaned the blood from under his nails and clipped them down.

 

“Not everyone gets to have their doctor give them a manicure.  You should count yourself as privileged,” Janet teased.

 

Daniel just growled at her, brows pulled low over his eyes.  She smiled while regaling him with all the comings and goings that had been going on at the base.  No matter how hard she tried to get him engage in the dialog, he wouldn’t play along.  When Janet finished with his hands, she cleaned the dried blood off his arms, and put Neosporin on the newer wounds.

 

Then she put all her doctoring things away and sat in front of him again, this time, with a wicked grin and a mischievous look.  He was now very suspicious.  She was acting more like a… well a friend, than a doctor.

 

“Now, Daniel,” she said conspiratorially, “what I have for you is not something that will go over very well in most circles, so this has to be our little secret.  Okay?”

 

Daniel’s eyebrows rose to the ceiling.  With slow and purposeful effort, he asked, “’an…et, wha’ do you… ppplll’an on doin’ ta’ me?”

 

“Nothing bad, I promise.  This is just to help you have an hour or two of peace from the demons that are haunting you.  It’ll help with the pain too.  Do you trust me?”

 

He considered her for a long moment.  She had always been there for him.  Always put him back together after every heinous thing that happened to him.  She’s dropped her busy life just to baby-sit him now.  Why would he not trust her?  He nodded his head with a curious grin.

 

“Good!  I have to set everything up first, then we will have a very good night together.”

 

Curiouser and curiouser.

 

Janet went to a box that she had by the front door and pulled out a myriad of candles and incense holders.  After lighting the candles and the long-perfumed sticks, she locked the door and pulled all the shades down.  Daniel followed her with wide eyes, trying to figure out what the hell she was up too.  The fragrance that wafted around the room reminded him of cold nights on Abydos.  He smiled at that warm memory.

 

Dimming all the lights, Janet turned the TV on and loaded a movie into the DVD player.  She disappeared into the kitchen again and a few seconds later, he could hear and smell popcorn.  When she came back into the living room, she handed him the snack and a Coke.  The TV drew his attentions when the music started, and he saw the movie she had brought was “The Wizard of Oz”.  However, she turned the sound from the TV off and placed a CD into Jack’s stereo system.  After she cued both the movie and the CD, Janet sat next to him on the couch and smiled.

 

“Ready?” she asked.

 

He nodded with his head cock to one side like a dog.  Then his eyes went as wide as they could, when she produced a marijuana joint out of her bag.

 

“This is for medicinal purposes.  Jack told me you were wound tighter than a fake Rolex and still having night-terrors.  This will help with both and any pain your ribs may be giving you.  I promise this will help.  Okay?”

 

With a wry grin on his face, he asked, “I take it… ‘ack knows ‘bout this… med’cal pro…cedure?”

 

The doctor blushed, “Not really.  This is just between you and me.  But I really think this will help you, Daniel.  There are tons of articles on the benefits of pot for people with PTSD and in pain.  All of them are good.  I’m not going to make you, but I strongly suggest you try it… at least tonight.  Are you willing?”

 

Daniel gave her a smirk and said, “’ight it up!”

 

Janet smiled and pulled a Bic out of her purse and lit the joint.  She took a long drag on it, held the smoke in for a few seconds, then released it.  “Do you know how to smoke this?”

 

“I gek ta idea,” he said and took the joint from her.  He took a small drag and coughed it out almost immediately, eyes watering.

 

“The first time is always hard.  Try again,” Janet said.

 

Daniel put the cigweed to his lips, and sucked in a long breath.  This time he was able to keep the smoke in.  When he let the air out, his eyes closed, and every tense muscle in his body relaxed.

 

“WOW!” he said when he opened his eyes.

 

He offered the joint back to Janet, but she shook her head, “Nope, that’s all for you.  I have to be the doctor now and make sure that everything stays okay.”

 

Daniel smiled, and took another hit as she started the movie and the CD at the same time.  He lifted an eyebrow, trying to figure out why she wasn’t playing the movie soundtrack.  Then he heard the haunting music begin.  At first, he couldn’t place it, but then Daniel realized it was Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” album.

 

Between the movie and the music, it didn’t take long for him to feel the effects of the pot.  In fact, it was the first time in months… maybe even since he’d be back alive, that he was chilled and stress-free.  The movie played on without his attention as he fell into the mood of the music.  The psychedelic sound had his mind floating away.  There was no more turmoil eating his soul.  He couldn’t see the faces of his tormentors anymore, only those of his friends… Jack first and foremost.   His warm brown eyes, smiling at him.  The scarred eyebrow, corking up with a gentle smirk.  His arms wrapped around Daniel, holding him tenderly.  Jack’s voice telling him that everything was going to be okay.  The feel of his lips caressing Daniel’s.

 

He was shocked when Janet turned the movie off.  He hadn’t even realized it was over.  She stood and held her hand out to him.

 

“Come on, Daniel,” she said as she pulled him from his chair, “let’s get you to bed.  No other medication for you tonight.”

 

As he stood up to follower her, he stopped and grabbed the bowl with the rest of the popcorn, taking it with him.

 

Daniel smiled at Janet’s expression, “hungry!”

 

“I bet you are!  Come on, nice and slow.  Don’t think I could pull you off the ground if you fell.”

 

“’anet…” he said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, “you’re da best!  Da most awesome doctor in da, da… universe!  No one else knows dis, but, I’ve had a t’ing for you for a long time.  I t’ink I’d take you in a heartbeat.  Even though you’re… well… nevermind.” 

 

He giggled at himself.  Janet hadn’t expected his speech to be more understandable while he was high, but damned if it was completely coherent.  She figured it was because he was relaxed and not fighting the natural use of his healing tongue. 

 

“That’s sweet, Daniel.  Thank you.”

 

Sitting him on his bed, she lifted his legs and shifted him into a prone position, pulling the covers up to his chest.  Lastly, she took his askew glasses off his nose and placed them on his bed stand.

 

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked while still holding her hand.

 

“Sure.”

 

“I’m gay,” he said softly.  Then his eyes opened wide at the realization of what he just said.  “I’ve never said that out loud before.”

 

“It’s a relief I bet,” Janet said as she held his hand.  “I want you to know, Daniel, that you being gay doesn’t bother me in the least.”

 

He smiled wistfully, as he considered his other secret.  “I’m in llllove wit’ someone.  But no’body can ever know, ‘cause it be bad.  But you’d da doctor, so you can’t tell, right?”  Janet nodded and he whispered, “It’s ‘ack… Jack.  Colonel Jona’fin fucking O’Neill… wit’ two L’s.  He is so hot!  ‘andsome, com… compassion…ate, and irritating as hell.  But I love him to death… and back!  Only, I can’t let anyone know.  He’d get into trouble, den he’d disown me.”

 

Janet smiled at him, “Oh, Daniel… believe me, he’d never disown you.  That’s why he wanted me to come and stay with you.  To make sure you were taken care of while he was gone.  He’s been very worried about you.”

 

Daniel looked up at her with amazement on his stoned face, “He is?  It not just an act?  But my dreams… da nigh’mares… he’s hated me.  Calls me names, turns his back on me.  Why?”

 

“Daniel, those are just nightmares.  He would never turn his back on you.  You have to believe that.  And between you and me, I think there might be more to his caring for you than you think.  Keep that in mind, when you start to hurt yourself.  You would be destroying him as well.”

 

Daniel shook his head sadly, eyes beginning to sting, “I don’t wanna hurt him, ‘anet.  I really love’em.  But… I can’t let’em as…accept my love ‘cause it would ruin his career,” his voice hitched and he let out a sob. “Wha’ the fuck can I do?  I need to leave.  I have to go away from him… so I don’t take’em down wiff me.  I’m a house of cards, ‘anet!  Wind blows and poof… I’m def’royed.  I can’t do ‘at ta him.  Everything I love gets taken ‘way.  Killed, snaked… ruined!”

 

He started to get up, but Janet placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back down.  “You are not a house of cards, Daniel.  And even if you were, Jack O’Neill would be able to keep you altogether.  Believe in his friendship and the love he has for you.  If you don’t remember anything else from tonight, remember that.”

 

Daniel squeezed his eyes closed, letting the tears escape.  When he opened them, he reached under his pillow and pulled his wallet and passport out, handing them to her.

 

“I was gonna try an’ run ‘way while you were here.  I’m sorry.  Take t’ese away, please, so I can’t go.”

 

Janet was only slightly surprised.  Jack had warned her that Daniel could be very sneaky when he wanted to be.  And that he was worried about the fact that he had to go into work, leaving his friend in the fragile state that he was in.  She took the offered items and patted his head soothingly.

 

“Go to sleep, Daniel.  I’m sure that things will be okay.  You have a lot of friends and support around you.”

 

He nodded and drifted off to sleep.  Janet stayed with him until his breathe was even and deep, knowing he was truly asleep.