Chapter Three: Caring for the Walking Wounded

​

Jack and Sam finished bringing all the grocery bags into the kitchen and began to put things away.  This was done in silence.  When they were finished, Jack went to check on Daniel.  He was back asleep.  O’Neill motioned to Sam to meet him on the back porch as he grabbed a couple of sodas.  He left the sliding door open a bit to listen for his friend and pulled a chair over to sit.

 

“What happened, sir?” Sam asked softly.

 

Jack offered her a soda and scrubbed his hand through his hair to stall for time, trying to think on what to tell her.

 

“He had a nightmare, Carter.  And when we got here, just as he got outta the truck, the next-door neighbor kid missed his catch and a football hit the truck right beside him.”  Jack took a drink of his soda and grimly smiled, “You’da been proud of how fast he hit the deck, Carter.  Too bad it was all for nothing.”

 

Sam sat down and sipped her cola, deep in thought.  She was very concerned about her friend.  She had never seen him as withdrawn as he was after the attack.

 

“Sir,” she said softly, “is Daniel going to be okay?  When I was with him in the infirmary, he seemed… off.  Like he’d given up on everything.”

 

“What’da mean?” he asked, fishing for what she was thinking.

 

“I’ve seen people that have given up.  The look in their eyes.  One of my best friends in college committed suicide after years of depression… Daniel has that same look now.  I’m really worried.”

 

Jack hung his head.  What could he say?  Sam was Daniel’s friend too.  “I can’t… I can’t discuss this with you, Carter.  It’s his business.”

 

“‘His business’?  Sir, this is not just ‘his business’.  We’re a team.  A, a… a family.  Teal’c and I are as much a part of this as you are.  Daniel… Daniel is like my brother and I want, no, I need to be here for him.”

 

Jack put his soda can down and leaned back in his chair.  He gazed up into the evening sky and watched as a flock of Canada geese flying south.  How was he going to approach this without jeopardizing the trust that Daniel put in him?

 

In a quiet voice, he asked, “Have you ever seen a soldier with severe PTSD?”

​

She shook her head no.  All the combat that she had seen was from 25,000 feet.  Most of her military friends were pilots also or pentagon pencil pushers.  She remembered her dad talking about soldiers with ‘shell-shock’, but she really hadn’t experienced it first-hand.  At least, not severe cases.

 

O’Neill let out a long breath and turned his focus to his 2IC.  “I’ve seen guys that shake so bad they can’t hold a fork or a pen.  Some guys would go into hysterics at the smallest ‘pop’ sound.  My buddy from the first Gulf war would fly into a rage if he smelled gasoline or smoke from a firecracker.

 

“Ferretti and me were at a buddy’s house one night shortly after my last tour.  I knew that he was having some problems adjusting, but he seemed to have his shit together.  I was happy that he was back with his family. 

 

“It was his first 4th of July at home when the next-door neighbor decided to shoot a bunch of bottle rockets off.  One of them landed on the ground next to us then exploded.  It was an accident, but it hurt Andy’s daughter.  He jumped the fence and beat the kid senseless.  By the time Ferretti and I pulled him off, the kid was laying in the grass with a K-bar sticking out of his chest.  When Andy saw what he did, he freaked and ran into his house, yelling that he didn’t mean to do that.

 

“I was holding the father of the boy back as Ferretti called the cops and tried to stop the bleeding.  Next thing we knew, there was a gun blast from Andy’s house.  He ate his gun.  The boy lived, but neither family was ever the same.”

 

Jack stood and walked over to the railing of his porch and leaned on it for a moment.  When he began to speak again, it was in a soft, choked voice.  “When Charlie… when Charlie died, it was like having tunnel vision.  I couldn’t see anything but his lifeless body and the gun… my gun by his side.  Any time Sara would try to touch me, I felt like I was being electrocuted over and over and over.  When she would say his name, I couldn’t help but fly into a rage.  Sara looked so much like him that I couldn’t let her near without pain numbing every part of me.  I hated her.  I hated myself.  I hated life.”

 

Carter went to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.  With a sad smile, Jack took her hand in his, he swallowed hard the feelings that were being stirred up.  “For months, my gun was in my hand pointed at my head for hours at a time.  Sam, I wouldn’t be here now, if the Air Force hadn’t come knocking on my door for a ‘suicide mission’.  And even then, the only reason I am here is because of a scrawny, long haired, sneezing geek, that somehow pulled me back from the very edge and showed me that my life was worth fighting for.

 

“Daniel is wonderful at showing everyone around him how much they are valued and loved and needed.  But when it comes to those feelings for himself, he just can’t seem to see them.  This attack was brutal on its own, but I’m afraid that it has resurrected the memories of things that happened a long time ago.  Things he’s never dealt with.  He’s so good at compartmentalizing that he can fool himself into believing that he’s A-OK, when really…”

 

“He’s a wreck waiting to happen,” Sam offered.

 

“Yeah.  And just like Daniel was there for me, I’m gonna be here for him.  I need to be.  He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  He’s my lifeline.”

 

They were quiet for a while.  Sam shivered in the cooling night air.

 

“I’m going to head out,” she said.  “Sir, please let Teal’c and me help out with Daniel.  Whatever we can do.  It would mean a lot to both of us.  Even if it’s just getting the groceries or coming over to sit with him and give you a break.”

 

Standing also, Jack nodded, “Yeah, okay.  Let me get him a little steadier first.”

 

She smiled and nodded.  “I’m gonna go around so I don’t disturb him.  Let me know if you need anything else from the store.”

 

“Thanks, Sam.”

 

***

 

Jack quietly entered the house and locked the door behind him.  He rummaged around the kitchen getting some supper ready for he and his wounded charge.  Going back into his bedroom, he retrieved the lockbox and decided it would be more convenient to have in the kitchen.  He would put it up high so Daniel wouldn’t be able to reach it.  As the soup simmered, he went and locked the front door also.  Then he pulled out an ice pack for Daniel, and went to wake him up.  The man was quietly whimpering in his sleep.

 

“Hey,” Jack said softly, “Danny, it’s time for some dinner.”

 

The linguist stirred sleepily.  A hitch caught in Jack’s throat when his friend opened his dull and flat eyes.  This was not the Daniel he knew and loved.  This was a mere shell of that man.  He couldn’t believe how much it hurt to see him like this.

 

Trying to paste a smile on his face, Jack helped his friend sit up.  Moving the coffee table out of the way, Jack had the footrest pop out from the couch and handed Daniel the ice pack for his groin.  Ruffling his hair, he went to get the hot soup for him.

 

He ladled some of the hot broth into a mug, figuring that it would be easier for Daniel to hold, and dropped one ice cube in it to cool some.  Lastly, adding a straw, Jack took the meal to his friend.

 

“Here ya go!” he said cheerfully.  “Eat it all up.  Make you big and strong.”

 

Daniel glared at him.  Painfully he tried to speak, “Wha’ iv ‘iv?” <What is this?>

 

Jack’s eyebrow quirked up for a second while he tried to decipher what was said.  Then it dawned on him, “what is it?  It’s chicken broth.  Good for the soul.”

 

“No’ hung’y,” <Not hungry,> he said as he went to put it down.

 

O’Neill caught his hand and gently pushed the mug back at him.  “You gotta eat, Daniel.  Better on your stomach for the meds if you have something in there.  Besides, millions of Jewish mothers can’t be wrong.  Now eat!”

 

Daniel sighed deeply and proceeded to put the straw in his mouth and sip the broth.  It was very good and he was hungry.  As he sipped his soup, he thought about the bottle of morphine he had stolen from the infirmary.  Maybe later tonight he would take them all.  He looked around the room and realized that his duffle bag was gone.

 

“’ack, where iv my bag?” he asked.  <Jack, where is my bag?>

 

Jack put his soup bowl down and looked at him, he replied, “I put everything away in your room.  Why?”

 

Daniel went pale.  Did Jack find the pills then?  Did he take them away?  He didn’t want to let on that something was in the bag that he wasn’t supposed to have, so he shook his head and let it drop.

 

Jack watched him, waiting for either the tirade of anger or mumble of apology for having the drugs, but neither came.  He decided not to push it for now.  He stood up and took the empty dishes back into the kitchen.

 

When he finished cleaning up, he crushed Daniel’s medicine and mixed them into some chocolate pudding.  Taking the dessert back to his friend, he geared himself up for resistance.  At first, Daniel was delighted with the treat, then gave Jack a suspicious look.

 

“Meds?” he asked.

 

“Yes, Daniel, your meds in mixed in.  No arguments or I’ll take you back to Doc Frasier.  Capisce?”

 

He glared at him, but was in no shape to resist.  Besides, it was chocolate.  After the medication was gone, Jack stood up and held his hand out to Daniel.

 

“Danny,” he said gently.  “come on, let’s get you clean and bedded down.”

 

Shaking his head, no, Daniel opened the laptop again and punched out, “I do not need to be babied!  I can clean myself!”

 

“Sure, you can.  With a cast from fingertips to armpit, ribs wrapped up and unsteady on your feet…” Jack said with a smirk.

 

“I do not need you to give me a bath!  Just let me go to bed!”

 

Jack took the laptop away and carefully pulled him off the couch, “You’re ripe, Daniel.  We’re gonna get you clean.  You’ll feel better too.”

 

With a strong arm gently wrapped around Daniel’s waist, Jack ushered him to his room.  He placed the laptop on the nightstand and turned to help the wounded man to undress.  Slowly he took off the sling, then with gentle hands carefully got his shirt over his head.  Jack unwrapped his ribs, sighing at the myriad of colors that graced his friend’s torso.

 

“You got shorts on under your scrubs?”

 

Daniel shook his head no, a slight blush creeping up his neck.  He tried to protest again, but Jack wouldn’t take no for an answer.  He slid the pants down, trying to be discreetly oblivious.  Tapping on a foot for him to lift, he took his sock off, then the other one.  He pulled a garbage bag out of his back pocket and proceed to cover the casted arm.  The last thing to remove were his glasses, which were laid on the nightstand next to the computer.

 

“Come on,” Jack urged him into the bathroom and closed the door.

 

As Daniel took a much-needed leak, the other man brought the water up to a warm temp.  He was glad that his shower head was one that could pull down.  Much easier to control where the water was going.  It took no time at all to have the room nice and toasty.

 

“Just step in and hold onto the washcloth bar.  It’s sturdy and will help you stay upright.  I’ll do the rest.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Daniel did as coached, grumbling unintelligibility under his breath.  As the water sluiced down his back, he couldn’t help but close his eyes and sigh in relief.  There was no denying it, he did stink and this really felt good on his battered body.  Jack gently soaped up a cloth and ran it over Daniel’s shoulders and back.  He then started on the front, making sure not to rub too hard on his busted ribs.  After rinsing off the top, Jack tapped his friends face to get his attention.

 

“I’m gonna do the bottom half now, Danny.  Okay?”

 

If it didn’t hurt so bad, he would have clenched his jaw, but as it was, he just closed his eyes again and gave a sharp nod.

 

Wonderful!  Daniel thought sullenly, the one man that I’ve been in love with for years, is now washing my junk.  This is so humiliating!

 

As the soapy cloth began to manipulate his groin, he started a mantra, don’t get hard, don’t get hard!  But the more he thought it, the tougher it was to stop.  Thankfully, Jack turned his focus to the backside and Daniel dropped his hand over his crotch.

 

“Danny, hold onto the bar.  I’m not looking… it’s okay.”

 

That soft reassurance broke him, and he started to sob, “I’m ‘orry… I’m ‘orry…”

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jack said, “it’s okay.  I understand.”

 

“No, oo ‘eawy ‘on’k!” <No, you really don’t!> Daniel tried to say.

 

Jack rinsed him off again and soothed, “I really do, Danny.  And it’s alright.  The heart wants what the heart wants, no matter how much we try to tell it different.  I wasn’t just humoring you when I said I was flattered to have your affection.  It really means a lot to me.  And doing this for you, it’s my way of showing you how much you mean to me too.”

 

Daniel almost slumped to the floor of the tub with those kind words.  He just couldn’t take the compassion Jack was showing him.  In his mind, he didn’t even deserve it.

 

Jack held him steady, murmuring soothing words and encouragement.  When his best friend got his feet back under him, Jack decided to forgo washing his hair.  They would tackle that in the morning. 

​

Helping him out of the tub, Jack dried him off and wrapped him in one of his own soft robes.  They went back into the bedroom and Daniel sat on the bed while his ribs were rewrapped.   Making him stand up, Jack helped get a pair of soft boxers on and then pulled the covers back, aided him in laying down and got him all tucked in.

 

The older man pulled a chair over and leveled a gaze at his friend.  “I’m right in the next room, as you know.  I don’t care what time it is, or what you need, you call me.  I’m gonna turn the laptop’s volume up as high as it will go and believe me, I will hear it.  Okay?”

 

Daniel dejectedly nodded his acquiescence.  With a firm nod, Jack got up to leave the room.

 

“’ack,” a faint voice called to him, “’ank oo!” <Jack, thank you!>

 

Jack smiled fondly, “Anytime, Danny.”  As he started to close the door, he paused, “Want me to read you a bed time story?”

 

The multi-linguist answered with one finger.

 

***

 

It was pitch black and stifling hot.  Daniel had no idea where he was or what was happening.  He jerked suddenly when he felt someone or something brush his shoulder.  That was when he realized he was naked… alone… and scared.

 

“Jack?” he called out in a panic.

 

He was hit from behind.  The blow sent him to his knees.

 

“Who’s there?” Daniel shouted and wrapped his arms around his knees, making himself as small as he could.  His voice sound strange.  Younger.  “What’s going on?  Where am I?”

 

His arms were abruptly pulled from his tight position and were stretched out.  Then his legs were yanked back and he was held down, spread eagle.

 

“STOP!” he tried to yell, “Jack, help me!”

 

Daniel was hit again with a dizzying blow.  Kicks and punches rained down on him.  He felt warm liquid stream over him and knew by the smell it was piss.  He could hear the evil laughter and voices coming from all around him.

 

“Your boyfriend can’t help you now, homo!”

 

“Smear the queer!”

 

“Faggot!”

 

“Only good queer is a dead queer!”

 

The beating intensified and then suddenly stopped.  Weeping softly, Daniel felt a weight come down hard on his back as a knee was pressed into his spine, grinding his genitals to the ground painfully.  The laughter grew louder.  He felt his hips being lifted.  The fingers pressing hard into his flesh.

 

“Hold’em still!  Time to deflower this little queen!”

 

A scream ripped from his throat as he felt his ass split with penetration.

 

***

 

Jack was in Daniel’s room in a fraction of a second.  He had heard the laptop crashing to the floor and his friend wrestling with his blankets as he tried to scream.

 

“Danny, Danny!” he said as grappled with the thrashing man.  “Danny, it’s a dream.  You’re okay!  I’m here.”

 

Daniel clutched onto Jack and hung on for dear life.  Choking and panting he cried into his friend’s shoulder.  The older man petted his hair, shushing him gently.  When Jack realized that his breathing was becoming very labored, he tried to extract himself from the tight grip so he could get Daniel a sedative.

 

“Daniel,” he said softly, “let me go and get you your meds.  You need help to breath.  You’re gonna choke with all the phlegm goin’ down your throat”

 

Daniel wouldn’t let him go.  Jack was his lifeline.  The only one that could chase the phantoms away.

 

“It’ll only take me a second, buddy.”

 

Slowly, he let go, as he gasped through his wired shut teeth.  He was getting dizzy with the lack of oxygen.  O’Neill was gone and back before he knew it.  With wide and panic filled eyes, he watched his friend ready the syringe with the sedative.  Daniel offered his arm, he was so desperate to settle down.  Jack then shook the inhaler that Frasier had also sent home with them, for just this kind of case.

 

After the drugs were administered, Jack had Daniel lay back and got a warm cloth to wipe his friend’s face.  When he sat back down, the younger man reached for his arm and clutched it tightly.  It took a long time for him to finally calm down.

 

Jack noticed the miserable blue eyes begin to droop and asked, “You okay now?  Ready to go back to sleep?”

 

“Will oo ‘ay wiff me?” <Will you stay with me?> Daniel croaked out.

 

Jack smiled, “Sure.  I’ll stay until you’re back to sleep.”

 

Daniel shook his head no, and patted the other side of the bed.  It really wasn’t big enough for two grown men to be comfortable, but Jack saw the pain and panic in his eyes.  With a slight smile, he stood up and helped his friend to also rise.

 

“Let’s move this to my bed.  It’s bigger.”

 

Nodding his head, he let Jack maneuver him into the other room and got him bedded down again.

 

“’on’k ‘eave me,” <Don’t leave me,> Daniel pleaded with his friend. 

 

“I won’t leave you, Danny.  Promise.”

 

When they were both under the blankets and snuggled in, Daniel rested his hand on Jack’s arm and closed his eyes, feeling secure enough to let sleep overtake him.

 

Jack laid with one hand pillowed behind his head and stared at the dark ceiling.  It was a strange feeling to have another man in his bed, even though they bunk together all the time on missions.  However, this was his bed.  Kind of an inner sanctum that wasn’t meant to be shared… at least not with a guy.  That had him thinking even more.  How did he feel about that?  About not only having a guy in his bed, but a gay one at that.  This was Daniel though.  The one person he would do anything for.  Sharing his bed with his broken and shattered friend should be a no brainer for him. 

 

He turned his head and watched Daniel as he slept.   It seemed the sedative was working at keeping the dreams away for the time being.  As the moon light shown on the still bruised face, Jack really looked at him.  He was very handsome, as guys go.  Soft features, almost perfectly symmetrical.  It was Daniel’s eyes that really struck Jack.  They always had.  Like looking into fathomless pools that were a mix of knowledge and innocence.  An innocence that he hadn’t seen since Daniel had returned to the land of the living.  And then there were his lips.  Full and pouty, the kind he actually loved in a woman.  But Daniel was no woman!  He was all man.  Hard muscles, a good height, firm and steady.  Even his smell was masculine.  A strange flutter erupted in Jack’s belly.  One he hadn’t felt in a very long time.  One that never came when he was thinking of a man.

 

Jack felt Daniel’s hand fist in his sweatshirt sleeve and move a bit closer to him.  The younger man really needed to have the strength that Jack had to offer to keep him safe in his sleep. 

 

He listened to Daniel’s breathing deepen and knew his friend was truly asleep.  He could sneak out and move to the couch.  But he promised to stay with him.  And Jack was always true to his word.  Besides, this felt comfortable.  Natural even.  What the hell was going on with him?

 

Chalking it up to exhaustion, Jack tried to go back to sleep, only to be haunted with strange dreams.  Dreams of his friend.  Dreams of love.  Dreams that had to stay that… dreams.

 

***

 

Morning came much too soon for Jack’s liking.  As consciousness stirred him, he found that Daniel was still clutching his arm tightly.  Trying to extract himself from the grip without waking his friend was difficult, but he really needed to go to the head.

 

Ever so gently, Jack managed to get out of bed without waking his sleeping charge.  After relieving himself, he got a quick shower and returned to the bedroom to find Daniel still asleep.  Padding into the kitchen, Jack made some coffee and eggs.  He dumped some of the scrambled eggs into a blender, added some cheese and bacon bits and mixed it up into a sickly yellow shake.  Then he mixed in Daniel’s crushed medication and took the coffee and egg-shake back into the bedroom.  Daniel was beginning to stir as he entered.

 

“Hey there, sleepyhead,” Jack said cheerfully.  “I brought you some breakfast.  I know it doesn’t look like much, but it’ll be good for you.”

 

Daniel raised his eyebrows at him with a disgusted expression on his face, judging the nasty looking shake.  Without hesitation, he reached for the mug of coffee.  Jack pulled it out of his reach, knowing that it was his leverage to get him to ‘eat’ the eggs first.

 

“Aht!  This first, then you can have your coffee,” he bribed.

 

“’aaaaack!” the other man whined at him.  Seeing he wasn’t going to get his way, Daniel took the egg-shake.

 

“Atta boy!” Jack smiled and placed a straw into the glass.

 

Daniel took a sip.  It wasn’t as bad as it looked, and he drank it all quickly.  He wanted his coffee.  When he finished it down, Jack handed him the reward, complete with straw.  Humming happily, his eyes slid closed with enjoyment of his drug of choice.

 

Jack went and dished up his own breakfast and took it back to sit with his friend.  When they were finished, the older man listed what they were going to do today.

 

“First, I’m gonna wash your hair and get you shaved,” he said, then looked at Daniel skeptically, “Do you trust me to shave you?”

 

With a shy smile, Daniel nodded to him.

 

“Great!  After that, I’m gonna get you all settled in your chair, AND give you the greatest gift I know of… the t.v. remote.”

 

Daniel couldn’t help but roll his eyes and give a little smile.

 

Jack continued, “we’ll just be taking it easy today.  Janet will be dropping by later to check on you.  I’m also going to have Carter buzz over to your place and grab some of your cloths and a few books to keep you busy.  No work though, General Hammond already told me that.”

 

With a small grumble, Daniel nodded his acceptance of the day’s schedule.  With all the meds he was on, he figured he be asleep most of the day anyhow. 

 

Jack helped him to the kitchen and sat him down at the table backwards.  He brought a large bowl over and a pitcher of warm water.  Daniel leaned back as far as his ribs would allow and closed his eyes.  The water was nice as it flowed over his head.  Jack lathered him up good and rinsed him off.  He toweled his hair dry and combed it.  Changing out the water, he came back to the table and turned Daniel to face him.  With a very gentle touch, Jack shaved his friend’s face with no nicks.

 

“Hey, I’m pretty good at this!” the older man crowed when he was finished.

 

Daniel smiled at his pride and felt his face.  Nice and smooth, just how he liked it.  Jack reached out a hand and helped him up.  They shuffled into the living room and Jack had his friend sit in the over-stuffed, comfortable leather recliner.  He disappeared for a moment, then came back with an ice pack and the laptop.  Daniel groaned at the ice pack, but took it and placed it on his groin.  Jack then brought over the afghan and tucked it around his waist.  With the air of presenting him the Crown Jewels, Jack handed Daniel the t.v. remote and bowed.  The wounded archeologist chuckled at his antics.  He was really trying to make him comfortable and Daniel felt his love.

 

The older man then went back and began putzing around in the kitchen, Daniel turned the t.v.  on.  He soon found the History Channel and settled back in his chair.  His mind wasn’t on the program though, it was on Jack.  At how he was making such an effort to care for him.

 

Daniel started thinking that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to get through this.  He’d already been through a lot, this was just one more thing to overcome.  It really seemed that Jack didn’t care that he was in love with him.  He certainly didn’t show any signs of disgust or resentment at caring for him.  As he considered this, his medication had him asleep again within the hour.

 

***

 

The halls of the SGC were crowded with people.  Daniel looked at them confused.  They seemed to be all Marines… and big.  He tried to push his way to his office, but the soldiers kept knocking him backwards or into the walls.

 

They would snarl, “Outta the way, fag…”

 

“Look where you’re going, queer…”

 

Where are all the airmen? Daniel wondered as he continued to try and reach his office.  Why were there so many fucking jar-heads here?

 

Turning a corner, he stopped short.  There were lockers on both sides of the hall and the painted cement floor was now off-white tile.  It was bright with florescent lighting, not the single bulb lighting that the base had.  What the fuck was going on?  At least there weren’t any people in this hall.

 

Taking a tentative step, Daniel searched for answers.  Where was he?  Suddenly a loud bell rang out and the doors on either side of the hall burst open with teenagers pouring out.  They stopped moving as soon as they saw the man standing there.  Abruptly they all started laughing and pointing at him.  Daniel looked around first, then down at himself and saw that he was half-naked with the word ‘queer’ carved into his chest.  Blood dripped down from each letter.  He tried to rub the word away when two big Marines pulled his arms behind him and forced him to move forward.  The kids were taunting and spitting at him cruelly.

 

“STOP!! LET ME GO!!” he cried out trying to break free.

 

The soldiers pushed him in a room and shoved him to his knees.  When he looked up, he was in a military courtroom.  Dark, oak paneling on the walls, hardwood floors, a gallery full of Airmen and Marines.  Most where people Daniel knew from the SGC, including his friends and teammates.  No one turned to look at him, their focus on the front of the room.

 

“Sam…” he whispered, trying to get her attention.  “Sam, help me.”

 

She never even looked his way.  Teal’c was sitting next to her, face focused with a scowl.

 

“Teal’c, what’s going on?  Can you get these guys off me?  Teal’c?  TEAL’C!!”

 

Still, no one would move to look at him or acknowledge his presence.  Fear began to choke him.  Daniel began to shake uncontrollably.  Why weren’t his friends helping him?

 

A line of stern looking men sat behind a long table.  Daniel saw Colonel Simmons and Senator Kinsey walk out and take their place front and center.  When they were seated, Jack stood at attention in his dress blues before them.

 

“Colonel Jonathan O’Neill, this hearing has been convened to assess your integrity and whether or not you may retain your rank of Colonel in The United States Air Force.  We will also address your ability to be a team-leader for SG-1 and the 2IC of the SGC,” Senator Kinsey said with an evil grin.

 

“I understand, sir,” his voice sharp and strong.

 

“Are you now or have you ever been in a homosexual relationship with this man?” Colonel Simmons asked.

 

Jack turned and for the first time since Daniel was pushed onto his knees, flanked by two Marines, did anyone else look at him.  Jack turned back to the tribunal, squared his shoulders and said, “I have never had a homosexual relationship with this man or any other man.  The very thought makes my skin crawl!”

 

Kinsey spoke with utter glee in his voice, “Do you plan on having a homosexual relationship with this queer?”

 

Again, the questioned man turned to Daniel.  Jack smirked when he saw blue eyes full of pain staring back at him. 

 

“Jack… please…” he bagged with tears streaming down his face.

 

O’Neill gave him a look of disgust, and turned away, “I am an Untied States Air Force Colonel.  I have spent most of my life honoring the oath I took.  Nothing will stand in the way of my career with the Air Force, sir.”

 

“Jack?” the bound man pleaded.  “But you told me that you loved me, that you would always be there for me.  You said that… that it didn’t matter that I was… that I was gay.  I thought we were at the very least, friends?!”

 

“Yeah, this whole friendship thing we've been working on in the last few years is… apparently not much of a foundation there, huh?”  he snarled, then turning back to the questioner.  Jack replied, “Never in a million years would I fuck that man.  He’s a nuisance, a whinner and a pest that can’t keep his emotions in check, or follow my orders.  9 times outta 10 he is the cause for missions that goes FUBAR.  I will never risk my career over that pansy geek.  Do what you want with him… I wash my hands.”

 

“JACK!!  You promised you were okay with me.  Why are you doing this?” Daniel called as he was dragged out of the room into the high school hall.  There, three seniors with letterman jackets and the four punks that had beat him in the parking lot stood waiting for their victim.  As the poundings commenced, Daniel saw Jack step out of the courtroom, look at him for a split second, repugnance written on his face, then turned to leave.

 

“JACK…” Daniel cried out as darkness overwhelmed him.  In the blackness, he heard the familiar voice of his so-called friend.

 

“Do you really think I’d love someone like you?  Fucking homo!  I wish you’d stayed dead!”

 

Then there was nothing but pain.

 

***

 

A scream ripped from Daniel’s throat as he jumped up and tried to fight his way out of the tangle of blanket that had covered him.  He raced to the door to run away from the lingering images.  Tripping up the step that lead into the sunken living room of Jack’s house, he sprawled on the floor, panting and weeping.  His lungs just couldn’t draw enough breath.

 

Jack flew into the room from the backyard and slid to a stop beside his friend.  The wild eyes and strangled screams ripped at his heart as he tried to get the terrified man under control.

 

“Daniel!” he shouted to get the man to see where he was and who was with him, “Danny, it’s okay, I’m here.  Take it easy.  It’s me!  The nightmare is over.  You’re safe.”

 

“No’ ‘afe.  No’ ok!” <Not safe.  Not okay!> he whimpered into Jack’s chest.

 

Jack hugged him close and rubbed his back gently.  “You are safe, Danny.  I won’t let anything happen to you.”

 

“No! ‘oo ate me!! I know ‘hif!!” <No!  You hate me!! I know it!!> Daniel choked out as he tried to push Jack away again.

 

“Don’t hate you, Daniel.  Never have… never will.”

 

The older man felt his friend shaking uncontrollably in his arms, he carefully helped him to his feet and back to the recliner.  He sat next to Daniel, holding him with one hand as he pulled the inhaler out of his pocket with the other.  He shook it before handing the small blue item to him.  Daniel couldn’t even hold the small bottle.  Jack took it back and held it for him.  His breathing was still rough, but at least he was getting air.  Daniel was still wild eyed and had a sheen of sweat covering his face, his shirt clung to his damp chest.

 

Jack reached over and opened the laptop, pulling up the program that spoke for his friend.  He handed it to Daniel.

 

“What was the dream?” the older man asked quietly.

 

Daniel just stared at the keyboard for a long time.  He really didn’t want to talk about it.  It didn’t help that the dream Jack said the same thing as the real Jack did a few years ago, ‘Apparently not much of a foundation.’  Looking up to Jack, he knew that he would have to say something.  The other man had that no-nonsense expression on his face.

 

“Do not want to talk about it.”

 

“You need to talk about it, Danny.  It’s the only way you can come to terms with what’s happened to you.”

 

“I am fine.”

 

Jack snorted, “No! you’re not!!  Danny, I’ve seen what PTSD can do to a person.  I’ve been through it myself as you well know!”

 

Daniel rolled his eyes and furiously pounded the keypad, “I DO NOT HAVE PTSD!  Now leave me alone!”

 

He tried to toss the computer onto the couch, but Jack caught it and shoved it back onto his lap.

 

“Daniel, you can’t sleep for more than an hour without having nightmares unless you’re heavily medicated.  Your eyes are dull and listless.  The fight has gone out of you.  Please… talk to me.”

 

Closing his eyes, Daniel fought the demons that were tearing at him.  He could feel their sharp claws wrapping around his throat, jagged teeth ripping at his heart.  Behind his eyes, he could see the hatred on the faces of the punks that attacked him.  The vile stares of the high schoolers that raped him.  Every Marine on base that whisper gay slurs when Jack or Teal’c weren’t around.  The ones that would harass him mercilessly when he would go into the workout room.  He never told Jack about them, only chose to work out when he or his big Jaffa friend was with him.

 

The images of his last nightmare surfaced.  The anger and hatred on Jack’s face as he beat him and spat homophobic slurs.  What should he believe, the Jack that was here and caring for him, the one that was holding his hand, and keeping him safe?  Or should he believe the one that yelled and belittled him when Daniel didn’t agree with his militaristic point of view?  Opening his eyes, he saw the compassion on Jack’s face, and felt his liquid breakfast threatening to make a reappearance.

 

“I’m go’a be ‘ick!” <I’m gonna to be sick!> he said as he tried to get up. 

 

Jack grabbed the small waist can from beside the couch and had Daniel lean forward over the bin.

 

“Just let it come out, buddy.  It’s all liquid anyway,” Jack said as he rubbed Daniel’s back.

 

As the retching racked his body with pain, Daniel couldn’t breathe again.  He panicked.  Putting his fingers in his mouth he tried to rip out the wires that held it close.

 

“Stop, Danny!”

 

“‘hak ‘em ou’, ‘ack!  p’ees!” <Take them out, Jack!  Please!> he pleaded. 

 

Jack ran into the kitchen and got the wire cutters from the lockbox that Janet sent home with him in case of emergencies.  He was back in seconds and carefully clipping the wires.  Daniel gasped for air as soon as his jaw could open.  The pain was dizzying and his peripheral vision began to black out.

 

“Easy, Daniel.  Slow deep breathes,” Jack said, rubbing his back again.

 

It took a long time to get his friend to calm down enough to set him back in the recliner.  Jack sat next to him and pulled out his cell phone.

 

“Hey, Doc,” he said into the phone, “Can you come out here sooner rather than later?  I had to cut the wires out.” There was a pause, then he answered, “I know, I know!  But he couldn’t breathe and had to puke.  Yeah, okay­- I’ll see you in an hour.”

 

Jack turned his attention back to his friend, “Frasier will be here soon.  You want some of you pain meds?”

 

With a drained look, Daniel nodded.  As Jack rose to his feet, he reached out to stop him, “I’m ‘orry, ‘ack.” <I’m sorry, Jack.>

 

Kneeling down beside him, Jack put his hand on Daniel’s cheek, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Daniel.  What you went through, all that you’ve been through, it’s not your fault.  None of this is your fault.”

 

Tears slid down his face as he nibbled on his bottom lip.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  And the compassion that was being offered was just too much for him to handle.  With the smallest voice, he murmured, “P’ees, ‘ack, ‘ek me go.  ‘ek me go home an’ ‘ake care of my’elf.” <Please, Jack, let me go.  Let me go home and take care of myself.>

 

“That’s not gonna happen, Danny,” he replied.  “I love you too much to see you do something… permanent.  You have too many friends for you to even think about such things.  And yes, I do know what is going through your head right now.”

 

“How?  How ‘he he’ow ‘oulg’ you ‘ow?” <How?  How the hell could you know?> he snarled. 

 

“Because I’ve seen that look in your eyes before.”

 

Daniel gaped at him, unsure of what he was referring too.

 

With a sad sigh, Jack moved his hand to hold his friend’s tightly.  He began, “on the balcony of your apartment a few years back.  Even though it was because of the stupid snakehead light thingy, I saw you struggling with more than just that.  And now, what I see in those… beautiful blue eyes of yours, the same pain, sorrow, and hopelessness.  It’s a gut-wrenching déjà vu, Danny.

 

“I’m here for you.  I’m gonna stay here for you and get you through this.  You are my best friend and the only one that can keep me honest.  We well get through this together.  Sam and Teal’c too.  We are all here for you, Daniel Jackson.  You’re not alone.  Not like when you were little.  Your family is here.”

 

Silent tears flowed down his face as a low keening erupted from his ravaged throat.  He felt that his heart was tearing in two.  One side was full of love for his friends and the other was pounding with the hate of who he was, what he wanted to do… and with whom that he was in love with.

 

He was so tired.  When a tap on his shoulder drew his attention, he saw that Jack had gotten his pain meds and something he assumed was a sedative in one hand and a glass of water in the other.  Taking them without argument, he looked up into his friend’s kind face.

 

“Cam I go oo my bek p’ees?” <Can I go to my bed please?>

 

Jack smiled, “sure.  It’ll be an hour or so before Janet gets here.”

 

He helped the wounded man to his feet and got him into his room.  Jack stayed with him until the pills took him off to what he hoped was the land of dreamless sleep.  He watched his friend with emotions that he had never acknowledged before.  Ones that were confusing him.  His care for Daniel was always strong, but now it seemed that with Daniel’s confession of love for Jack, something inside of him was stirring also.  Something, he wasn’t sure what to do with.