Chapter Seven: The Sound of Clouds Crashing

 

The smell of coffee and toast tickled his nose.  Jack shifted in bed, reached out to find the space next to him empty.  That was a good thing.  It meant that Daniel was in the kitchen and not some burglar cooking himself breakfast.  He stretched contentedly with warm feelings of the night before.  Daniel had blown his mind as he blew his johnson.  If Jack had known how earth-shattering his friend could make that simple act, he would have partaken a hellava lot sooner!!

 

He heard footsteps approach and closed his eyes.  Daniel softly touched his shoulder, shaking it slightly.  When Jack opened his eyes, he was greeted with a plate of toast and eggs, and a hot mug of coffee, just the way he loved it.

 

“Mmmmmmm, morning, Danny,” he smiled and sat up.  “This is nice.  Breakfast in bed… to what do I owe this royal treatment?”

 

Daniel smiled shyly.  He shrugged, “’ust cause.”

 

“Mmm-hmm.”

 

Looking down at his hands, Daniel’s face grew pensive.  “Cause you didn’t kick me out last night.”

 

Jack looked startled.  With brows drawn low he asked, “What’da mean?  I’d never kick you out.  This is as much your home now as it is mine.”

 

Daniel shrugged again as he nibbled on his lip.  Jack handed him a piece of toast, “Here, Danny, nibble on this… it’s better for you.”

 

With a slight laugh, he took the offered bread.  They sat and ate together in companionable silence.  When Jack finished his eggs, he stretched again and moaned.

 

“I’ll let you get up,” Daniel said as he took the empty plate.

 

***

 

The days were slowly getting better for Daniel.  His sessions with Dr. Fleming and meetings with Joey had done him a world of good, even though he was completely drained afterwards.   His speech was back to normal, much to Dr. Frasier’s surprise.  Jack had to remind the good doctor that Daniel was always full of surprises!  General Hammond even sent him some work that he could do at home.  A few translations to occupy his time.  The linguist was ecstatic at having the distraction from all the other things going on in his life.

 

A winter storm hit full force, causing the two men to be house-bound for a few days.  Jack sat at the kitchen table reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder.  He was very surprised that no one ever saw the symptoms in Daniel before.  Then again, Danny was extremely good at hiding his own pain.  He read about the ‘shame of abandonment’ and how the authentic self is lost, fragmented, and repressed.  Daniel’s grandfather furthered those feeling’s in the young child by rejecting him outright.  He learned that BPD was the equivalent to a black-hole.  An abyss in between love and hate, a seemingly endless space of dark, dingy, determined self-destructive drudgery.

 

How could anyone live with such a hole in their soul, yet be responsible for such kindness and love for those around them?  Daniel was always showing people love and dignity that they deserved, but he could never accept in himself.  His compassion is what drew Teal’c to his side.  Daniel’s ability to forgive was one of the very things that made Jack love him so much.   Daniel’s abandonment created a gut-wrenching storm inside his heart that seemed to put out any flames of hope or love.  It then becomes Daniel himself, that kills any chance of being loved because he’s so afraid of being discarded again.

 

As Jack mulled this information over, he really began to see why his friend never liked getting close to anyone.  But he was close to Jack… wasn’t he?  Is that why Jack had to constantly reassure Daniel that he wouldn’t kick him out… or hate him?  He also knew that Daniel was struggling with accepting his homosexuality.  That alone could drive a person to irrationality… not being able to accept the love that by his very nature, was meant for his fulfillment in life.  Love begged for, but at the same time, chased away, all in the name of trying to repair the damage of his shattered youth.

 

Jack decided it was time for he and Daniel to have a serious conversation.  He glanced over to the man, hunched over a laptop, working on some strange scribbles.  He was sure that no matter what was said, it would have to be reaffirmed continuously.  Still, he had to start somewhere and knowing he would get resistance, Jack deployed: Operation Stoned Danny.

 

“Hey, Daniel,” Jack called to him from the kitchen.  “Let’s go for a walk.”

 

Daniel was in the living room working on a new translation when Jack yelled.  He slowly turned and looked at him with wide eyes.  “It’s snowing, Jack!  Hard!!”

 

“Yeah… so?”

 

“And it’s cold!” the desert born man whined.

 

“How long have you lived here?  Come on!  It’s beautiful outside.  We’ll be the first to make tracks in the snow,” he pleaded.

 

“That’s because everyone else is smart enough to stay inside.” Daniel retorted.

 

Jack grabbed their heavy coats and scarfs.  He went to the living room where Daniel was still bent over his laptop working.  He held the garments out with a sad-puppy pout.  “Come on, Danny!!  It’ll be fun!  When’s the last time you played in the snow?”

 

Daniel thought for a moment, “when I was ten!”

 

“See!” Jack crowed, “you’re long overdue!!”

 

Daniel rolled his eyes at him and let out a long sigh.  He stood up and took the offered coat.  He wasn’t going to tell Jack that when he was ten, his ‘playing’ in the snow consisted of his foster father making him shovel the two-car driveway and sidewalks in just a tee-shirt, jeans, and worn-out tennis shoes.  By the time he finished, he was half frozen and sick for two weeks.  Seeing the utter look of joy on Jack’s face made him want to give a little back for all he had done for him.

 

They stepped outside and Jack breathed in a long breathe.  With a huge grin, he took Daniel’s hand and lead him off the porch and into the winter wonderland.  The two men walked in the brisk air through the falling snow in peace for a long time.  Jack was working out his battle plans for the dreaded touchy-feely discussion.  It was going to be hard for both of them.  O’Neill’s weren’t big on emoting as a general rule.  He felt that with this nice cold walk in the beautiful snowy paradise would be a great starting point.  Get Daniel good and cold, take him home and light a blazing fire.  Then fix a hot mug of Irish cocoa, complete with the finest Irish whisky, bundle both of them in a nice warm afghan together and then light up the joint.  Should work perfectly!

 

Daniel was enjoying being out with Jack, even though he was freezing.  The snow falling were big, fluffy flakes that looked like Christmas card snapshots.  It was still and clear.  The air smelled of pine and fireplace smoke.  Suddenly, Daniel realized that Jack was humming a Christmas carol softly.  He smiled and moved closer to him.  Peaceful.  Everything was peaceful.  Jack put his arm around Daniel’s shoulders, snuggling as close as he could and still walk straight.

 

The two men veered off the trail into the woods.  Daniel wondered where they were going.  Jack came to a stop beside some trees with snow-heavy branches drooping low.  He backed his archeologist against a tree trunk and leaned in for a chaste kiss.  When he pulled back, Jack smiled… evilly.  Before Daniel could do anything, Jack jumped backward and pulled a tree branch down, dumping his friend in a mountain of snow.

 

“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!” Daniel screamed and sputtered.

 

Jack was laughing hysterically as the other man brushed the snow from his head, grumbling.  Daniel looked murderously at him.  Taking a big handful of the heavy, wet stuff, he chucked the snowball at Jack, hitting him square in the face.

 

“Oh-ho!” Jack said as he wiped his eyes clear, “think you’re gonna get away with that?”

 

Daniel grinned at him and took off running back towards the house.  Jack caught him with no trouble, tackling him to the ground.  The older man sat on top of Daniel and flexed his arms as if he just won the Mr. Universe contest.  Knowing he wouldn’t be able to dislodge the heavier man, Daniel did the only thing that would get Jack to move.

 

“Owwwww… my ribs… Jack!”

 

Jack flushed and scrambled off him right away.  “I’m sorry, Danny!! I forgot.”

 

Daniel dashed too his feet and took off again.

 

“You sneaky little bastard!!” Jack called as he bolted after the man.

 

By the time they got back to the house, both were panting hard.  Faces red with cold and exertion, they laughed as they brushed snow off each other.

 

“This was… mostly nice, Jack.  Thank you.” Daniel said with a coy smile.  He opened the door for Jack and as the older man passed, he grabbed the back of his coat and shirt, stuffing a handful of snow down them.

 

“AHHCH!  Daniel!!”

 

“I win.”

 

***

 

All snuggled under an afghan in front of the roaring fire, both men sipped at their cocoa.  Jack then produced one of the joints Janet had left him, and lit it up.  Taking a long drag, he passed the weed to Daniel.

 

“This is nice,” the younger man said after a few pulls on the smoke.  “But…”

 

“But?” Jack repeated, figuring that Daniel would guess he was up to something.

 

“I can’t help but think that you have a very big motive.  I mean, the walk, spiked cocoa and now this,” he said passing the joint back.

 

Jack took another long drag and held it for a while.  He had to step lightly with Daniel.  Even though things were starting to look up, he still yo-yoed emotionally at the drop of a hat. 

 

“Daniel,” Jack said softly, shifting in his seat to face him more, “I’ve been doing a lot of… soul searching.”

 

Daniel stiffened immediately.  Jack made sure he had a good hold of him.  He really didn’t want to be chasing the other man around the house.

 

“Now, don’t get all defensive.  This is something we have to talk about.”

 

“I’m getting kinda tired, Jjjjjjack…” Daniel said while trying to get up.  Jack pulled him into his arms and held him tightly.

 

“No, you’re staying right here and listening to me.  Here, have another drag.”

 

Reluctantly, he did, and settled into Jack’s embrace.

 

With a long drawn out breath, Jack started again, “I know that you love me.  Are IN love with me.  At first, I wasn’t real sure how I felt about that.  In total honesty, it kinda freaked me out a bit.”  Jack felt him stiffen and saw his expression guarded.  “I’m not gonna lie to you, Danny.  I’ve never… ever, thought of another man, you know… romantically.

 

“But, with you, it’s… I don’t know… it’s just… right,” Jack said as he took the offered joint back.  He could sense Daniel beginning to relax a little and pushed on.  “When you kiss me, it makes my toes curl.  I haven’t felt that way in a very long time!  My heart aches when you’re hurting.  I don’t feel complete without you by my side.  And the other night… when you sucked my brains out through my dick… God, Danny… Nirvana is attainable!”

 

Daniel let out a giggle.  “Blew your mind, did I?”

 

“Completely!!” he laughed.  “Look, I guess I just want to know if you’re willing to, you know, try to actually start a… a… thing… with me?”

 

Daniel shifted to look Jack in the eyes.  He raised his eyebrows, lips turned up slightly.  “A thing?  You mean a relationship?  With me?  But Jack, you’d be thrown out of the service.  I can’t do that to you.  That’s your whole life.  It’s who you are.”

 

“Like I told you before, I don’t care.  You are all I care about.  And I think that I may really be in love with you.  Truth be told, I’ve been in love with you for a long time and just never understood what I was feeling.  Daniel, I want to explore this with you,” Jack hugged him closer still, kissing the top of his head.  “I would love to have you as my ‘other half’… ‘significant other’… ‘snookums’… ‘space monkey’.

 

Daniel laughed softly and elbowed him in the ribs.  “I’m already your space monkey, Jack.  And snookums?  You call me that and you’ll never have another blow job by me again!”

 

“Ouch!  Okay, okay.  No snookums.  How about, ‘the object of my erection’?” he asked as he pulled Daniel’s hand down to his awakening dick.

 

With a sudden intake of air, the younger man closed his eyes and exhaled shakily.  “Jack… why are you doing this?   I’m not worth your career,” he told him in a whisper.  Daniel started to pull away, “I can’t… I can’t… Jack, please!  I don’t want to destroy you like I do everyone that’s ever been involved with me!”

 

“Who have you ever destroyed, Danny?”

 

With wide eyes, he turned in the arms of the man that held him.  Pulling his hand away, he held it up and counted off as he recited, “my parents, my grandfather, Sarah, Sha’re, Reese and those are only the ones you know about!”

 

Jack covered Daniel’s hand with his own, folding his fingers down.  “You really can’t count your parents or your grandfather.  You had absolutely no control of them.  And Reese?  Come on, Daniel… I kind’a had something to do with that!  As for the rest, none of these people would ever blame you for what happened to them. 

 

“Daniel, you are a very special person.  Someone that I want to love, but you have to let your guard down some.  Please, Danny.  Let me love you.  Let me be in love with you.”

 

Jack worried that he would try and run from his offer and was ready for it.  He wrapped his hand around the back of Daniel’s neck and brought him close.  “I’m gonna kiss you, Dr. Jackson.”

 

And that he did.  The kiss deepened as Daniel opened to the insistent tongue of his friend.  He moaned into Jack’s mouth, relishing the skill of the kiss.  When they broke apart, Jack stood and held out his hand to Daniel.

 

“Come on, let’s go to bed.”

 

Still breathless from the kiss, Daniel merely took the offered hand and followed along.  When they reached the bedroom, Jack turned and enveloped the younger man in a fierce embrace.  He began to strip all the distracting clothing from his friend’s body.  When Daniel was down to his boxers, Jack shucked off his outer clothes also, then guided the willing man backwards to the bed.

 

Jack covered his new lover’s lips, kissing them hard.  Hands roved over the pliant shoulders pushing him to the mattress.  Daniel willingly laid back, enjoying the feel of Jack’s strong hands directing him.  They began to wrestle each other for leverage as Daniel started to participate.  Each rolling the other, trying for the top position.

 

Jack won pinning him to the mattress.  Daniel began to panic, feeling trapped.

 

“Noooo!” he croaked out, starting to fight the other man off.

 

Jack pulled away slightly and looked deep into his eyes.  “It’s just me, Danny.  Not gonna hurt you.  Okay?”  He waited for Daniel’s breathing to calm.  When he nodded, Jack smiled, “Just gonna love on you.”

 

Jack slowly bent down and kissed his nose.  Then he kissed both eyes.  When he leaned back, he got a seductive smile and took full advantage of the consent.  He began an assault down his lover’s throat, kissing and nipping the soft skin.  He treasured the noises Daniel was making as he continued down the smooth chest.  Sucking a hard nipple into his mouth, he lavished and gently bit the hard point.

 

“Gggaaaahhh!” Daniel groaned deep in his throat.  “J, JJJJack…”

 

“Shut up, Danny,” he murmured not unkindly, “enjoy this as much as I am!”

 

Jack moved further down the lean body, following his tongue, which seemed to have grown a mind of its own.  When he reached Daniel’s navel, he paused to investigate the small dip.  Jack could feel the man below him groan with pleasure and realized his semi-hard cock was now achingly hard.

 

Jack had never done this before.  At least with another man.  How different could it be?  The human body, male or female, had the same nervous system.  The same need to be touched and caressed.  People were people.  Just because he was a man and the person under him was also, didn’t mean that the act of loving was that big a difference.

 

Daniel’s taste, however was different than a woman’s.  Unbelievably sweet and enticing.  The musky smell had his Jack’s head swimming against a torrent whirlpool.  This was much more tantalizing then he ever expected.  Maybe, it was only because this was Daniel, but something seemed to have clicked into place inside of him.

 

Jack continued to follow the blonde happy path down to the waistband of Daniel’s boxers.  With one finger, he pulled the cloth up and over a very erect member, setting it free.  A gasp escaped, eyes wide and mouth watered, Jack licked his lips with wanton desire.  Daniel was long and thick.  The kind of cock any man would be proud of.  The slight moisture on the tip of the crowning head, called to Jack.  He knew all the moves that made him squirm with desire and used that information to pleasure his captive.

 

Placing a kiss on the head of the straining dick, Jack sucked it into his hot mouth.  He pressed his tongue into the slit, eliciting a strangled yelp for Daniel.  That spurred Jack onward.  He pulled the rest of the weeping cock into his mouth, gagging slightly.  He relaxed his throat muscles and tried again.  The taste was wonderful.  The smell intoxicating.  This was Daniel!  His best friend and most cherished person in all the universe.  He let out a groan of his own as the worked the member with more fervor.

 

“Jjjjjjjjack!!” Daniel cried out, fisting the blankets ruthlessly, “I’m cl…clllose!”

 

Jack merely moaned and continued to pull, lick, suck and fondle the throbbing cock.  With his other hand, he began to pleasure himself in time with his oral assault on the man beneath him.  When he wrapped his hand around the heavy sac below, he felt Daniel thrust and release his load.  At first, Jack choked at the invading, bitter fluid as it shot down his throat with all the force of a F-16 taking off.  He quickly became accustomed to the feeling, he found it the most earth-shattering taste he had ever known.  He was drinking Daniel into his very soul.  Not wanting to miss a single drop, Jack licked every last pearly-white drop off the softening member.  A mere moment later, he also came.

 

“Oh, god!  Oh, god!” Daniel panted.  “J… Jjjack…”

 

“Pretty fantastic, eh?” he smugly said as he crawled back up Daniel to lay beside him.  “Not too bad for my first time giving a blowjob!”

 

Daniel had a hard time even opening his eyes, as he tried to get his breathing under control.  Jack had just given him something more precious than all the gold in a Goa’uld mothership.  He couldn’t help the tears as they began to slide silently down his cheeks.  Jack turned to look at him and grew anxious.

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said, shifting onto his side, propping up his head on his hand.  He reached over and wiped a tear away with his thumb.  “It wasn’t good?”

 

Daniel shook his head and scrubbed a hand over his face, embarrassed.  “It was the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done, Jack.  It was also my first time.”

 

Jack was dumbfounded, “You… you’re first blowjob, Danny?  Are you serious?  What about that year with Sha’re?”

 

Daniel snorted a laugh, “She thought that even touching my penis outside of making love was a sin.  They had pretty strict hang-ups about sex.  Women weren’t allowed to openly look at a man naked.  Not even their husbands.  Sex was only for making babies.  If a man needed release, it was by his own hand in a hut behind the village or with an unwed young man.  Sex with one’s wife, well, it was very… clinical.”

 

Jack leaned down and kissed his shoulder.  “Wow!  I wouldn’t have ever thought that after Kasuf just gave her to you.  I thought desert tribes were more, I don’t know, open minded.”

 

“Some are.  I think it was more a rule from Ra so they wouldn’t grow in numbers to overthrow him, like what happened here.”

 

The older man nodded.  That made perfect Goa’uld sense.

 

“I know what happened with Steven, but none of the girls you were with gave you head?” 

 

“No, Sarah was the only other person I ever had sex with.  And according to her, I wasn’t very good at it.”

 

“Ouch!  That hurts,” Jack sympathized.  “Guess we’re just going to have to work this out on our own.  Find a few websites, a couple bottles of wine, and we’re good.”

 

Daniel closed his eyes again, letting out a soft sob, “No, Jack.  This has to be the only time.  I don’t want to lose you.  Every person I ever get involved with ends up dead… or snaked.  And if the military finds out you’re banging a guy, they’d force you out.  Jack, you gotta understand… I’m cursed when it comes to others loving me.  Bad things happen.  I’m not worth it.”

 

Jack took hold of Daniel’s chin and turned his head to face him.  “Daniel, open your eyes.”  When the other man did, he kissed him softly.  “You are worth all the love in the universe, Danny.  And you deserve to be loved.  Please, let me be the one to show you how wonderful you really are.  How important and special.  I would rather spend the rest of my life making love to you, spoiling you, than spend another moment in the military.  If it takes me retiring to prove to you that I’m serious, then I’ll call the general tomorrow and put my papers in.”

 

“NO!” Daniel almost screamed, “No, Jack!  I don’t want to be at the SGC without you.  We just can’t let others know that… that…”

 

Jack laid back on his pillow with a frown.  “Is it me, Daniel?  You don’t want to be with me?”

 

Daniel sat up quickly, “NO!  Jack, no… it’s me.  If people think that you are in a relationship with me…”

 

“Daniel!  I DON’T CARE!  I love you.  For the first time in my life, I understand.  Sara was wonderful, and I did love her, but we just never really clicked.  I know that even if Charlie hadn’t died, we wouldn’t still be together.  But with you… you’ve seen me at my absolute worst and you still love me.”

 

“I do,” Daniel said softly.  “But can you bear being thought of as… as a faggot?  Being called queer and, and singled out to… to have the shit beat outta you?”

 

Jack also sat up and put his hand on the cheek of the man that had found his heart.  “Danny, you have to come to terms with your sexuality.  You don’t have anything to fear any longer.  And you know what?  I’m fine with people thinking I’m gay, if it means I get to have you all to myself.  As for someone looking to beat me up?  Let’em try!”

 

Again, tears slid down the tortured face.  Sad but bright blue eyes gazed at the older man.  Jack pulled him into a tight hug and petted his hair.

 

“Hey, why don’t we have Carter and Teal’c come over tomorrow tonight.  Have a little team night.  They’ve been really worried about you.”  Feeling the head nod on his shoulder, Jack smiled.

 

“Will you tell them?” Daniel asked, “about… you know… us?”

 

“We will.  You and me.  I know that neither of them will care.  We’re all family, Daniel.  Your family.  And we don’t have secrets in our family.  Okay?”

 

Daniel leaned back and gave him a small grin.  “Okay.”

 

***

 

Daniel sat on the couch in his psychiatrist’s room, leg moving up and down like an over worked piston.  He hated coming here, but a promise is a promise, so here he sat.  She was nice enough and he knew that she was there to help him through all the things his attack had dredged up.  Still, talking about himself and his feelings was nothing short of agonizing.

 

He made the mistake of mentioning what he and Jack had discussed the night before.  Now she wanted to know why he felt he didn’t deserve the love his friend was offering.  Daniel thought long and hard on this most of the night.  He still couldn’t justify letting Jack get into trouble because of him and his feelings.

 

Daniel closed his eyes and let out a long sigh.  “I love Jack, Dr. Fleming.  With all of my heart.  But I can’t let him return that love and ruin his career.  I’m not worth it!”

 

“Why don’t you think you are worth his love?”

 

God, he hated shrinks!  “I’m just not!  Can’t you understand that?” Daniel screamed.  Then he took a deep breath and said in a controlled voice, “Look, I’m a pretty good archeologist and an even better linguist.  I can solve problems that most can’t even see.  I have some fine qualities, but I can NOT be loved!  Anyone that even tries to love me, usually ends up dead.  I won’t let that happen to Jack!  End of story!”

 

Daniel stood and began to pace the small, cozy room.  Dr. Fleming watched as he picked up a stuffed teddy bear and began to hug it.

 

“Daniel,” the older woman said softly, “can you tell me what the happiest memory you have of your childhood?  A time when you felt most loved?”

 

He stopped short and hung his head.  With the stuffed bear clutch tightly to his chest, he thought for a while.  A small smile played about his lips as he remembered.

 

The night was warm but cooling.  After the heat of the summer day it felt

wonderful.  Little Danny Jackson was in the back of his father’s open-top

jeep.  Pillow, light-weight blanket, and his favorite stuffed camel “Sudi” was

with him.  As he stretched out on his makeshift bed, Melburn Jackson came out

and got into the front seat.  Father and son sat in the peace of the evening

for a while.

 

The breeze ruffled Danny’s long hair and he brushed it away from his eyes. 

Staring up at the stars, he yawned.  Questions raced through is overly active brain.

 

“Daddy,” his small voice seemed even smaller in the vastness of the night, “does

the wind blow the stars away?”

 

Melburn smiled.  His son was always asking the most interesting questions.  Always

wanting to know things.

 

“No, Danny,” he answered, “the stars stay where they are.”

 

A long silence stretched as the night darkened.

 

“But the stars do move.  Last month they were closer to the earth, and that one,”

he pointed to a bright pinpoint in the sky, “that one was sitting on top of the

great pyramid.”

 

So, smart, Melburn thought.  “You’re right.  But the stars don’t move, at least they

don’t move very quickly.  The earth does.  And the wind doesn’t reach as far as

the stars are.”

 

Danny sat up and gave his father an incredulous look, “But I don’t feel the earth

moving.”

 

Melburn laughed, “You’re right again, Danny.  How do you think we know that the

earth moves?”

 

The little blonde boy thought for a long time.  “Because the sun chases the moon

across the sky.  Always rising in the east and setting in the west.  So, if the sky

and the stars don’t move very fast, that means the earth must move fasterer.”

 

“Right again, little man.  And maybe one day, you will walk among the stars.”

 

“Daaaaad, I wanna be an archeologist like you and mommy,” Danny declared.

 

“That doesn’t mean you can’t walk among the stars, kido.  If there are planets

out there that have life, or had life on them, they will have history as well.  A

history just waiting for a bespectacled lad to dig up and teach others about it.”

 

“Cool,” Daniel said as he looked back to the stars with amazement on his face. 

He searched the sky again when his attention was drawn to clouds being buffeted

by the wind.  Two big, fluffy ones combined to make one big cloud and that brought

another question invading his tiny head.  Some things he just had to know.  “Daddy,

why don’t we hear it when clouds bump into one another?”

 

With a chuckle, Melburn got out of the jeep and gathered his son into his arms,

carrying him to the family tent.  He considered his answer as he placed little Danny

on his cot.

 

“According to Skidi Pawnee Indian lore, clouds are clothing for the gods of heaven.

The sky god wears a cloud garment. When he spreads his arms, the clouds, or

"garments," stretch across the entire sky.  Do you hear your clothing when you

fold your shirts?”

 

“Na-ah.  Most of my clothes are folded by mom,” Danny grinned at his father.

 

“You are a funny man,” Melburn tickled his son.  “Tradition among the Zuni Indians

tells of a monster called Cloud Eater. He was as tall as a mountain peak and had

an enormous appetite for clouds, thus causing drought. The Zuni Indians tried to

hunt for the monster to destroy him and bring rain, but they never found where

Cloud Eater lived.”

 

With a huge yawn, the young boy asked, “Does Cloud Eater live here in the desert? 

Maybe that’s why the Zuni braves couldn’t find him?

 

Melburn smiled as he tucked his son in and drew the mosquito netting around his

small bed.  “Maybe.  It’s certainly a good working theory.”

 

Danny finally lost his battle with sleep.  Rolling onto his side, he hugged his camel

and dreamed of Cloud Eater with a robe made of soft white clouds.

 

The now adult Daniel Jackson wiped a tear from his eye, and whispered to himself, “the sound of clouds crashing.” 

 

He sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh, but didn’t look at Dr. Fleming.  Still hugging the bear, he said quietly, “Being with my father at night, when the camp was all settled in for the evening.  My mom would be cataloging the days find in our tent.  I used to make a bed in the back of our jeep to watch the stars come out.  Dad would always sit in the front set, waiting for any questions I would come up with.  He was unbelievably patient with me.  I loved being in Egypt with them.  I was a shove-bum as soon as I could hold a spade.  I was safe with my folks.”

 

“That’s a great memory, Dr. Jackson,” the psychiatrist said.  “How old were you when they passed away?”

 

“Eight.  We had just moved into our first real house in New York.  Had a huge backyard with old oak trees.  Dad put a swing up that day… before we went into the city.  While they were overseeing the exhibit construction, I wandered around the museum.  It was great!  The place wasn’t open to the public yet and I could look to my heart’s content,” he said.

 

As the memories overcame him, Daniel grew sad.  “Then… I don’t know, I just felt like something was wrong.  I ran back to my parents yelling like I was being hurt or something.  When I got to the room they were working in, they dropped what they were doing to come to me… and, and that’s when it… that’s when the cover stone fell… fell on them.” 

 

He let out a heart wrenching wail and buried his face into the stuffed animal.  “They died because they were distracted by my crying!”

 

Daniel knew that the real cause of the accident was a faulty chain, but whenever he would think about the moment his life changed irrevocably, it was always his fault.  Trying to curl in on himself, he rocked back and forth on the couch.  He hadn’t thought about his parents’ death since the Gamekeeper made him relive the event, over and over again.  From that time on, he couldn’t remember the scene as it really happened, only as the Gamekeeper had shown him. 

 

The elderly doctor, quietly waited for him to calm down.  She knew he need this release.  After a few minutes, Daniel wiped his face and schooled his features.

 

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

 

Dr. Fleming smiled at him, “Daniel, this is why you are here.  There is nothing to be sorry for.  Can I ask you a question?”

 

He shrugged, “I guess.”

 

“How do you think your parents would feel about you being a gay man?”

 

Daniel’s eyes went wide.  “What’da you mean?”

 

“Would they be angry?  Try to convince you that you’re not?  Would they disown you?”

​

“NO!” he yelled angrily, “How could you even think that?  My parents were scholars.  Educated people with very open and willing minds.  Culture of all kinds were accepted on their merits alone.  In fact, they had a lot of friends that were gay.  When we lived in England for a short time, my nanny was a lesbian.  They taught me to love people for who they were, not who they loved.  And I know that they would be fine with me… they would never… they…”

 

For the first time, Daniel realized that he never thought about what his parents would think of him now.  That they would be fine with his life choices.  Hell, his dad would love Jack.  They had the same quirky sense of humor.  So why was he fighting against himself about being a homosexual?  Why did he think it was such a horrible thing for him to be?

 

Dr. Fleming decided that was enough for the day.  She tapped his knee, bring him back from his misery, and said, “I would like to have you focus on the memories of when you were with your dad in Egypt.  The times you were happiest, and journal about them.  Any little thing you did with your parents, is your focus.  How much you felt loved and cared for.  Safe.”

 

After a few moments, Daniel shook his head and slowly came back to the present.  “Um, that tends to make things worse for me.  Any time I try to remember the safe feelings I had as a child, it would just bring all the horror of some of my foster families to mind.”

 

“Don’t think of your foster families, just your parents,” she said.  As an afterthought, she asked, “Do you feel safe when you’re with Jack?”

 

Daniel nodded, “Yes.  He always makes sure I’m safe.  Gets a bit annoying sometimes,” he let out a little chuckle.

 

Dr. Fleming smiled at him.  “Then as you write about your safe feelings of your parents, write the next paragraph about Jack.  Every other paragraph should be when you were little, and now.  Understand?”

 

He nodded and stood up to leave, wiping his face one last time before he opened the door.

 

“Dr. Jackson,” the older woman said with a hint of humor.  He looked back to her and she held out her hand, “The bear?”

 

Daniel blushed profusely and handed the stuffed animal back.

 

***

 

Daniel shadowed Jack as they browsed the aisles of the grocery store.  They were picking up dinner, snacks and drinks for their team night.  Daniel was practically glued to Jack’s side, never getting out of arms reach.  The older man wondered why his friend was being so clingy, but let him stay close, figuring he had a tough therapy session.  Daniel wasn’t talking at all.  On the ride to the store from his appointment, he spent staring out the truck window, worrying his lip and fidgeting restlessly.

 

“Want to get some of that expensive wine you like so much?” Jack asked over his shoulder.  He felt the shrug from his silent partner.  “Oooookay.  How about a French Silk Pie?”  Another shrug.  Jack stopped suddenly and turned to face the man.  “Danny, do you want to cancel tonight?  Are you not feeling up to it?”

 

Daniel looked at him startled for a moment.  “No, it’s okay to have them over.  I miss seeing them.  I’m just… I’m just a little distracted.”

 

“Ah huh,” Jack mumbled.  “They’ll understand if you want to postpone a day, you know.”

 

“No!  It’s okay… really!!  I’m fine.”  He tried to smile, but it just ended up looking more like reversed pout.  Only Daniel could pull off appearing adorable and miserable at the same time.

 

Jack nodded and turned back to his shopping.  They were almost to the check out when the colonel realized that Daniel wasn’t against his back.  He turned around to see where his shadow had gone.  A few aisles back, Daniel was standing rooted to the floor, shaking like a leaf.  He had a sheen of sweat covering his face and a wild-eyed look.  Jack ran back to him.

 

“Danny!  Danny, what’s wrong?” he nearly shouted.

 

The shaken man nodded his head in the direction of two men in all leather with shaved heads and tattoos standing halfway down an aisle.  They were merely biker guys, but they were sneering at Daniel, making kissing noises at him.  Jack turn and faced the guys, straighten up and glared at them.  The men just laughed as the Air Force colonel started walking towards them.

 

With his best military voice, Jack stopped right in front of them and said, “You two got a problem?”

 

The taller of the two smiled evilly, “no problem, flyboy.  Just admiring your boy-toy!  I’ll give you $50.00 for a night with him.”

 

Jack felt his adrenalin kick in and knew he was going to have to keep his cool in this public place.  With every ounce of control, he said a low, dangerous voice, “you need to leave this store, immediately.” 

 

“We got as much right to be here as you do.  If you ain’t gonna share, you should take your muscle-twink home and stuff’em in a closet where he belongs, bear-daddy!”

 

As Jack argued with the two guys, Daniel backed away.  He was shaking so hard it was throwing him off-balance.  When he took another step back he ran into a display, causing cans to thunder to the ground.  Daniel jumped a mile high and fled out of the store.

 

The two bikers roared with laughter as Jack turned to sprint back to his friend.

 

“DANIEL!!” he yelled as he raced after him.  When he reached the end of the aisle, Jack crashed into a woman’s cart and fell flat on his ass.

 

Jumping back to his feet, he raced after Daniel.  “Sorry… Sorry!!” he shouted back to the woman.

 

When he got outside, Jack looked for where his friend went.  To the right, he saw a few people staring back towards him.  He looked left to see the man round the corner of the store.  As fast as his old knees could carry him, he was after his fleeing archeologist.

 

When he turned the corner, he didn’t see any sign of Daniel, but the ally was a dead end, so he knew he was there somewhere.  Jack walked into the ally listening for any signs of life.  Then he heard the soft whimpering coming from behind a dumpster.  Peering around the big green bin, he found Daniel, curled in a tight ball, shivering.

 

“Danny,” he said softly, “Danny, it’s me… okay?  I’m gonna touch you now…”

 

Daniel startled as warm hands were laid on his shoulder.  When he didn’t move away, Jack wrapped him up in his arms.  “Shhhhh, Danny, it’s okay.  No one’s gonna hurt you.  I’m here.”

 

Daniel clutched at the man holding him and wept softly.  He felt miserable.  Why couldn’t he get a handle on his emotions?  Why couldn’t he just ‘man up’ and deal.  Hell, he and the team have been through worse, why couldn’t he just get over this?  He knew he was stronger than this.  He had always prided himself on his ability to cope with whatever life threw at him.  Why couldn’t he do it this time?  What was so different?  Maybe… maybe he was really starting to lose his mind.  Maybe when he descended, the Others didn’t put him back together right.  Left something out that made him ‘him’.  Maybe, he was missing a part of his very spirit.

 

The two men held each other for a few minutes before the cold seeped in.  Jack leaned back and cupped Daniel’s face, “Let’s go home, Danny.  I’ll call Sam and Teal’c and have them pick up dinner.”

 

Lifting sorrowful eyes, Daniel croaked out, “I’m sorry, Jack.  I guess I really am a head case, huh?”

 

Jack helped the younger man to his feet and put his arm around his waist, guiding him towards the truck.

 

“Not a head case, Danny.  Never that.  Just having a tough time right now.  We’ll get through it though.  I promise.  There’s nothing that can stop the two of us when we’re together.”

 

The words so kind, Daniel almost started weeping again.  After they were both in the truck and ready to go, Jack turned to him and said, “I love you, Danny!”

 

With a long drawn out sigh, Daniel whispered, “Please don’t say that, Jack.  I can’t take you loving me.  I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

“The only way you can hurt me, Daniel, is by not loving me back.”

 

“I do love you,” he answered in a voice so quiet and tiny, Jack almost didn’t catch it.  But he did hear and smiled.