Chapter Four: Way Down We Go

 

Jack opened the door with a relived sigh.  “Janet,” he said, “I’m glad you could come so soon.”

 

“What happened?” she asked in a no-nonsense tone.

 

“His nightmares are really getting bad,” he told her as he ushered her into the house.  “This last one had him tossing his cookies and I was afraid he would choke to death, so I cut the wires out.  He can barely breath sometimes after a dream.  I hate using so many sedatives on him, but it’s the only time he actually sleeps.”

 

The doctor sighed heavily and said, “I was afraid of that.  I called the oral surgeon on my way here and he said that if we bring him to the hospital he would be able to put a plate on the brake so that his mouth doesn’t need to be wired.  I’m thinking that would be the best for Daniel.”

 

“Will he be in the hospital for very long?” Jack asked.

 

“A few days.”

 

“Do you think he’ll be okay there?”

 

Janet leveled a hard gaze at him, “Has he tried anything?”

 

“No, but I can see it in his eyes.  He’s a real mess, Doc.  I haven’t seen him like this since he was hooked on the sarcophagus and the Goa’uld light thing.”

 

“Outstanding!” Janet expressed with a mix of anger and worry.  “I’ll make sure to tell the nurses to have him on suicide watch.”

 

Jack looked at her somewhat surprised and said, “I don’t know if I’d go that far.  He’s just… I don’t know…”  He moved away for a moment and scrubbed his hand through his hair.  Turning back, he shrugged, “yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.” 

 

Janet patted him on the arm with a sympathetic look, “I know you don’t want to believe he could be like that, Colonel, but it’s better safe than sorry.  Let’s go and take a look at our patient.”

 

As they entered the room, Daniel was stirring awake.  When he saw Janet Fraiser, he groaned.

 

“Nice to see you, too!” she said with a smirk.  “Be nice to me, Dr.  Jackson, I come with good news.”

 

Painfully, he sat up and rubbed his eyes.  After placing his glasses on his nose, he tried to smile.  “I gek oo go home?” <I get to go home?> His words slurred but at least he could talk without his jaw wired shut.  It still hurt like hell to move it though.

 

“Why in god’s name are you so insistent in going back to that flee-bitten rooms-by-the-month hotel?  Don’t you like my place?” Jack pouted at him.

 

Janet rolled her eyes and opened her doctor bag, saying, “Sorry, Daniel, but we’re going to take you to the hospital…” she held up a hand to stop his tirade, “to have your jaw worked on.  We’re going to put a plate in and that way you won’t have to have it wired.  You’ll be able to eat, soft food still, and even talk a little better.  How’s that sound?”

 

He looked over to Jack and saw the grin on his face, he said, “’hak ‘oun’ goo’!  I ‘ike oo be abull oo ‘peak,” <That sounds good!  I like to be able to speak.> he grimaced at his inarticulate speech.  “Whe’ oo we go?” <When do we go?> Daniel asked.

 

Jack interpreted for the doctor when she looked uncertain with what the linguist said. 

 

Nodded her head, Janet pulled out her penlight and a tongue depressor, “After I give you a quick once-over.  Open up.”

 

He opened his mouth as far as he could without pain overwhelming him.  Daniel fisted the blanket trying to keep from letting the renewed nausea cause dry heaves.

 

“Well, your tongue looks like it’s healing rather nicely.  I’m sure that Dr.  Dames will be happy.  He did the initial work on your mouth and will be doing this surgery as well.  When the swelling goes down some more, I’m sure your speech will improve.”

 

“Will I be abull oo ‘alk ‘ike’ ‘oomal whe’ ‘hif’f he’oh?” <Will I be able to talk like normal when it’s healed?>

 

Janet looked down for a moment after Jack relayed the question.  She didn’t want to crush his hopes.  “Daniel,” she said in a soft voice, “with an injury like this, it’s very rare for full use of the tongue to come back.  You will have to see a speech therapist to recover some of the harder sounds, but you will be able to talk.”

 

Daniel’s shoulders slumped and he dropped his head.  How the hell was he supposed to function as a linguist without his tongue working properly?  Just one more thing to add to his list of reasons why he just didn’t matter anymore.  Why would they even need him on SG-1?  At least if he was in the hospital, he may be able to sneak out and go home the consider his increasingly narrowing options.

 

Seeing his reaction, Janet tried to cheer him up.  “On the brighter side, when we get to the hospital, we’ll take this huge cast off your arm and fit a more mobile splint-cast on.  You may be able to write a little then.”

 

With a weary sigh, he tried to smile.  “Grea’,” <Great> he said softly.  That would make typing on the laptop a bit easier.

 

Janet began to feel around his ribs, making him groan in pain.

 

“Sorry, Daniel,” she murmured.  “the swelling has gone down.  It’ll be sore for a long time though.  I know you’ve been down this road before.  Why don’t you get dressed and we will go to the hospital when you’re ready, okay?”

 

Janet left the room and Jack helped his wounded friend to stand.  He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a button-down shirt and helped him dress.  With Jack’s arm around his waist, they moved into the living room.  He draped Daniel’s jacket over his shoulders and the three of them went out to Jack’s truck.

 

The ride to the Academy hospital was quiet.  Only Jack and Dr. Frasier spoke.  Daniel watched out the window, debating on how to extract himself from the hospital without anyone seeing him.  He was glad to be out of Jack’s house, not really wanting to cause any more pain for him to live through.

 

Was he being selfish?  Daniel knew that they would be disappointed in him, but the pain was just too much to bare anymore.  He was tired.  Tired of the fight, the nightmares, the heartaches.  Even though Jack seemed to be okay with his confession, there was still a needling voice inside that didn’t believe the military man.  Jack was a hardnosed, career soldier.  Same as the boys that raped Daniel in the shower of the high school.  There could be no way Jack was actually okay with a faggot lusting after him!

 

Because that was what he was… a faggot.  A cock jockey, a flaming twink.  Something that was akin to dog shit on the bottom of a shoe.  And what do you do with that?  You toss the shoes.  Will Jack do that to him when the crisis was over?  Just toss him aside?  He has before.  Back when things weren’t good between them.  Before he ascended.

 

The truck came to a stop startling the archeologist.  He was so deep in thought he hadn’t realized they were already on the campus.  Jack was out of the truck and around to help him.  Janet was in the vestibule too bring him a wheelchair.  Daniel rolled his eyes, but sat down.  He didn’t pay any attention to what was going on around him.  He couldn’t care less.  He just wanted to be left alone.

 

“Daniel,” Janet’s voice filtered into his distracted mind, “This is Dr.  Dames, he’ll be doing your surgery.”

 

He nodded once.  The guy was older then Jack and had a kind expression.  However, as the man droned on about the surgery, Daniel’s thoughts were elsewhere.  He didn’t really care what was going to be done to him.  It wouldn’t matter in the long run.

 

Jack and Janet got him settled in his room as the nurse came in to start an I.V.  The others chatted for a while as his cast was being cut off.  They must have put a sedative in the drip, as Daniel felt his eyes drift closed.  The last thing he remembered was Jack squeezing his hand comfortingly.

 

***

 

Two Days Later

 

The surgery was a success and Daniel could open and close his mouth with minimal pain.  His arm was still in a sling, but he could move more.  Janet had dropped by to let him know that he didn’t need the ice packs on his groin any longer and that he seemed to be healing nicely down there.

 

Jack had hoped that all this good news would help his friend to start healing mentally and emotionally, but that wasn’t the case.  Daniel was still not talking much and would flinch if someone other than Jack touched him.  He still wouldn’t look anyone in the eye.  On top of that, he had started to continually scratch at his arms until they bled.

 

At night when no one was around, Daniel worked on his speech.  Some of the sounds were better, but it still made him cringe.  Most of the time he couldn’t even understand himself.  He had no idea how Jack was able to decipher what he said.

 

The day he was going to be released from the hospital back into Jack’s care, Daniel heard the older man and Frasier talking when they thought he was asleep.

 

“Colonel, we need to talk with Daniel,” Janet said softly.  “I really think that he should be taken up to the psychiatric ward.  I’m very concerned with his withdrawal and now the self-harm.  He needs to be under professional help.”

 

Jack let out a long breath, closed his eyes and scrubbed his hands over his tired face.  He didn’t want to do that to Daniel.  He knew how the archeologist felt about psychiatrists.  He also couldn’t get rid of the images of Daniel in the white rubber room, strung out on drugs.

 

“I don’t know, Doc,” he said, “last time we had him committed was a complete disaster and not his fault.  I really don’t think he will agree to it.”

 

“I’m not talking about sending him to a mental hospital, sir.  The psychiatric ward here in the hospital is a nice wing.  The patients can walk around and interact with each other.  They have group sessions and individual treatment.  They don’t administer a lot of drugs…”

 

“A lot of drugs,” Jack interrupted her, “but some.  You know how he feels about that!”

 

“I also know that he is in desperate need of help, Jack!  And the meds will regulate his emotions enough to let him begin to think straight again.  Right now, he’s not.  You know I’m right.  And I know, that if you tell him that you agree, he will be more likely to go along.  He relies on you to keep him grounded… safe.”

 

Daniel hoped that Jack would disagree and take him home.  He didn’t want to be locked up again.  With his eyes still closed, he tried to will Jack to tell her ‘no’.

 

Just say no, Jack.  Just say no!

 

O’Neill sighed again, then answered, “Yeah, you’re right.  He’s gonna be pissed, that’s for sure.”

 

It took every ounce of Daniel’s self-control not to scream at them.  He felt his spirit plummet into the depths, never to be seen again.

 

“We aren’t his family; can we commit him?” Jack asked.

 

“He’s under the command of the SGC, all civilians had to sign a release to have medical care, both physical and mental, ordered by the CMO… me.  I can sign him in, but please, Colonel, I would rather have him sign himself in.  It’s is for his own good.

 

“You look completely drained, Jack.  Why don’t you go and get something to eat while he’s sleeping?  We can talk with him together when you get back.  Okay?”

 

Nodding his head, both left the doorway of Daniel’s room, never knowing that he had heard the whole conversation.  When the footsteps disappeared, Daniel opened his eyes.  It was now or never.  He knew that the psyche ward was a locked down wing and he would never be able to get out then.  He had watched the comings and goings of the staff for the last two days and knew the routine.  It was almost time for a shift change and he would be able to get out during the hustle and bustle of the nurses, without being seen… he hoped.

 

Throwing off the blankets, Daniel carefully disengaged his IV, got out of bed and grabbed his sweatpants, putting them on hurriedly.  Picking up his glasses, he went to the door and peered out.  The hallway was busy, like he expected, and it was relatively easy for him to slip out and to the stairwell.  Daniel knew he had to hurry.  Jack wouldn’t stay gone for long.  He paused for a moment, considering going up or down.  Down would be the way most run-aways would go, so he went up.  This was a tall enough building, and there would be access to the roof where the medi-evac choppers landed.

 

Reaching the top, Daniel paused to catch his breath.  Reading that an alarm would sound when the door was opened, he had to be completely sure he was going to do this, because he wouldn’t have time to stop before someone showed up.

 

“CODE GREEN” the hospital overhead paging system announced suddenly, “CODE GREEN: HOSPITAL LOCK DOWN INITIATED”

 

Daniel didn’t know what a code green was, but he figured it was about him.  Decision made, he opened the roof door and darted out.  The alarms were deafening.  He ran to the edge of the building and jumped onto the ledge, but then stopped.  Looking down, a wave of vertigo threatened to have him puke.  It was windy and cold.  The clouds had just started to release fat, fluffy snowflakes.  He shivered in his light-weight hospital gown.  Heart pumping, Daniel closed his eyes and shuffled forward, letting his bare toes curl over the edge.  It was time.  Time to make the pain stop for good.  Time to release his friends of the burden of his existence.  Images began to swirl around his mind.  His parents and grandfather.  Sam and Teal’c.  Hammond and Janet.  Jack.

 

He was going to leave them with questions.  Why hadn’t they seen this side of him?  Why couldn’t they do anything to help him?

 

Then the faces of the men that beat him in the parking lot.  The hate of the high school football players.  The university frat boys that would attack him just for the hell of it.  Just because he was gay.

 

The faces of Apophis, Amaunet, Hathor, Osiris, Ba’al and Anubis   The faces of all his family and friends on Abydos… those he couldn’t save from being destroyed.  Sha’re and Sarah and Reese.  So many that he couldn’t save from the evils all round them.

 

With a long exhale, he held his one arm out to the side, and began to lean forward.  At the last minute, he felt strong arms round his waist, holding him back.  His eyes snapped open.

 

“Please don’t do this, Daniel,” Jack’s voice was soft, not angry or panicked.  Just a pleading tone.  “I need you, Danny.  Don’t leave me like this.  Please.”

 

“’ek me go, ‘ack.  You will be be’er off wiffou’ me aroun’,” <Let me go, Jack.  You will be better off without me around,> he said, not looking at the man.

 

“We already tried that, Danny.  For a whole year.  I let you go then, I’m not gonna do it this time.  It was a mistake then, and it’ll be a mistake now.  One that you won’t be able to come back from.”

 

Tears streamed down his face, “I cam’k oo ‘hif a’ymore.  I ‘on’k wah’ oo ‘hak you ‘own wiff me.  You or ‘am or ‘eal’c.  I if’roy eve’y’hing an’ eve’yo’e I ‘ove.  P’ees ‘on’k ‘ek me oo ‘hak oo you oo.  ‘ek me go.” <I can’t do it anymore.  I don’t want to take you down with me.  You or Sam or Teal’c.  I destroy everything and everyone I love.  Please don’t let me do that to you too.  Let me go.”

 

Jack moved closer to him, hugging him now and carefully pulling him away from the edge.  “You killing yourself will destroy me, Daniel.  You can’t leave me alone.  I need you.  We can get through this… together.”

 

“Bu’ you ‘on’k wah’ oo oo ‘hif ‘oge’her, you wah’ oo ‘ock me up in a iych war’.  I hear’ you!” <But you don’t want to do it together, you want to lock me up in a psych ward.  I heard you!>

 

“I only want you to stay there until you’re thinking a little more clearly.  Until you can see that this is not the solution.  Then you and I can work through all the rest together.  I promise, I will never leave you, Danny.  No matter what.  But if you do this, I can’t keep that promise.”

 

Daniel heard other people gathering around behind him now.  He knew it was the hospital security personal.  If he tried to jump now, he’d be taking his best friend with him.  The person he loved most in this world. That wasn’t his plan.  He never wanted to hurt Jack.  Slumping into the other man’s arms, Daniel backed off the ledge and crumpled to the ground, never letting Jack go.  Huddling in the solid arms of his friend, Daniel wept bitter tears.  He couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t jump fast enough.  Jack had pulled him back from the edge yet again.  Maybe… just maybe, he really didn’t want to die.

 

Janet was beside them, throwing a warm blanket around Daniel’s shoulders.  He glanced up and saw tears seeping from her eyes.  That stabbed him in the heart.  What was he thinking?  How could he make his pseudo-family live though his death again?  And so soon after he returned.

 

“Jack, help me, pl’ees, help me!”

 

“I’m going too, Danny!  I’m going too!” he whispered as he carded his hand through the younger man’s hair.  “We’ll get through this…”

 

***

 

Daniel signed himself into the behavioral health ward of the Academy hospital for a one-week evaluation.  He spent his first night curled up on his bed.  He wouldn’t eat, and fought them about the medication they were going to start him on.  His combativeness had him on 24-hour constant watch.  He couldn’t even go to the bathroom without leaving the door open.  One of the nurses that was assigned to him was very patient.  He was kind and willing to take the glares and the refusals that Daniel would send his way.

 

His name was Drew Ritter and he was a considerate, warmhearted guy.  Even though he was in the Air Force, he disclosed to Daniel that he was gay.  He didn’t really care about DA/DT, he’d have a job regardless of the military.  He took Daniel under his wing, seeming to know how hard it was for him.  It took two days, but Drew finally got him to cooperate with the rules.   Daniel started taking his meds and joined the rest of the patients for meal times and group meetings.

 

He would still grumble all the way, but he knew if he wanted to get out of there and back to Jack’s house, he needed to get with the program.

 

And it was a program.  Every hour was accounted for.  Group meetings, single therapy, a few downtimes here and there.  He was lucky to have a room to himself.  Drew encouraged him to start a journal of his feelings about being there.  So, during the downtimes, he would write in the solitude of his room;

 

I feel jumpy.  Still can’t sleep through the night.  The dreams are getting

worse and now I don’t even have Jack to help me afterward.  Then again,

I don’t deserve to have him help me.  I’m sub-human.  Stupid, whiny and

a thorn in the side of my friends.  I am a numb nothing.  I want to feel

more than misery.  Right now, I’m a stranger in my own head.  Is there

even a chance at being happy again?  Hell, I don’t even remember the last

time I was happy.

 

People should stay away from me.  The other academics gave me a label:

Patient Zero.  Anyone that would even consider my hypothesis would be

blackballed.  No one in the field of Archeology would be seen with me. 

That was before Catherine whisked me away to the Stargate program. 

 

I’ve started to scratch at my arms.  It’s not just because of the cast,

I’m just not comfortable in my own skin anymore.  I want to rip it off…

put a different one on.  A better one. A straight one.

 

Blood is caked under my fingernails.  Drew would clean the raw skin and

wrap them up.  He’s a good guy.  Sits with me when I start to scratch. 

He would hold my hand, or give me something to do to keep me from itching.

 

I used to do this when I was a kid.  Anytime the foster home was chaotic

and I was scared.  Thought I was over that.  Jesus, I’m coming up on my 40’s.

 

 I confessed my orientation and love for Jack, tried to jump off the roof of

the hospital and now I’m self-mutilating again.  I guess this was an appropriate punishment the Ancients inflicted on me… too come back to the mortal plain

and have all my demons resurface.

 

God, I want outta here!

 

***

 

Jack would come to see Daniel every day.  He even sat in on a couple of his group meetings.  He worried because the linguist would never say a word in the groups.  He would just sit, arms wrapped around his chest and look at the floor.  No matter how many direct questions the leaders would ask, Daniel wouldn’t play along.  He was starting to worry that his friend was slipping further away. 

 

At the end of his one-week hold, the doctor caring for Daniel pulled Jack aside.  The colonel raised an eyebrow at him, then followed the doctor into his office.  Daniel had signed his care over to Jack when he entered the program, knowing that his friend and team leader would make good choices for his wellbeing.

 

“Colonel,” Dr. Baldwin said as he closed his office door, “I would like to keep Dr. Jackson here another week.”

 

“What?  Why?” O’Neill asked sharply.

 

“He’s not cooperating.  Hasn’t joined in any of the groups and is very reluctant to talk in individual therapy.  I don’t feel that he has done enough participating in his recovery.  I’ve started him on some new meds and hope that they will help him along,” the older man said with a firm voice.

 

Jack closed his eyes and tried to breath deep.  He knew this was going to happen, but he still didn’t like it.  “What meds are you giving him and for what?”

 

The doctor opened Daniel’s folder, “Seroquel, it’s an antipsychotic that we give patients with bipolar and major depression disorder.  Lexipro for his general anxiety disorder.  Lorazepam for when he is in a manic state, and Zolpidem to help him sleep.”

 

“That’s a lot of meds, Doc.  You don’t think he’s bipolar, do you?” Jack asked. 

 

“Yes, he shows the typical signs of bipolar.  When I told him that, it was the only time I actually heard him speak.  I won’t repeat what he said though.”

 

Jack inwardly laughed.  Leave it to Daniel to piss off the guy that’s trying to help.  He wasn’t too sure about these disorders though.  Sounded more like the doctor was getting kick-backs from the pharmaceutical companies. 

 

“Is he on the Zolpidem because he’s still having nightmares?”

 

“Yes, bad ones.  He wakes screaming for you.  Seems the only one that can get him to settle down is Drew,” he replied then leveled a hard gaze at the other man.  “Is there something you want to tell me, Colonel?  Something going on between you and Dr. Jackson?”

 

Jack didn’t like this guy the moment he set eyes on him.  He looked about 110 years old, had a deep southern accent, and an office full of religious propaganda.  His tone was accusing and his attitude was transparent.  No wonder he never made it past Captain.

 

Leaning forward, a stony expression on his face, Jack replied in a tight voice, “I am his C.O. and best friend.  We’ve been to hell and back, quite literally, and rely on each other heavily.  And I don’t like what you may be implying.”

 

With a thin smile, Dr.  Baldwin said, “I apologize, sir.  My only thoughts are for Dr. Jackson’s mental wellbeing.  I’m just not sure if you presence here every day is conducive to his getting better.”

 

“And why wouldn’t it be, Captain?” Jack asked, throwing in the other man’s rank instead of his honorific, to emphasis his point.

 

Closing Daniel’s folder and tapping it on the desk bought him a few seconds to consider his reply.  “I believe that he may be depending on you for too much, Colonel.  And his… affection for you seems somewhat… askew.  Now,” he held up a finger to stop Jack from retorting, “I’m not asking and you don’t have to tell, but Dr. Jackson is a civilian on a military combat team.  His… proclivities may in fact have to be reported for the sake of the soldiers he works with.”

 

Jack sat looking at the other man, his lips thin and tight.  Slowly, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed.  With exaggerated movements, he waited for the voice to answer.  “Dr. Frasier, it’s Colonel O’Neill.  I’m sitting in Dr. Baldwin’s office and I have to say, I don’t like him.  As we discussed when Daniel signed into this place, that if I didn’t feel it was working, we could sign him out.  Will you please fix it so that Daniel will be released into my custody A-SAP?”  There was a pause and Jack was pleased to see the older man blanch.  “I understand, Dr. Fraiser and I will be more than happy to work with you on finding Daniel a suitable shrink.  In the meantime, I want him out of here!”

 

After another pause, Jack smiled and held the phone out to the Dr. Baldwin, “She would like to speak to you.”

 

The Captain took the offered phone “Dr. Fraiser?  Yes, I understand.  No, I don’t agree with this course of action… yes, Ma’am, I’ll have him released as soon as the paperwork gets here.  Yes, Doctor, Colonel O’Neill will have all of Dr. Jackson’s medicines and how they are to be taken.”

 

The chastised man handed the phone back and rose to retrieve the coming fax.  When he left the room, Jack said into the phone, “thanks, Janet.  The guy is just a little too old fashion in his beliefs.  I would like it if you could drop by tonight so we can all sit down and come to an agreement on how to proceed with our favorite linguist.  Sure thing… see ya then.”

 

A short time later, Daniel was clutching his laptop and a small bag of his belongings, waiting for Jack to finish signing the papers for his release.  He shifted one foot to the other in constant movement.  Drew, came by and gave him a hug.  He also slipped a business card to Daniel and whispered, “If you or the Colonel ever need me, I don’t live far.  I’d really like to get to know you better, Daniel.  And my boyfriend, Joey, may be able to help.  He’s a rape counselor and a good guy.”

 

Daniel looked at the card, eyes beginning to sting.  “T’ank oo, ‘rew.” <Thank you, Drew.>

 

Jack finished and turned to his friend, “Ready to get outta here?”

 

Daniel nodded with a small smile.

 

“I’ll walk you guys out,” Drew said and fell into step with them.  Once outside, he told Jack the same thing he had whispered to Daniel.

 

“I just wanted you to know also, sir, that they’re a lot of other people not happy with Dr. Baldwin’s stance on things.  He’s an old-school southern Bible-belt boy and doesn’t hide his distaste of other lifestyles.”

 

“Yeah kinda picked up on that.  Some guys just don’t know when to retire,” he said as he looked at Drew’s card.  “So, this Joey guy is a rape counselor?”

 

Drew smiled, “Yeah, that and hate crimes and other abuses that LGBT folks have to endure.  That’s how we met.”

 

With both men looking questioningly at the young man, he explained, “Shortly after I was transferred here, one of my bunkmates thought it’d be fun to read my journal.  He realized I was gay and had a nice surprise for me when we were on leave.  Of course, I could never prove it was him, because he had these four punks jump me.  I was in the hospital for eight days.  Beat the living shit outta me and raped me with a baseball bat.

 

“Joey happened by my room in the hospital just as I broke a mirror and tried to slit my wrist.  He stopped me, sat with me, and talked all night.  If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here.”

 

Jack felt Daniel move closer to him, quivering slightly.  The similarities between his attack and Drew’s were scary.  He wondered if maybe it was the same guys.

 

“How long ago did this happen, Drew?” Jack asked, “If you don’t mind my asking.”

 

Drew smiled at them, “It’s okay.  If my story helps, I don’t mind telling it.  Especially for Daniel, here.  It happened about a year ago, Joey took me under his wing and helped me through it all.  It was hardest when those assholes that jumped me got off on a technicality.  Twice victimized, Joey said.  But good things come from bad sometimes.  Joey and I are together now and helping others.

 

“I should let you guys get going.  I’m sure they’ll be lookin’ for me too.”

 

Drew gave Daniel another hug and a salute to O’Neill who brushed it aside to shake the man’s hand instead.  Jack opened the door and got his friend all situated and closed him in.

 

Just as Jack turned to walk to the driver’s side, Drew stopped him short when he said, “Ya’ know what’s funny about Joey and me, Colonel?  He wasn’t gay when he came to my rescue.  Still doesn’t really consider himself that way even now.  Mutual love, he says, doesn’t come with a binary label.  Love is fluid,” he flashed him a big smile and trotted off back into the building.

 

Jack, however, was left with a stunned face and a load of questions.

 

***

 

On the way back to his house, Jack had only two things on his mind.  Daniel and what Drew had said.  Daniel was more pressing though.  He looked over to his friend and studied his expression.  His eyes were still dull and his frown deep.  What was he going to have to do to get his Daniel back?  He had to make sure that he wouldn’t try to commit suicide again.

 

“Daniel,” he said softly, “you have to promise me something.”  He waited for some acknowledgement before he continued.  “Since I busted you outta lockdown, you have to promise me to take your meds the way you’re supposed to and not to try to kill yourself again.  Deal?”

 

The laptop opened and Daniel started typing.  “I promise to take the fucking pills, Jack.  And I won’t try to kill myself again at your house.”

 

O’Neill let out a short laugh, “Nice try, Danny!  I mean EVER, not just at my house.  You have to swear that you won’t EVER try it again.”

 

Daniel looked out the window for a long time.  He still felt like everyone would be better off if he was dead.  But Jack did get him away from that ‘prison’.  He owed him something for that alone.

 

“I won’t try and kill myself again, Jack,” he chewed on his lip for a few minutes.  “I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this.  With me.  Sorry I’m such a mess.”

 

“Hey, hey, hey…” Jack reached over and cupped his hand on the nap of Daniel’s neck, softly petting him, “Not a mess… just a little lost right now.  Kinda like I was when you rescued me.  Only fair that I get to do this for you now.”

 

Daniel turned red-rimmed eyes to him.  With a sad nod, he answered, “ok, ‘ack.  I won’k ‘ry again.  Promife.” <ok, Jack.  I won’t try again.  Promise.>

 

For the rest of the trip, Daniel slept while Jack considered his feelings.  Love is fluid.  He never thought of it that way before.  Could one be in love with someone of the same sex and not be a homosexual?  Could he have been one all his life and just not known it?  Maybe he had unconsciously suppressed those feelings because he had always known he wanted to be a fighter pilot in the Air Force.  Jack’s head was starting to ache.

 

At the stop light, he watched Daniel sleep fitfully.  The man was beautiful!  He cared deeply for him.  But was he ‘in love’ with him?  Could he even admit it if he was?

 

A horn honk startled him from his musings.

 

“Aw, Danny… what are you doing to me?”

 

***

 

As Jack pulled up to his driveway, he was met with a gaggle of people waiting for his and Daniel’s return.  Sam, Teal’c, Janet and even General Hammond stood patiently for the two men to get out of the truck.

 

“Was there a memo?” Jack asked as he unlocked his front door, Daniel glued to his side.

 

“No,” George said softly, “Just wanted to welcome Dr. Jackson home.  Thought we’d have a little sit-down together.”

 

That sounded ominous to Daniel.  At the moment, he was the only thing that would warrant a ‘sit-down’ with this particular group.  He nervously tried to disappear to his bedroom.  However, Janet was right there beside him.  The doctor very gently guided her patient out of the hall and back into the living room.  Janet tried to get him to sit.  Daniel conveyed the most confident look that he could muster and smiled before he shook his head.  He took up a guarded position in the corner of the room.  She smiled then and reluctantly left him where he felt protected.

 

He turned his attention on the group its self.  Daniel noticed Sam walking around the house with something in her hand.  She was taking readings of some sort.  He knew that in their position as a classified unit, she was probably searching the area for listing devices.  Sam nodded to the general once she finished her sweep of Colonel O’Neill’s house.  With the ok given, the general made the motion for everyone to have a seat.

 

Jack raised an eyebrow at Hammond, “General, why are we doing this so… covertly?”

 

George leaned forward and laced his finger together on his knees.  “The rumor mill has been working overtime on the base.  And, the NID has been snooping around.  Guess they have an informant in the police department.”

 

O’Neill groaned.  This really didn’t bode well for his friend.

 

Realization kicked in and almost knocked Daniel over.  This was not just a friendly sit-down after all.  This was a top-secret discussion and it was all about him.  At that moment, Daniel’s dread rose even higher, if that were possible.  He scanned the group and gauged how quickly he could get to the front door.  Lost in his scheming, he startled when his name was said.

 

“Now, Daniel,” George continued, “I don’t really care myself, but I need to quell the rumors.”

 

Jack jumped out of his chair, “If you are asking what I think you’re asking, you have no right too!!”

 

“Colonel!” the General said in a firm voice, “stand down.”

 

“I thought this was an ‘off the record’ meeting… sir,” Jack snarled at his superior officer.

 

“This is, Jack,” George said softly, “I’m just worried about the NID using faulty information against Daniel.  I’ve already had to quash his suicide attempt with the DOD.  The Oversite Committee wants to make sure that we are still working with someone of sound mind.  The NID wants to have Daniel’s personal files opened.  Seems they believe that his past is catching up to him.”

 

“Daniel IS of sound mind!!” Jack yelled, “why are they out to get him?  It wasn’t his fault he got attacked!!”

 

“This is ridiculous!” Sam shouted.  “Daniel has been through something that no one should have to endure!  And now they NID wants to have him separated from the SGC?  If it weren’t for him there would be no SGC!!”

 

“And that is precisely what the NID wants to happen.  If they can shut down the SGC, they would have all the control to do whatever they wanted with the Stargate,” Hammond said.  “And the Oversite Committee has sited everything that has happened to Dr. Jackson.  They’ve made it quite clear that they know of his previous two suicide attempts and think that they aren’t the only ones.  Just the ones we know about.  Also, the stint in the mental hospital, and the fact that he has died multiple times.  They believe that this latest attack, because it was on this planet, has proven that Dr. Jackson has been irrevocably compromised.

 

“I’ve been running interference, but they are beginning to put more pressure on the President to have Dr. Jackson removed from SG-1 at the very least.  As of right now, there is no way that Daniel can come back to work until a psychiatrist has thoroughly vetted him.  Now, I’ve at least finagled them into letting us pick the doctor that he would be going to.  That is why I’ve called this meeting.”

 

Daniel hid in the corner watching as tempers flared.  The volume rose inside the house enough that he wanted to cover his ears.  Suddenly, he felt his knees buckle, his lucidity wavered and his shaking began to grow with intensity.  He could feel the tension all around… pushing and smothering him.  He needed to sit down!  Daniel’s coordination was shot, with his shaking out of control, his legs barely held him up.

 

The strength of fear grew; it felt as if a noose had dropped around his neck and tightened as it restricted the air getting to his lungs.  He stumbled forward slowly, trying not to be noticed.  Daniel feared they would remember he was in the room with how loudly his breathing seemed to be.  He made his way slowly to the couch.  The scared man sat on the far end, away from the group.   He pulled a pillow to him and clung to it desperately. 

 

Daniel felt his anxiety increase as pressure pushed against his chest.  Again, he felt the clawing hands of his demons wrap around his throat.  Biting and gnawing at his flesh while they whispered disparaging words to him.  He closed his eyes and saw the reproachful look of faceless people.  Murmured sounds telling him he was no good.  He was causing all this strife for his friends.  Faggot.  Queer.  Worthless.  Sweat was running down his face.  He wiped it off and labored to school his features.  The last thing he wanted was to gain attention.  He needed to hide his fear the best that he could.

 

Teal’c looked over to Daniel and saw his leg bouncing up and down with such ferocity he was sure there would be a hole in the floor by evening’s end.  The younger man was hugging a pillow tightly and chewing on his lower lip.  He seemed so small to the Jaffa, all curled up in on himself.  The blue eyes were darting around restlessly, never settling on anything for longer than a second or two.

 

General Hammond rubbed a hand over his bald head in frustration.  He needed to get this meeting back on point.  “Look, nothing said here will leave this house.  Dr. Jackson… Daniel,” he amended with a smile, “we’re all friends here.  We are also very worried about your well-being.  Son, I must insist that you cooperate with us.  We have all come to let you know that we support you, and to find a suitable psychiatrist that you feel you could work with.”

 

Teal’c stood as Daniel began a low keening.  He said softly, “Daniel Jackson, are you well?”

 

“Of course, he’s well!” Jack shouted, his temper still right on the edge.  “He’s just had some… some…”

 

“O’Neill,” Teal’c’s voice low, “I merely wish to inquire how Daniel Jackson is coping with what has been said.”

 

Eyebrows raised high, Jack said, “Oh… okay.  Sorry.”

 

With a wry smile, he turned his gaze to Daniel.  When he saw the pillow, his friend was hiding behind moving in the same cadence as Daniel’s hand, he know the man was scratching!  Jack moved over and gently snatched the pillow from his friend.  “Danny!” he said in a weary voice.

 

Janet jumped up and went to Daniel.  “Colonel, get me a warm towel and some antiseptic!”

 

But Jack was kneeling by Daniel, holding his hands away from his arms.  Teal’c went to get the supplies Dr. Fraiser needed.

 

“Aw, Danny,” Jack said softly, trying to coax the man to look at him.  “We won’t let anything happen to you.  NID, Oversite Committee, hell the President can kiss my black ops ass for all I care.  We’re gonna get you some help and put this all behind us.  No one will take you away for the SGC or SG-1.  I promise.”

 

With a miserable voice, Daniel said, “You cam’k promife me ‘hak, ‘ack.” <You can’t promise me that, Jack.>

 

“No, I can’t,” the older man said, “but I can promise you that I will not leave your side.  If they try to get rid of you, they lose me too!”

 

“And me!” Sam said coming over to them.

 

“I will renounce my services as well, Daniel Jackson.”

 

Hammond smiled at his flagship team, “There will be a lot of openings at the SGC if you are removed, Dr. Jackson.  I will make sure the President knows that.  As long as you accept a psychiatrist this evening, I will inform the powers that be of your cooperation.  I will also let them know that as of tonight, you are merely on sabbatical to recover from the heinous attack that was perpetrated on this planet.  One that has no bearing on your ability to work at the SGC or on SG-1.”

 

“There you go, Daniel,” Janet said as she finished wrapping his arm.  “And, as you can clearly see, your friends are all around you and love you.  Including me.  I can be a doctor anywhere I want.”

 

With tears in his eyes, Daniel gave his friends a small smile.  He really didn’t deserve them.  But by god, he loved each and every one of them.

 

“’ek ‘ook ak ‘he ‘ocorf.”

 

Jack chuckled at the looks of utter confusion on everyone’s face.  “He said, ‘let’s look at the doctors’.”

 

Sam stared at her CO.  “How the hell do you do that?”

 

“I speak fluent Daniel,” Jack told her.

 

He watched his friends talking as papers were being spread for his perusal.  For the first time since his parents died, he felt safe.  The room seemed much brighter and easier with laughter. 

 

Daniel selected a female psychiatrist, thinking he would be more comfortable speaking with her about some of his issues.  He’d always been easier with women.  That decision made, General Hammond and Janet both left.  Sam and Teal’c stayed to chat with Jack and Daniel escaped to his room.

 

He sat on his bed and thought about what everyone had said.  With their help, maybe he would be able to get through this.  He just had to bear down and put his mind to it… like he had his whole life.  But this time, he had to face his demons instead of packing them away.  It was time to shed his past, and embrace the future.

 

He was under no delusion, however.  He knew it was going to be hard, and days were going to be bad for a while.  Daniel had a lot of baggage to work through.  His mind was still fighting with his heart.  If he could only stuff his homosexuality back into its box, he figured the rest would be manageable.  The question was, how to do that.  He was beaten up because they believed he was gay.   And if those punks could guess it, then Daniel wasn’t as far in the closet as he believed.

 

Maybe his love for Jack was showing more than before.  He was sure that no one else knew about that.  Neither Sam nor Teal’c had said anything about it to him.  He sure as hell wasn’t going to talk about it to the psychiatrist!  Maybe he’d talk to Drew.  Somethings just weren’t meant to be out in the open, as far as he was concerned.

 

Daniel was well on his way to sinking into his mire again.  He just couldn’t turn his brain off.  The more he thought about things, the more circular his thinking became.  Jack would tell him to shoot the hamster and break the wheel.  That had Daniel’s lips quirk up slightly.  But it wasn’t long before he was shaking and scratching again.  God, he hated himself sometimes!