Chapter Two: Ghosts from the Past

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The first thing he became a where of was the cold.  The second was that he was naked.  Daniel opened his eyes to find an unfamiliar setting.  Looking around, he saw no one near him, but he heard voices.  He sat up, trying to cover himself as best he could and shivered in the cool breeze.

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“Hello?” he called out, unsure if that was really wise.  “Anyone here?  Wherever ‘here’ is?”

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Then he saw them.  Not quite human, but mere shadows with a human form.

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“Hello?  Can you tell me where I am?” he asked softly.

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The voice that answered sent an even colder chill up his spine.  “You are where all of your kind are sent.”

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With eyebrows pulled low over his confused blue eyes, he asked, “My kind?  Do you mean ‘human’?”

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A laugh that was neither humorous nor comforting lowered the temperature even more.  Daniel was positively shaking now.

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The rough and maniacal voice replied, “Your secret is now out for all to see.  Your friends will abandon you now.  You will have no one… as it should have been your whole pathetic life.  Your parents knew what you were and couldn’t wait to desert you.  None of the foster families wanted you around the other kids.  And now your pseudo-family will forsake you.”

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Daniel whispered, “No!  This isn’t right.”  Then he screamed, “Who are you?!  What do you want from me?”

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The shadows became clearer, but the faces had no eyes or noses, only savage looking fangs.  Their hands were like claws and they began to slash at him.

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“You are nothing!” they howled as each menace ripped into Daniel’s skin, “You are an abomination!  No one will ever love you!”

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As Daniel opened his mouth to scream his terror, they phantoms entered him.  He gagged and struggled to cough them out, but they continued to claw him from the inside.  The pain was overwhelming.  Just as Daniel was about to pass out, he heard the chorus of voices whisper in his mind.

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“Queer.  Faggot.  Abomination!”

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***

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Jack was sitting with his teammate, when Daniel woke from the nightmare, keening and thrashing wildly.  O’Neill was beside him in a split second, holding his good hand and shushing him as if he were a child.  Daniel tried to push him away, but Jack would have none of that.

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Brushing the hair off his friend’s forehead, Jack whispered to him, “it’s okay, Daniel.  Everything will be okay.  I promise.”

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Daniel just shook his head no.  He wanted to tell Jack to go to hell, but he couldn’t, so he just tried to push him away again.  Jack stood his ground.

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“Push all you want, Danny, I’m not leaving.  You’re stuck with me no matter what.”

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With that statement, Daniel broke down and sobbed.  Jack ran his fingers through the soft, but sweat-soaked hair and held tightly to his left hand, giving what comfort, he could to the wrecked man.  Taking everything that Daniel was willing to give him and making sure that he was strong enough to help in his recovery, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

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After a short time, the younger man calmed down.  Jack pushed the laptop that Sam had left there for him over, so that he could talk if he was ready too.

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“Try it, Danny.  It might help to let some of this it out.  I’m here and I can handle anything,” Jack told him.

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Daniel picked up his glasses and awkwardly putting them on, he reached out and put his left hand on the keyboard.  Typing one fingered, left handed, proved to be laborious to the extreme.  With his finished statement, he pressed enter for the machine to read it aloud.  The robotic voice was disjointed and rough, but it worked.

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“Fine now.  Not need you to stay.” 

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Jack smiled at him, “And here I thought you were above lying.  My image of you has been crushed.”

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Daniel sighed.  He should have known that Jack wouldn’t buy what he was trying to sell.

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“I hurt.  That’s all.  Confused.  Why?”

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“I don’t know, Daniel.  I wish I did.  Some people just can’t get it through their thick heads that it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round.”

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Daniel typed, “You not think I am gay.  Right?”

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He really wanted to make sure that Jack didn’t think he was.  That would make this whole thing even worse if he knew the truth.  That would make his nightmare true.  He began to feel the claws inside of him tearing at his chest again.

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“No!  No.  It was just stupid punks.  You would have told me if you were anyway,” Jack replied with absolute surety.  When Daniel looked away, doubt crept in and he asked, “Right?” 

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Jack noticed a dark pain in Daniel’s bloodshot eye.  When the younger man wouldn’t make eye contact with him, he stood up, cocked his head to one side, scrutinizing the man before him, “Daniel?”

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Again, the tears started down Daniel’s face, he couldn’t stop them.  He had kept his secret from everyone, especially from Jack for eight years.

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“Daniel… are, are you… gay?” Jack asked him quietly.

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The younger man didn’t move, he wouldn’t turn his head towards Jack and he closed his eyes to fight the pain he was sure would come when he finally admitted his preference.  Particularly to Jack.  He really didn’t want to do this, but somehow, the time had come for him to speak up, and he couldn’t even speak.

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“Daniel…”

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With great trepidation, Daniel reached out his hand and typed, “Am.  Sort of.”

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“You either are or you’re not, Danny,” Jack said to him.  “Unless you’re… bi?”

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Daniel sighed, “No, prefer men.”

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Jack hung his head for a moment.  This news was coming out of left field.  He thought he knew Daniel completely, but never in a hundred years would he have thought his friend would withhold that kind of information.  Jack sat down heavily.  This was big.

Why hadn’t Daniel told him this?  They had been best friends for years.  Had saved each other’s ass time and time again.  Why did he think that he couldn’t share this part of who he was with Jack?  Was he scared that Jack wouldn’t accept him?  That he would put him down or worse, bully him about it?

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The light went on in Jack’s head.

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Bullying.

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Daniel had been bullied when he was a kid.  Maybe that was why he never told anyone this.  Swallowing his hurt, Jack placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder.  When Daniel wouldn’t look at him, he carefully put his hand under his chin and turned his head to face him.

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“Daniel, it doesn’t matter to me.  I’m just surprised that you never felt that you could tell me.  God, Daniel…we’ve been friends for years.  I’ve shared more with you then even my wife.  Why did you feel you couldn’t tell me?”

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“Scared.  You’d hate me!”

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“I could never hate you, Daniel.  I may get aggravated at you, but that’s because you tend to disregard your own safety for the sake of others.  You are the best friend I’ve ever had.  And this small piece of you, really doesn’t change that.”

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Daniel’s eyes were still dull and full of pain.  Jack sighed again and pulled the stool over to sit down.  He had to find out, what was really behind his fear.

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“Danny, you told me you had a pretty rough time in high school.  That you got bullied a lot.  Is that why you kept it a secret?”

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Daniel nodded his head, his mind racing back to where it all started.  The memories as painful as the time that it happened.

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Eleven years old and in high school.  He was singled out right away.  Small, an orphan, had asthma and was

way smarter than everyone else.  Including the teachers.  Many of the boys preparing to go to West Point

after high school.  Daniel had never believed in fighting or war and the boys would push him around trying to

get him to fight back.  The bullying was a big reason he hated the military so much.   He kept to himself mostly,

but he did have a secret.  He was smitten with the star football player.  The boy had been nice to him, when the

others weren’t around.  Daniel helped him with his history one time and had come down with a bad case of puppy

love.  Then, the one girl that he thought was his friend told everyone that he was in love with the quarterback. 

That was when he learned there really was a hell.

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“There was this football player,” Daniel started to type, but couldn’t continue. He looked away and sniffed.  This was just too much.  He was admitting he was gay to the one person he never wanted to find out.

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“Were you… were you in love with him?” Jack asked quietly.

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“Yes.”

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“What happened?  Did he find out?” Jack wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know the answer.

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“Yes. My friend…” he shook his head and amended, “a girl told him.”

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Jack felt a chill run down his spine.  He could only image what the rest of the football players would do.  He closed his eyes against the emerging pain and listened to Daniel laboriously type.  When the voice of the computer read his friend’s words, Jack’s heart plummeted to his feet.

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“Three boys from… team gang raped me.”

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Jack hung his head and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Daniel.  I’m sorry you had to go through that, and now this.”

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They were quiet for a while, lost in their own thoughts.  Jack wanted to know something, but was afraid to ask him.  And truth be told, he was afraid of the answer as well.

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“Daniel,” he started out, “why did you never tell me this? I mean about you being, you know… gay?”

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The other man closed his eyes and sighed.  He knew that Jack would want to know the reason for his silence about this.  He wasn’t sure if he should tell him the truth.  It was his greatest secret.  One he wouldn’t even admit to himself if truth be told.

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Jack watched closely as a war went on inside Daniel’s soul.

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“I am tired.  We drop this?”

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Jack knew how his friend worked.  If he dropped it now, he would come up with all sorts of excuses to keep it buried, letting it eat him alive.  Jack had to get him to talk.

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“You can tell me anything, Daniel.  I promise it won’t make me hate you or abandon you.”

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With his eyes closed, he put his hand back on the keyboard and typed, “Can’t.”

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When he looked back at Jack, he knew his friend wouldn’t leave it alone until he spilled everything.  And now, the one thing he could not bring himself to say out loud, he typed, “Not tell you cause how I feel for someone here.”

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Daniel took as deep a breath as his broken ribs would let him.  He looked Jack in the eye fleetingly, then focused completely on the computer screen, so he didn’t have to see his friend completely abandon him. 

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“I…  fell in love with someone here long time ago.  I’m sorry.  I tried not to… but I can’t help how I feel.”  The non-emotional voice of the computer punched Daniel in the gut with every word spoken.

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“Who, Daniel?”

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“You,” he whispered through his teeth, tears streaming down his cheek. 

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O’Neill clenched his jaw tightly.  He stood up and turned away from his friend, pacing a few steps.  Daniel saw the movement in his peripheral.  Jack had turned away from him and he felt his heart shatter.

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“Know you not want me around now.  I resign.  Leave.  You not worry. Won’t get out.  I’m sorry.”

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He shoved the laptop away and closed his eyes.  The pain in his heart exploded in the darkness of his mind.  Daniel had done it.  He had driven a wedge as wide as the Grand Canyon between himself and Jack now.  He was going to have to leave.  He knew he couldn’t stay at the SGC any longer.  His wife was gone, Skaara was gone.  Hell, Abydos was gone.  There was nothing left for him now.

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Jack turned back to him and placed a hand on Daniel’s head, shaking it slightly so the other man would open his good eye.  He looked at him straight on to make sure what he was about to say got through.

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“I am honored to have your affection, Daniel.  I don’t swing that way, but if I did, you would be the one I would want.  This will not come between us at all.  You have to understand that.  You are my best friend and I will never abandon you.”

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With that said, Jack ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead.  Daniel’s one good eye went wide for a moment.  He couldn’t believe what just happened or what was said.

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Jack didn’t hate him?  Jack wouldn’t leave him?  Jack was still his friend?  Daniel could live with that… if he could believe it.

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“You need to sleep now, Danny.  You look exhausted.  You can be sure, that when you wake up, I will be here with you.  You can’t scare me off.  Okay?” he told the younger man as he pressed the morphine drip.  He knew that Daniel was in pain and needed to rest after that.

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Daniel nodded his head.  His eyes closed without his knowledge and he was asleep almost instantly.  Jack took his friend’s glasses off and set them on the tray beside the laptop.  He ruffled Daniel’s hair again, gave him another kiss on the forehead and sat back down in his chair blowing out a long breath.  So much had happened in such a short amount of time.  He felt old and tired. 

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There was going to be a lot of talking between he and his friend.  But that could wait until Daniel was stronger.  He also had a lot to think about as well.  His feelings for Daniel being the first and foremost on his mind.  How did he feel about his friend being in love with him?  What did he feel for Daniel?  Would this become a problem with anyone else?  He was sure that Sam and Teal’c wouldn’t have a problem.  Probably not even General Hammond.  But the rest of the base could be something else entirely.  There were many Marines on base and they already gave Daniel a hard time.  It hadn’t been too bad since his return to the mortal plane, but that was only because Teal’c had expressed his displeasure at the ‘geek’ comments rather forcefully.

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As he thought about all this, he realized just how exhausted he was also.  Closing his eyes, Jack was snoring alongside the one person in the world, he would do anything for.

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***

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A few weeks after the attack, Daniel was getting restless.  He had to stay in the infirmary for the entire time and it was starting to get to him.  He still couldn’t move without assistance, however.  Even just to take a leak, he had to have a nurse help him.  For Daniel, there was no amount of embarrassment to top that.  Twice a day he had to have an ice pack on his groin, and the smallest movement sent pain through his ribs.

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With his left eye, still unseeing, Dr. Frasier was worried that his sight might never return.  She brought in an optical specialist.  Daniel had never been more scared in his life.  His eye-sight might never had been the best… but he relied heavily on it for his job and his life in the SGC.  When the results came back with a good prognosis, some relief washed through him.  It may take a while, but he would get his sight back.

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Daniel was also having a hard time without the use of his right hand.  The cast covered his whole hand and went up to just under his armpit.  At least it was on the opposite side of his broken rips.  He was laid up in bed, unable to read for any length of time without agonizing headaches which robbed him of breath.  Still, he pleaded to go home so he could breathe the fresh air and not the recirculated air of the base.  He wanted to feel the sun on his face, look up at the sky and count the bright stars at night.  But Janet wasn’t having any of that, holding his leash, tight.

​

She knew that he hadn’t come to grips with his hate crime.  She tried to get him to see a counselor, but he would have none of that.  Janet had no choice but to restrict her patient to the infirmary.  Here the nurses could help him with what he needed.  He couldn’t even be moved to the quarters he usually stayed in when he slept overnight.  Fraiser wouldn’t give him a good reason as to why and Daniel thought this was very unfair.  Daniel hoped that Jack would be on his side, but his CO agreed with the doctor.  He told the wounded man that he would stay also, just to help him out.

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But Jack’s real reason for staying was to talk with Daniel about his confession.  Every time Jack tried to talk with the younger man, he would just clam-up.  He had already tried to tell Jack that it was a drug induced utterance and it wasn’t true.  The Colonel didn’t buy it.  He knew Daniel; knew how he thought and behaved.  Jack saw that pattern now.  Daniel was back pedaling.  He didn’t want to face the situation.  It hurt Jack that he wouldn’t communicate with him.  Still, trying to push Daniel to do something he didn’t want to do, never worked.  Jack was patient, he would wait him out.

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***

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After a month of confinement in the base infirmary, Daniel was in General Hammond’s office pleading his case to go home.  It might have made more of an impression if Daniel could actually speak.  He hated that his jaw was wired shut.  Hated the feel of his mangled tongue.  Daniel had to resort to toting the laptop around with him everywhere he went.

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“Please, General, I am begging you!  Let me go home.  You don’t even let me work.  I am going crazy here!”

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Jack was sitting next to him for moral support and gave Hammond a slight grin.  The general rubbed a hand over his face buying time before he had to crush his favorite archeologist’s hopes.  Dr. Frasier was adamant that Daniel not be alone, and Hammond would never cross his CMO.

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Just then, Jack piped up.  “I suppose, General, that I could take him home with me.  That way he’s away from here, but still with someone that can help him out when he needs it.”

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Daniel looked at Jack with surprise, then fear, in his eyes.  He didn’t want to go home with Jack.  That was the last place he wanted to be.  Daniel knew that once they were away from the mountain, Jack would start to grill him again about his ‘slip of the tongue’.  He didn’t want to deal with what he told Jack.  Of the feelings, his heart wouldn’t let go.

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The General thought that Jack’s offer was his saving grace.  “You know, that sounds like a great idea.  If Dr. Frasier thinks so too, I’ll approve.  Jack, consider yourself on leave until further notice.  Please co-ordinate with Dr. Fraiser on Dr. Jackson’s medication and care.”

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Daniel jumped to his feet, swayed a little, and slammed his hand down on the desk.  His face was a bright red as he tried to get his feelings across to the two men deciding his life.

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“NO!” he shouted through his teeth.  Pounding on the keyboard of the laptop, he tried to get across his anger and frustration.  “I am not a kid! Not one of your soldiers!”

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The computer voice didn’t do his feelings justice.  Jack raised an eyebrow at him with a smirk that said so much. 

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“Daniel,” he said in that oh so infuriating voice, “you might want to sit back down before you fall over.”

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Seething, the younger man stood to his full height and glared at the Colonel.  His unbroken arm clamped firmly across his chest.  That lasted for all of about six seconds, then he began to black-out.  Jack caught him just as he was starting to crumple to the floor.  Setting him in his wheelchair, he looked over to his superior officer and smiled.

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“I’ll take him to get checked out by Fraiser, and then home with me, sir.”

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Daniel tried to shake his head no, but it just made him dizzy and groan in pain.

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Gently putting the younger man’s feet back onto the footrest and unlocking the wheels, Jack headed for the infirmary.

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“Take care of him, Jack,” Hammond told their retreating backs.  “Make sure he doesn’t over do it.”

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With his one free hand, Jack waved his acceptance of his new mission.

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***

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Jack stood by the door frame of the infirmary.  He watched in sympathy as he the nurses place an ice pack carefully on Daniel’s groin.  Janet looked up to see the colonel as he straight up and walked into the room.

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“Hey, Daniel… Doc,” he nodded as he watched Daniel wince when the cold seep into his crotch.

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“Colonel, I need to speak to you in my office,” she gave her patient a small smile.

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Jack glanced at Daniel to see the questioning look on his face.  Jack shrugged at his friend, “I have to, you know, find out how the doc wants me to take care of you.  You know, the meds and stuff.”

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Jack couldn’t get over the forlorn look on Daniel’s face; he looked like a lost and scared puppy.  How was he going to help put a broken Daniel back together again?  He turned to follow Janet to her office.

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Jack sat in Janet’s office getting the rundown on all of Daniel’s meds and how to administer them properly.

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“Make sure you have plenty of ice bags, he’ll need them for his groin… twice a day.  It’s still very swollen,” the no nonsense doctor told him.  “All the pills can be crushed and added to pudding or applesauce.  Make sure he takes them, Colonel.  I know he doesn’t like too, but he will need the rest and most of them will knock him out for a couple of hours at least.  There’s an inhaler here in case he his breathing becomes too labored.  I know he use to have asthma attacks as a child.  I’m also giving you a few sedative shots for when you need him to calm down quickly, like after a nightmare.

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“There is one more thing,” she said as she sat next to the older man, “I’m worried about his mental state.  He needs to see a Psychiatrist and a counselor.  I can give you a few names if he doesn’t want to see Doctor McKenzie.”

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Janet saw the look on Jack’s face.  She realized that she’d have to spell this out for him.  She knew that both Jack and especially Daniel had no faith in McKenzie after what had happened with Ma’chello.  She leaned over and covered Jack’s with hers.

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“Colonel, I’m really concerned about Dr. Jackson.”

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The older man gave her a shrug, she could tell he wasn’t convinced yet.  Janet hated to do this, but she was seriously worried.  It may be time to take off the kid gloves.  She squeezed the hand that she was holding and started again.

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“Colonel,” her look gentled even more.  Softly she continued, “Jack, Daniel has been beaten and even worse, raped,” she let that sink in or a moment.  “It’s hard enough for a woman to deal with, can you imagine how much tougher it is as a man?  When you think of rape, the thought naturally goes to a woman.  A man is supposed to be strong… fight off his attackers; real men don’t get raped, most think.  Even in today’s world.  So, Daniel is not only dealing with being raped but with being emasculated.  And that you and Sam and Teal’c know about it?  How would you feel?  With all that he has been through and now this, do you really think he can just get over it with a bit of time?”

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Jack didn’t know what to think.  The doctor was right, he couldn’t argue with what she was saying.  He didn’t want to think of his friend going through more hurt and anguish.  More scaring on top all that was already there.  He didn’t like or trust McKenzie and knew that Daniel felt even more strongly. 

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He sighed and looked at Janet, “It won’t be easy ya’know, he won’t want to go.”

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Janet nodded; she knew he would fight it too.  “There’s more.”

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The surprised look that the older man gave her would have been funny if things weren’t so serious.  Janet had to make sure he truly understood just how grave things were with the younger man.  She straightened up in her seat and let out a sigh.  Sometimes her job was more overwhelming than cared to admit and this was one of them.

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“Daniel already suffers from the treatment he got after his parents died, not to mention actually witnessing their death.  Growing up in foster care, being bounced around from place to place. 

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“Then there’s all the things we’ve seen him go through since he’s been with us.  Now this beating and rape,” the doctor sadly shook her head as she released his hand.

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Jack took a deep breath as he thought about the truth in what the doctor said.  He knew she was right.  Daniel never wanted to acknowledge his past or the pain of growing up in the system.  He didn’t want to think about it.  But Daniel was a strong man.  Level headed and insanely educated.  Still, that could be what the problem would be.  He’d lock everything away and let it fester in his soul until he snapped.

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“Jack, I’m worried he might do something… drastic,” Janet told him.

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Jack looked up at her sharply, “WHAT?!” he nearly yelled, “Danny’s not like that!!”

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“Why do you think I’ve been keeping him here?  Here, he can be watched without his knowing it,” she said sternly.  “After what he just went through and what’s happened in his past… are you willing to stake his life on that assumption?”

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Jack rubbed a hand over his face.  No, he wasn’t willing to bet Daniel’s life on anything.  The man had been through too much.  And now knowing what he knew about his friend’s secret… his admission of feelings for Jack, maybe Daniel was further over the edge than he wanted to acknowledge.  Jack nodded his head in acquiescence.

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“You may want to go through your place and make sure he won’t be able to get at anything he could use to hurt himself.  And I would suggest that you are readily available, especially at night.  I know for a fact that he’s been having night-terrors.  I’ve had to administer a sedative several times over these last few weeks.”

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Jack stood and nodded his head.  “I won’t let him outta my sight, Doc.  And I’m a pretty light sleeper.  I’ll take good care of him.  Thanks for the heads up.”

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The diminutive doctor reach for his hand, “Just make sure you reinforce that he has friends… family here for him.  That he doesn’t need to face this alone.” 

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Jack and Dr. Frasier then tuned to go into the main infirmary room and back to their patient.  She wasn’t looking forward to talking with Daniel, knowing just how stubborn he could be.  Still, he needed to know how thing were going to have to work before he would be allowed back on his team.

​

***

​

Daniel laid back on the infirmary bed, an ice pack freezing his balls and waited for Janet to be done telling Jack what was needed to care for him.  He was still seething.  Everyone was deciding what to do with their errant linguist.  Deep down he knew it was out of care for him, but it still rankled his feathers.  He considered getting up and leaving quietly but then, he wouldn’t even make it to the elevators, let alone all the way topside before he was apprehended.  And he didn’t have his car there anyway.

​

He still had a lot on his mind though.  Heaving a sigh that made his ribs hurt, he thought about what had gone on.  He had been back among the living for only a few weeks before the attack, and he still had gaping holes in his memory.  The one thing that did come back to him, time and time again, was how he felt as lost as he did when his parents died.  It was a feeling he didn’t like.  A feeling he never told anyone about.  A feeling that made him consider drastic actions.  Ones that he had managed to pull Jack away from the first time they had met, but ones that he still had to fight off.

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Sometimes it was intolerable and one of the main reasons he went with Oma as he lay dying in this very same infirmary.  He remembered that his feelings for Jack were truly beginning to drag him down and that they weren’t really on the best of terms.  He wanted to die and Oma gave him a way out.  Something the others would think of as maybe kind of noble.

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But this time, she wouldn’t be there.  There was no one to rescue him from his own weaknesses.  This time, if he was going to concede to his inklings, he was going to have to have the balls to do it himself.  Before, he could say that he died because of the radiation and that it wasn’t his fault, even though Jacob was starting to heal him at the time.  Now he would have to admit his defeat and play the game on his own.  He never liked the word suicide, but he understood it.  Everyone would be better off without him.  He just dragged people down, and he felt that he never did anything right. 

​

Maybe it would be easier at Jack’s house.  He knew that Jack had a few guns there.  Knew the combination for the safe as well.  He always felt that a gun was just too messy, but if he had the chance, he’d take it.  And he did have a lot of medication.  That could be a way.  Getting his pills from Jack could pose a problem though. 

​

Looking around, Daniel watched a nurse telling a different patient how to take the morphine pills he was prescribed.  When the nurse walked out, he turned to see the soldier roll onto his side and go to sleep.  Daniel was alone.  Very gingerly, he slid off his bed and snuck over to the tray the pills were sitting on.  With a quick look around, Daniel snatched them, shuffled back to his bed, and put them at the bottom of his duffle bag under his clothes.

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He replaced the ice pack and went back to brooding.  The first thing that came to mind was the confession he didn’t mean to blurt out.  He tried to take it back, but Jack knew it was true.  How could Jack even be in the same room as him with that knowledge?  How could Jack even look at him, thinking of what Daniel might be imagining?  It made his stomach churn.  Why did his own heart have to turn against him like it did?  And why Jack?  Anyone, but Jack!  He didn’t hold homosexuality against anyone else.  It was fine for others… but he thought he’d gotten over all that.

​

Like that could really happen.  It wasn’t a disease, it was love.  A love that he thought he’d tamped down on.  Love.  That was a loaded subject for him.  Daniel felt that he was unlovable, pure and simple.  His parents loved him, but they went away.  Intellectually, he knew it wasn’t their fault.  But now, his emotions and mental state seems to have slingshot back to how he felt as a kid.  His grandfather didn’t want him.  Most of the foster homes didn’t even know what to think of the tiny, silent, bookworm that was way smarter than any of them.

​

Then there was the rape in high school.  To Daniel, sex was something people take from him.  It was violent and uncaring.  A thing that he would never enjoy.  And no matter how hard he tried to consider it as making love, for him it was merely something that took away time that he could be learning or study.

​

Even the entire year he was with Sha’re, sex wasn’t exactly high on his list of things to do.  Not that she minded.  The Abydos people believed that sex was only for making babies.  Men would only lay with their wives on certain lunar cycles.  Kissing wasn’t aloud outside the home. Touching in a provocative way in public could get you caned. 

​

Masturbation was an accepted form of release for men on Abydos.  But they could only do that in a special building behind the main village.   It was also where a man that needed something more to relive his pent up sexual urges, unmarried young men were made available for a price.  Daniel never went there. 

​

Besides, he had a whole city to teach reading and writing too.  A huge opportunity to study a living breathing culture that had been dead for thousands of years on Earth.  Not to mention the map room to investigate.  He spent more time without Sha’re than with her.  After the first few months, she seemed to figure it out and quietly released him from their marriage.  Only Skaara knew.  He did love Sha’re… he just wasn’t IN LOVE with her.

​

He was in love with Jack O’Neill.  Even then.

​

After Sha’re’s abduction and subsequent ‘snaking’, all he felt was guilt.  Guilt that he didn’t protect her.  Guilt that he couldn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved.  Guilt at not being man enough to protect her, and that lead right back to his self-loathing at being a homosexual.

​

That was the root of all his problems, being a fucking queer.  He was weak, useless, the definitive loser.  Everything, everyone, he loved… left him.  His parents, his grandfather, his many foster families.  Career, creditability, it was just piling up in Daniel’s already tortured soul.

​

Then came Shyla.  He didn’t love her.  Hell, he didn’t even really like her.  It was just his insatiable need to save everyone from themselves.   Everyone that wasn’t him.  And after the whole incident with Hathor, being raped yet again, that was the last time he ever wanted to screw a woman!

​

Now, however, his secret had been outed and to the man that his heart was yearning for.  Wonderful!  His life was now over.  Jack may act like all is good, but he knew… at some point in time, probably very soon, Jack would push him away again.   Or worse, hold it over him.  Might as well put a gun to his head then.  Yeah, it was time for him to put his heart to rest.

​

Daniel was so deep in thought, Jack, and Dr. Fraiser startled him.

​

“Okay, Dr. Jackson,” Janet said with a smile, “you have your walking papers.  However, there are a few things I need to express.”

​

Daniel rolled his eyes at her.

​

“Listen up, Danny, or you’re not gonna get to leave,” Jack said as he sat next to him on the bed.

​

“First, take your meds as prescribed.  Don’t want you to accidentally over dose.  The Colonel has all of them and how and when you should take them.  Second, you need to get a lot of sleep.  That will help with your healing.  Make sure you eat.  Again, Jack has all the info on what would be best and easiest for you to consume through the wires.  It’s going to be a lot of soft foods.

​

“Third and most important, you have to make an appointment with a counselor and Psychiatrist.”

​

Daniel sat up straight and whined with a scowl on his face.  He shook his head so fast, they all heard his neck crack.

​

Jack said, “Told’a Doc.  I knew he was gonna fight tooth and nail.”

​

Janet looked at Daniel with a hard, no nonsense glare, “Daniel, if you don’t see both a counselor and Psychiatrist, I’m not going to sign off on letting you come back to work.”  With a softer voice, she reached out and took his hand.  “I know you don’t like to talk about yourself or your past, but Daniel, it’s imperative that you get help.  I’ve given a list of SGC accepted doctors to Colonel O’Neill and General Hammond is onboard with my recommendations.

​

“No psychiatric help, no work.  Simple as that.”

​

“Yeah… simple,” Jack said with a tight-lipped smile.  “Okay, Danny, time to go.  I can’t wait to show you what a first-rate nurse I can be.”

​

Daniel rolled his eyes at him.  He knew he wasn’t going to get out of this.  Standing up slowly, he groaned when he saw Fraiser with a wheelchair.  Jack put a hand on his shoulder and steered him over to the horrid thing.

​

“Doc’s orders, buddy.  I get to push you around a little longer.”

​

Jack moved behind, wheeling his charge out.  Daniel closed his eyes, so he didn’t see the looks of pity he was sure he’d get.  At least he was getting out of the Mountain.  That was something.

​

***

​

The ride to Jack’s house was taken in complete silence.  He tried to get Daniel to talk, but the younger man wouldn’t play along.  He just sat in the passenger seat balancing the laptop on his duffle bag.  Jack knew that a quiet Daniel was a brooding Daniel… that was never good. 

​

He also knew that his friend was very unhappy at not being able to go to his apartment.  But like Dr.  Fraiser, Jack wasn’t comfortable with letting him out of his sight.  He had seen what PTSD could do to a person.  Hell, he had gone through it himself.  Knew that it was something that never completely went away.  Jack was sure that Daniel would fight against having to rely on someone else for anything.  The younger man had been an unmitigated loner since he was eight years old.

​

As soon as the truck came to a stop in O’Neill’s driveway, Daniel attempted to get out.  Jack reached over and gently pulled him back.

​

“Just wait a second and I’ll help you, Danny.”

​

The other man rolled his eyes at him but sagged back into the seat.  “’aaaaack,” he snarled through his wired-clenched teeth then typed out, “Not an invalid!”

​

“Didn’t say you were, but I know that it’s hard to move with just one busted rib… you have three.”

​

Jack got out and walked around to help his friend out of the truck.  As soon as Daniel got his feet under him and relatively steady, a football came out of nowhere and hit the side of the truck.  Daniel dropped to the ground screaming and clutching his duffle bag to his chest.

​

“Sorry, Mr.  O’Neill!” a young boy shouted over the hedges.  “Ball got away from me!”

​

Jack glared at the kid for a moment then picked the football up and tossed it back to him, “It’s okay, Jeremy.”

​

Jeremy came close to the hedge, saw Daniel on the ground and blanched, “Oh man!  Did I hit him?  I’m really sorry!”

​

Jack bent down to help his friend up and replied, “No, just startled him.  Been a rough couple of weeks.”

​

The boy nodded solemnly and turned back to his playing.

​

“Come on, Danny, let’s get you inside before they start punting.”

​

Jack succeeded in getting them into the house without further incident.  Daniel had a sheen of sweat covering his face and was shaking like a windblown leaf.  His eyes were wild and breaths came in short, painful bursts.  Sitting Daniel down in his favorite chair, Jack went to get him something to drink.  He took out a couple of pills and crushed them, putting them in a small amount of the water.  As an afterthought, he added a straw.

​

“Drink this all down, Danny,” he told him.

​

Daniel could barely hold the glass in his shaking hand.  Jack kneeled beside him, holding the cup with him.

​

“Wha iv ‘iv?” <What is this?> Daniel asked softly, cringing at his lispy inarticulate sound.  He reached for the laptop when Jack stopped him.

​

“I speak ‘Daniel’, it’s okay.  This is just a little something to help calm you down.  It’s some of the meds that Janet sent home with us.”

​

“No wah’,” <No want,> he snarled and tried to push it away.

​

Jack shook his head and pushed the straw into his mouth, “For fuck’s sake, just take it… it won’t kill you.  Just a pain med and a mild sedative.  Make you sleepy.”

​

Knowing he was in no shape to resist, Daniel complied.  Jack smiled at him, “Atta ’boy.  I’m going to go and make up your room, okay?  You just chill out here for a few.”

​

The wounded man absentmindedly nodded as he hugged his duffle bag close and closed his eyes.  He was tired and sore from the trip.  Daniel never realized how far the base was from Jack’s place.  He usually loved the trip.  It was scenic and always meant good food, good beer, and good company.

​

Now it was the place he was going to shuck off this mortal coil once and for all.  He was done.  Done with the fight.  Done with the pretense of being fine.  Done with everything.  He hated that it would be here in Jack’s house instead of his own, but maybe he would be able to go out for a walk at some point and end his life in a secluded patch of nature.  Jack would have to go out periodically to get things, he imaged.  As he listened to Jack shuffle around in the spare room, Daniel let the sweet embrace of unconsciousness take hold.

​

***

​

Jack knew that something was brewing inside his best friend.  He could feel the nagging discomfort in his guts.  As he went through the spare room, he imagined what he would be looking for after Charlie died.  What he could get his hands on that would take the pain away.

​

Grabbing an empty shoe box, he began to pack away anything sharp or long enough to go around a throat.  He went through all the drawers of the dresser, clearing them out.  Cut the cords of the blinds, and took the door knob off so that Daniel wouldn’t be able to lock him out.  In the attached bathroom, Jack took out the razor and any meds that were in the mirror cabinet, leaving only a toothbrush, washcloth, and a couple of towels.  Daniel would have to ask for anything else.

​

He went into his bedroom and pulled out a lockbox.  Setting down on the bed, he changed the code to get into it, then pulled the important papers out and stashed them in his sock drawer.  Emptying the myriad of medicine that Daniel was on into the lockbox, he closed it and slid it under his bed.  Daniel was having a very hard time bending and figured it would be as good a place as any.

​

Jack also knew that if someone wanted to kill themselves bad enough, they would find a way.  He was going to have to be ever vigilant.  Pulling his cell phone out, he dialed Carter.

​

“Hey, Carter,” he wearily said into the phone, “can you do me a favor?”

​

“Sure, sir.  What’s up?”

​

“If I email you a list of groceries and stuff would you pick them up and deliver them here?  I don’t want to leave Daniel alone and I don’t have much here.”

​

She was quiet on the other end for a few moments, “Are… are you worried he’d take off?”  Carter’s voice was thick with concern.

​

“Just making sure he doesn’t have a chance too.”  He paused, wondering how much he should say.  “I’m really concerned about him, Sam.”

​

She had visited Daniel at least once a day on base, and knew that he wasn’t exactly in his right mind.  Now she was even more distressed about what her ‘big brother’ might do.

​

“Yeah, send it over and I’ll get everything to you in a couple of hours.”

​

“Thanks,” Jack sighed, “see ya then.”

​

With Daniel’s room ready, Jack wondered out into the living room to see if he was comfortable.  The younger man was sleeping restlessly.  Jack kneeled and took his friend’s shoes off.  Daniel was still dressed in scrubs which made it easier for him to answer the call of nature.  Jack gently pulled his duffle bag from his grip and sat it on the couch.  He would have to go through that too.  Daniel could be pretty sneaky when he wanted to.  Lastly, he put a blanket over him and headed for the kitchen to start his inventory for Carter. 

​

He had to clean out the refrigerator first, tossing the green, fuzzy, growing things.  It had been awhile since he was home.  He went through all the cabinets and tried to make a concise list of groceries.  Jack was about to put beer on it, but decided that wouldn’t be good to have around with Daniel on meds.  He would just have to go without for a while.

​

Then he went to change the combination on his gun safe as well.  All the extension cords were packed up and put on a high shelf in the garage with the shoebox of sharp items from Daniel’s room.  Going back into the house, Jack locked the garage door with a padlock, just to be safe.  He quickly went outside and changed the combination code on his outside garage door as well.  Daniel was resourceful.

​

Back inside, he sat on the couch and pulled Daniel’s duffle back over.  Opening it up, he pulled each item out, shook it, then placed next to him.  It was mostly scrubs, and a couple of sweatpants.  A few of the ugly, non-slip socks that seemed to be standard issue of all hospitals.  Daniel had his toiletry bag packed and Jack made sure that he pulled the razor and nail-clippers out of it.  Boxers, sweatshirt, and a few books, teetered on the clothes pile.  At the very bottom of the bag, Jack was surprised to find a pill bottle of morphine pills.  It was for a soldier that had been in the infirmary when Daniel was.

​

He leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes.  So, it was true.  Daniel had the inclination of ending it all.  Jack really didn’t want to believe it of his friend, but here in his hand…  Maybe Daniel was confused and thought it was his.  Shaking his head, he knew that was bogus.  The soldier was all the way at the other end of the room.  Daniel would’ve had to wonder down to get them.  That became a conscience thought process to steal them.  He was going to have to let Janet know to keep her nurses a little more aware of the medicine distribution.

​

Shaking out the bag just to be safe, Jack gathered all the items up and took them to Daniel’s room.  He put the pill bottle in the lock-box with the others, until he could get them back to the Doc.  He went back into the living room and sat with his laptop to email the food list to Carter.  Daniel whimpered a few times in his sleep, but didn’t wake up.  After everything was done to Jack’s satisfaction, he closed his eyes for a quick cat-nap, his head near Daniel, and one hand on his friend’s arm.  It was going to be a difficult time for both of them.  Years of military training had ingrained the discipline, grab sleep when and where you can!

​

***

​

The library was empty as usual.  He knew no matter where he was moved, what school he went to, the library in a school would always be empty.  It was his saving grace.  His sanctuary.

​

Gently trailing his fingers along the spines of the books, Daniel inhaled deeply.  The smell of books, warm spices and briny sea breezes were always a comfort.  His ‘Linus Blanket’.  Pulling a large, dusty, leatherback book on Ancient China, he went to his dark corner of the library.  A big, squishy old leather chair waited for him.  It smelled like the chair his father would sit and read to him in.

​

Snuggled deep with his legs pulled up under him, Daniel pulled his too big jacket over himself and opened his acquisition.  He knew he was supposed to be in his last class of the day, but it was gym and he hated being there.  No one would miss him anyway.  He had gotten good at sneaking into the library.  He knew when the woman that ran it would go out for a smoke and where she would look when she came back in.  He was safe until the end of school.

​

His latest foster home had four kids, two of which were toddlers.  The mother was overwhelmed most of the time and the father was always on the road with work.  Amy, the third foster kid was a few years older than him, but a nice enough girl.  They seemed to get along rather well.  They went to the same high school.  Daniel would help her with her school work and she would sit with him on the bus and at lunch.  He had made it through two whole months without getting shoved, kicked, his long hair pulled or cut up or his books tossed in the fountain, since she began to walk with him in the hallways.  Daniel thought he finally had a real friend in Amy.

​

They started to sneak into each other’s room and talk well into the night.  Amy was fascinated with Daniel’s life in Egypt.  She was in love with the nomadic lifestyle.  Her favorite book was On the Road by Jack Kerouac and was just waiting for her 17th birthday.  Amy had a big map on her wall with different routes marked out… all leading to San Francisco.

​

Daniel was so at ease with her that he confided his feelings for someone.  He thought that she would understand.  Never in his young life could he have been more wrong.

​

As he read his book, the library lights suddenly blinked off.  Daniel thought that he had lost track of time again and would end up walking home.  But before he could close his book, he was grabbed from his chair.  A dark bag was roughly pulled over his head and his arms were pulled behind him and tied.  He tried to scream out when someone punched him in the stomach.

​

The next thing he knew, he was picked up and thrown over someone’s shoulder.  Squirming and kicking, Daniel tried his hardest to getaway.

​

“Shut-up, faggot!” an angry voice snarled.

​

He had no idea what was going on.  He couldn’t hear any voices in the hall as they carried him through the school.  Was school out?  Did he fall asleep in the library?  If that was the case, he was in deep trouble!  Suddenly, he felt his clothes being ripped off and the cold feeling of tile under his stomach.  The voices were echoing loudly so he figured that he had been taken to the gym shower room.  Maybe someone noticed that he wasn’t in gym class and was going to humiliate him because of it.  Take his clothes and make him run naked to the office. 

​

A few moments later, Daniel wished with all his heart, that had been the case.  The bag on his head was held tight around his throat as an excruciating pain blossomed from his small ass.  A wet finger was thrust inside him.

​

“NO!” Daniel screamed and tried again to squirm away from the hands that held him down, “Please!  Let me go!  I didn’t do anything wrong!”

​

“I said… shut up, you four-eyed faggot!” the nasty voice said again.  “So, I hear you’re in love Steve… heh?  Want to have him as your boyfriend?  Okay… this is what every girl like you want to have then!  A nice long fuck!”

​

“Ready guys?” another voice said, “Steve, you first!  Since she’s in love with you, you get the honor of poppin’ that cherry.  But make sure you don’t brake him too much!”

​

The bag was ripped off Daniel’s head and he was shown the handle of a toilet plunger.  The boys had covered it in lotion.  One of the assailants lifted Daniel’s ass in the air, practically folding the youth in half, and spread his cheeks.

​

“Hurry up, Steve!  Before anyone notices the gym door propped open.  Don’t want the mop-jerk walkin’ in on us!”

​

Daniel’s cries fell on deaf ears.

​

***

​

The scream that ripped from Daniel throat, belied his wired-shut mouth.  Jack vaulted off the couch, grabbing for his invisible P-90.  A two second threat assessment brought his surroundings into focus.

​

Daniel was on the floor fighting phantoms that were attacking him.  Jack tried to turn him over only to be kicked and punched by the flaying man.

​

“Daniel!  Wake-up!” he yelled and tried again to corral his friend.  “Danny, it’s me… Jack!  You’re safe!”

​

The pain from his broken… everything, quieted his movements enough for Jack to pull him into his lap and cradle him.

​

“Shhh… Danny.  Shhh, it’s okay.  You’re safe.  I won’t let anything happen to you.”

​

The quiet timbre of the familiar voice penetrated Daniel’s still horror filled mind and he quieted.  Opening his eyes, he focused on the man holding him.  The night terror mixed with the pain throughout his body, the broken man sobbed into his friend’s chest, clutching him for dear life.

​

For almost half an hour, they sat on the floor, Daniel wrapped securely in Jack’s arms.  Rocking slightly, the older man would whisper soft and comforting words into his best friend’s hair, as Daniel wept bitter tears.  When Jack felt him breath slowly, he maneuvered his friend onto the couch.  He pulled the afghan from the floor, tossed it over him and sat on the coffee table to look him over.

​

Pain filled eyes glanced up.  He was white as a ghost and soaked in sweat.  Jack started to stand when Daniel snagged his hand.

​

“‘on’k ‘eave me,” he softly pleaded.  <Don’t leave me,>

​

Jack sat back down and brushed his hand over the still bruised face, “I’ll never leave you, Daniel.  That is a promise!”

​

A knock on the front door startled Daniel and he tried to scrunch back into the couch.

​

“It’s okay, Danny,” Jack assured him first, then called out, “It’s open, Carter!”

​

As she opened the door, Daniel pulled the afghan over his head so she wouldn’t see him.  Jack patted him and stood to help bring in the groceries Sam had brought.  She caught sight of the linguist on the couch with a blanked over his head and raised an eyebrow at her CO.

​

Bad dream, he mouthed at her.